Jacqui Smith's husband was definitely not watching gay porn

I think I may have solved the mystery of the Jacqui Smith "porngate" scandal: it was all a terrible mistake.

Consider the two "adult" pay-per-view movie titles for which Smith's husband Richard Timney is alleged accidentally to have charged the British taxpayer £10: Raw Meat 3 and By Special Request.

Having trawled extensively through the internet's adult sites – as you do on a quiet Monday – I am unable to find any information about the precise contents of By Special Request. I did find a film called Raw Meat 3, though. But oddly it appears to be aimed mainly at viewers with an interest in handsome young men.

Starring the well-greased bodies of "Duncan", "Valentino" and the gloriously named "Tigers Wood", Raw Meat 3 wittily tags itself "It's the end of the world – and we blow it!".

Clearly it would be quite inconceivable to imagine that a man married to a woman as attractive and intelligent as Jacqui Smith could be driven to watching homo-erotic pornography.

I think we can therefore safely assume one of two things:

Either: 1 The Smith/Timney household was entered on the night in question by a very cheeky gay burglar, who sneakily sat watching Raw Meat 3 while poor Mr Timney was fast asleep.

Or 2.  Mr Timney is a closet gastronome who downloaded Raw Meat 3 on the perfectly understandable assumption that it contained exciting new variants on the recipe for Steak Tartare.

Whichever of these is true, I would like to think as that as a nation we are now able to exonerate poor Mr and Mrs Timney of all charges, and never snigger at them ever again. Not even behind their backs. It would be wrong, wrong, wrong.