I'm standing behind a rostrum, addressing an audience of investment bankers. Sweat is sliding down my back and I'm on the verge of regurgitating my breakfast. I swallow hard, but it's just no good. They'll know. They'll hear it, for sure. That insistent voice inside my head that's drowning out my words with endless taunts: You shouldn't be here. An expert, are you? That bloke with the glasses, you're putting him to sleep!
I don't know exactly where this voice – let's call it "The Oppressor" – comes from. No one speaks to me like that in real life – not my parents, my siblings, my husband. Net even my children (yet). In fact, I've been told that I'm actually adept at public speaking. I've delivered keynote addresses at weddings, funerals and writers' festivals, and even addressed the Indonesian Foreign Affairs Department in fluent Bahasa Indonesia, for crying out loud. Why am I so antsy, then, whenever I speak to financiers in Zegna suits?
![Public speaking is one of the top three human fears.](/web/20161223050105im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/q/6/p/t/z/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gt6k9b.png/1481262308799.jpg)
I'm not alone: the fear of public speaking is often cited in psychological research as one of the top three human fears – alongside flying and dying. Other common biggies include the fear of failure, fear of intimacy and fear of heights. But whatever your fear, it's usually symbolic of something else going on in your life – and it's worth investigating what lies beneath.
For me, some introspection revealed that my fear of public speaking masks a deeper conviction – that my audience will be more intelligent, experienced and insightful than I am (and that they will judge me, or even worse, laugh at me). Once I recognised that a sense of illegitimacy was feeding my fear, I started trialling some strategies for managing it.
Here are the ones that worked for me:
1. Dare to be mediocre. Take the pressure off yourself to be charming, witty and intelligent. How often have you heard speakers who embody all three qualities, anyway? When it comes to public speaking, "good enough" is absolutely fine.
2. Remember that the audience is on your side. It's a rare person who takes pleasure in the suffering or discomfort of others. For the most part, audiences are not cruel (unless you're a stand-up comedian). Audiences typically want a speaker to succeed, but they don't expect perfection. Remembering this can be liberating.
3. Don't over-practise. It's good to be prepared with your key messages, and to consider the questions your audience may ask. But don't hold too tightly to your structure – leave a little mental space for spontaneity. The best public speakers actually "read the room" and respond to facial cues. Hard to do if you're on automatic pilot.
4. Get out of your own way. Take a deep breath and focus on what you want to communicate. Smile, even if you're forcing it. Realise that your presentation is just a tiny part of the audience's otherwise busy day (and broader life).
Be curious, rather than worried, about how you're doing. This can move you much closer towards letting go and actually enjoying the experience. The latter strategy was something I learnt while I was living in Bali for three years with my husband and young children.
Many tourists describe the Balinese as "gentle" and "always smiling", which they are, but in my experience, the Balinese are radically accepting of whatever life delivers them. They have all the same concerns as ours – and arguably, more visceral and significant fears including poverty, preventable disease and under-education – but they don't resist these fears.
They embrace them as part of the Tri Hita Karana, or cosmic harmony. This is not to romanticise the Balinese: theirs is not a "perfect" culture. But in accepting the good with the bad, they appear to enjoy their daily lives in a way that we, perhaps, do not. Now, whenever I find my knees shaking behind a rostrum yet again, I try to remember that in facing a fear, I don't have to battle it. I just go with it. And I draw on the words of a Balinese friend I once told about my fear of public speaking, who cast me a bemused smile and said: Begitu? Ikhlaskan sajalah … Really? Just accept it.
Fiona Higgins's new book, Fearless (Allen & Unwin), is out now.