I don’t condone excessive drinking. Well, I didn’t, until this year happened and now it’s become a fun hobby of mine, next to watching TV and sitting down (I don’t have many hobbies).
But, as far as I’m concerned, the holiday season is designed for drinking in excess, if only to forget the year that was. You might be drinking to forget Trump’s victory, Brexit, Peter Dutton’s existence, or the ‘Budgie Nine’.
If you’re like me, you might also need to forget some personal shit like getting older and being miserable.
Luckily, I have some holiday treats on hand to cure what ails you. But please, for my editor’s sake, treat these recipes as “jokes” and drink responsibly this holiday season.
A Turkey Stuffed with a Beer
This is a classic way to keep a turkey nice and moist this festive season. Just grab a cold can of VB, crack it open and chug it down (you’re the turkey).
Christmas Pudding
Christmas Pudding is the classic boozed up dessert we know and love. In my opinion, making a pudding from scratch is a waste of time when the store bought ones are just as delicious and not nearly as burnt as the one you can make.
For this recipe, all you need to do is buy a pudding (homebrand) and a bottle of gin from your local shops. As soon as you get home, throw the Christmas Pudding in the bin. Now drink the entire bottle of gin. Later, in a drunken stupor, you can be a bit naughty by prizing the pudding from the trash and eat it with your hands.
Rum Balls
This is my favourite holiday treat and not just because it gave me an excuse to drink alcohol when I was nine. Start with a bottle of rum and some arrowroot biscuits. Drink the rum while pounding your frustrations into the biscuits.
Stir in some condensed milk, a quarter cup of cocoa and your tears. Drink more rum. If you have any left, splash it into your mixture. If you don’t have any left, stumble to the shops to buy some more and drink it all on the way back home.
Roll the goop into balls. Who gives a shit what size they are. Now your hands are super sticky. Forget about everything else - your break up, your pin number, the futility of your own existence - and try to lick the mixture off your hands. This will take several days.
Eggnog
My grandma always said that it’s not eggnog unless you can set fire to it. Those were her last words, actually. So, in tribute to her, I will use her old recipe from the war.
Start with an egg, set it aside. Grab some bacon (or spam, if bacon has been rationed), set that aside too. Take a stale but still good roll, pop that under your coat for later. Now pour some brandy and some rum (3 or 4 bottles, to taste) into a large punch bowl. Stir with a ladle. Chuck the ladle aside dramatically when the air raids sound, pick up the bowl with two hands and drink the ‘eggnog’ down.
When you wake up, covered in rubble and soaked in blood, fry up the egg and bacon, put it on the roll and munch it down. It’s 2017, baby! (You’ve been passed out eight days).
Potato (Vodka) Latkes
Vodka and Latkes are a classic holiday pairing you have to try if you want to rip an entire year out from your memory.
Grate 8 large potatoes (yes, I said 8, latkes are delicious), whisk a few eggs, add half a cup of flour, a good amount of kosher salt and some ground pepper. Pan fry small handfuls of the potato mixture in melted butter.
Eat them still hot - ALL of them. Chase them with as much vodka as it takes to start mumbling to yourself about the old country, and fall asleep sitting up in your chair.
A Traditional Holiday Feast
This festive season, you may not imbibe for religious reasons, health reasons or because you aren’t dead inside. This doesn’t mean you have to remember this garbage year, it just means you are going to have to put yourself into the kind of food coma you might never wake up from.
The key to a perfect holiday feast that will also hurt your memory function is to focus on three main food groups - fats, sugars and more fats. Start the meal with a tub or sour cream and chive dip, or a cup of olive oil and drink it down. Work your way into some fatty meat like lamb or chicken skin, and make sure that if you have a vegetable it is potato and that potato is mashed into some kind of lard.
For dessert it is imperative that you avoid fruit at all costs, opting for the denser saturated fat based puddings. You can also just drink a vat of syrup, or else devour several bags of those Santa chocolates you bought from Aldi “to give to the kids”. The most important thing is that while you eat you must feel like you’re hurting yourself.
When the meal is over, you must ensure your calorie expenditure is nil. So relax in front of the TV while watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Holiday Special where Will Smith finds out his dad never wanted him, but then he learns that his real family are the people who stood by him.
Have a little cry, hold yourself and your heavily expanded gut, and say goodbye to 2016 as you fall into a peaceful, eternal slumber.
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