There are now only two shopping weekends before Christmas, which means that 4.4 million of us are hitting the city and suburban shopping centres looking for gifts.
For a city that likes to think of itself as metropolitan and urbane, we sure act like a bunch of rubes when we go to town on the weekend.
Take care and you'll get through the Christmas shopping season in one piece.
Long experience of Christmas shopping in Melbourne has taught me a few tricks:
1. Try to avoid walking along Swanston and Bourke streets with your face buried in a smartphone screen. (I know. This is a no-brainer. But we all do it. Some of you are doing it now as you read this.) You might bump into someone coming the other way with their heads buried in a screen.
2, If you want a flat white or a cup of bubble tea, sit down somewhere and take a break while you drink it. There are many good cafes in Melbourne, almost all of them in shopping precincts. Don't go marching along our famous (and crowded) laneways with an extra-hot double-grande clutched in your fist like a hand grenade full of scalding liquid. If it has to be a takeaway, avoid bringing the extra-hot double-grande into a shop where people are assessing soft furnishings, expensive women's underwear and other coffee-stainables.
3. Please, no travel selfies in front of the Gog and Magog clock – people are trying to avoid the crowds in David Jones by cutting through Royal Arcade. Come back in the dog days of January if you really need that shot. Also, no blocking the footpath while you get another selfie with that lovely train station at the corner of Flinders Street in the background.
4. Leave your poodles, schnoodles and labradoodles at home. Dogs don't know it's Christmas and they don't like shopping. And sorry, there are no dog toilets in Meyer, David Jones or even Emporium.
5. If you've come all the way downtown, enjoy shopping in the shop, with the attentive assistance of actual human shop assistants. As surprising as it seems, the shops aren't just convenient display rooms for Amazon and Ebay where you can browse, compare and try before you buy online. (And walking around with your head in a phone in a shop is even more annoying than when you do it out it in the street.)
6. And finally, there's no need to touch off on a CBD tram. Especially when you're juggling two handfuls of bags from Uniqlo, Top Shop and Lululemon. In fact, in the Christmas Shopping Zone – also known as the Free Tram Zone – there's no need to even touch on.
It's hectic out there. But if we all take care and shop a little mindfully, we'll get through it (almost) in one piece.
Matt Holden is a Fairfax Media columnist.