Baby boomer Valerie Morton has a business vision: bugger nursing homes, bring on the well-appointed opium dens.

[SATIRE] In a wake-up call for the nation’s educators, Australia has plummeted on the international maths rankings tables for students, falling to 28th spot – a 10 per cent decline on last year’s 18th.

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[SATIRE]: “For some teams it’s the short ball the brings them unstuck; for others it’s a turning wicket. For the Aussies it’s playing cricket."

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SATIRE: Mexico has erected a full-length border wall to keep out the millions of Americans hoping to flee from a Trump presidency.

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[SATIRE] Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump has moved swiftly to remove the stench created by Australian Senator Cory Bernardi's endorsement.

[SATIRE] A $22.50 processing fee has been applied to each question answered during the parliamentary inquiry into banks, it was revealed today.

[Satire] "Their transport, their holidays, the sporting events they attend, even the charity events they participate in, are so often funded by the government."

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Socks will no longer be able to be worn in Sydney after 10pm, following a new law introduced by Premier Mike Baird.

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SATIRE Saying he was 'ready to go home', a group of trainers today released Michael Phelps back into the wild today after more than 15 years in captivity.

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SATIRE: Australia has a population of just under 50 people, according to last night's census figures.

(Satire) Saying it was ‘intrusive’ and a ‘blatant invasion of privacy’, Melbourne man Terry McManus has posted a stinging rant about the national census on a social networking site that knows how many sexual partners he has had in the last three years, and where he went to primary school.

(SATIRE) In the spirit of Royal Commissions into ‘things that scare us a little because we don’t understand them’, here are 10 other things that Ms Hanson should use more taxpayer money to investigate.

(SATIRE) Bunnings once controlled 80% of the sausage-sizzle market (SSM), but figures today showed its share had fallen below 10% as consumers flocked to competitor SS operators at polling booths.

(SATIRE) Responding to the recent turmoil in Europe, Malcolm Turnbull has added ‘stability’ to his party’s core message of ‘jobs and growth’, reminding voters that his party has gone almost a year now without changing leaders.

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Migration laws will no longer need to change under an independent Britain, because no-one will want to go there to work anyway.

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After almost four months of vetting and voting, Americans have successfully narrowed down their entire population to the two citizens they like least.

Australia will not have a goods and services tax if a Labor Government is elected, following Bill Shorten's pledge to dismantle the system in its entirety today.

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Former NRL, NFL and Fijian 7s star Jarryd Hayne has jumped at the opportunity to fill Nick Kyrgios's spot on the Australian Olympic tennis team, saying it was a chance to pursue his lifelong dream.

Getting paid $270 to stay in your own house, without any of the tax implications that apply to other people, is just a quirk of the system, say a group of people who are uniquely placed to change the system.

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SATIRE: The Prime Minister has announced a new high speed rail policy that will connect the country’s two largest cities once every three years.

SATIRE: “Under President Obama, birds have been pouring across our borders unabated. Just look out your window and you’ll see them. All sorts of birds."

SATIRE: The coffee – which eventually changed hands for $3.80 – went well above the quoted price, but was a reflection of market conditions, the café’s owner said.

SATIRE: Dogs around the country have checked and re-checked their registration and vaccination details after notorious dog-hater Barnaby Joyce was announced as the second-most powerful person in the country.

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SATIRE: NSW Premier Mike Baird has announced the formation of special taskforce to crack down on the growing number of wines being enjoyed by the glass.

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Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin came out in support of Donald Trump today, a move which some experts say is designed to give The Apprentice star's campaign a more level-headed, articulate, and intelligent edge.

(SATIRE) “It seems Obama is desperately trying to link guns to shootings in some elaborate way. That’s a very, very long bow, my friend. A very long bow,” a Republican spokesperson said.

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Satire: Australians were madly rushing to clear up empty beer bottles and stray bongs this morning after the landlord announced a last-minute rental inspection.

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SATIRE: Europe admits keeping its border open this week has been a ‘catastrophic error’.

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“You’re going to see more and more people enjoying an e-bacon on a Sunday morning,” a spokesperson said.

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Australia's racists will be forced to look further afield for their paraphernalia, after they were left with no choice but to boycott retailer David Jones.