My intention was to go to the train station to renew my season ticket but my body was on auto-pilot and went straight past the barriers, checked for the next available train and got on it. Realised that I was not meant to actually leave on a train when I looked around and the train wasn't as jam-packed as it usually is. Tried to make it out of the train but unfortunately did not make it. Am waiting at the next station now to return to work....and hopefully to renew my season ticket on my way there...

Update: Thanks for all the comments. Nice to see fellow mindless numpties out there.

Just to update you all - I made it back to work in time, but as I got back to my station the queue to the ticket counter was painfully long... so long that I got worried I would switch to auto-pilot mode again and hop on the train once I get my ticket! Luckily I didn't and made it back in time but without lunch, I pretty much functioned on auto-pilot mode for the rest of the day!

So I'm literally writing this about 30 minutes after it happened,

So this morning I'm thinking I'm going to smoke a small joint before I go into work to deal some minor stress (dad just had a heart attack this morning) so I'm running late thanks to the awful choice to smoke a joint, as I realise I wasn't going to get to the train station in time I spent £10 on a taxi there,

So I get to the train station and buy my ticket (£6.80) and jump on the train ready to not be late for work!

So what happens? Because I'm so fucking baked I leave my ticket and the receipt on the train... get to the barriers and I can't find the bloody thing, at which point I ask an attendant if I'm able to re buy my ticket and he tells me "yes but you're going to have to pay a £20 fine for traveling without a ticket as well" as annoying as this is I can't do much but agree, so I pay, now my journey is at £33.60 so far, I then ask if I can have my ticket so I can return back from work later and I'm told "no you will have to buy another one"

So after this costly shitstorm of a travel fare I get into work and explain my shitty morning to my manager and that I'm going to need to take tomorrow off to see my dad in hospital,

I then find out that I have booked today and tomorrow off about 2 weeks ago.

TIFU..

TL;DR

Got high, late for work, paid an expensive taxi, lost train ticket on train, got fined, had to buy a new one as well, didn't even have to be at work today, the journey totalled £40.40.

So me and a friend were going to go smoke some weed outside as his wife won't let us do it in the house. But it is a rather chilly day here in Missoula, so we went to a large shed connected to the side of the house. It was normally lit with a shop light, but my friend had taken it out earlier to work on his car. He went off to get the light while I loaded the bowl. He was taking his sweet time so I went to take a hit and realized I had dropped the dense nugget of weed on the ground. I picked it up and reloaded it, and took a big rip. I didn't get anything from it so I broke it up a little bit with my fingers. Hit it again and I got smoke but it tasted foul. I chalked it up to this being some old stuff I found in the dresser. I rip it a third time and get a huge cloud that makes me gag. About then my friend comes in and plugs in the shop light. He points at the floor "Hey there's some weed on the ground". I look down, see the weed, see the pipe, see the pile of old dry cat shit and realized what I had done.

TLDR: It was dark and I smoked cat shit.

edit-Hey front page now everyone knows I'm an asshole.

edit #2-As long as a lot of people are reading this I wanted to say peace and love to everyone no matter who you voted for.

Had to create an account just to tell you guys this story!

Though it was several days ago that I shaved my asshole, it is this morning that I had to face the consequences.

My girlfriend and I decided to shave our sexy parts together earlier this week, so we did. I shaved my pubic hair down to the skin. Like a baby's bottom. For some reason, I thought my asshole looked a little messy, so I went to clean it up a little bit. The more I shaved, the cleaner it looked, so I just clipped the surrounding hairs down very close to the skin.

A couple days later, I'm at work and my asshole is irritated. I thought nothing of it and I continued my day. It wasn't severely painful.

Then it became severely painful the next morning. I took a look at what's going on down there and I have some ingrown hairs that look like little red mountains of pain and grossness.

This morning, I took my throbbing asshole to the immediate care center, where the doctor had to correct ten ingrown hairs right on the area I can only describe as the "taint." I was laying on my back with my legs in the air, feeling the sensation of having my taint pierced nearly a dozen times.

I feel better now, but I will never shave my asshole again.

This morning we had guests at camp that were lactose intolerant so my manager decides to get the guy some soy milk out of her own pocket, I have never had soy milk before, never tasted it and have never seen what it looks like outside the box

This is where the fuck up comes in, I ask her if I can please pour some into a cup for myself to try, I do and In my head I'm thinking "what the fuck man, shit looks disgusting" so chunky and thick, it just looked awful, so I go ahead and begin to drink it and that's when it hit me, anyone who drinks soy milk is not fucking human and clearly lacks the sense of taste

I realize that because I have started I have to finish it, I mean my manager bought this out her own pocket and I can't be wasteful and throw it away, I don't want to be rude either so I just go ahead and down that fucker, my life flashes before my eyes but I carry on drinking it, man I swear I even had to wipe away a few tears.

Few moments later my manager walks to me and said "I thought you wanted some" I say to her that I have already taken, she then points to show me the box is still closed, I then point to the box I drank from and she bursts out laughing, ladies and gentlemen I had drank only god knows how old soy milk that was standing for only the heavens know how long, and I drank that demon down like my life depended on it

EDIT: decided to give a TL;DR because of certain complainers, read the post.

Earlier today I was texting my friend and decided to send him the Bee Movie script as a joke. I then got the bright idea of trying to translate it to a random language using my phone. Regretfully, I didn't consider the fact that sending or receiving the script as an iMessage usually crashes my messages app; it should have crossed my mind that Safari probably wouldn't do much better.

Safari froze in the middle of translating and wouldn't open correctly, so I restarted my phone. I have since restarted it two more times and Safari is still unresponsive when I open it, and as long as the app is running my phone works very slowly.

TL;DR: I tried to translate an entire script to another language on my phone and now safari won't work.

Edit: To those of you giving me ways to fix the problem: Thank you! This post blew up overnight for me and I only just saw it, but I managed it o fix it with the clear cache thing. I'm not the most tech savvy person so wouldn't have known what to do without your comments.

Edit 2: First time making it to the front page! It feels great to know that my highest rated post is a meme-related fuck up! Thanks to all who commented/upvoted :)

So I work for a cable provider taking calls for tech support. During my day, I get two 15 minute breaks and a half hour break. This all started about 30 minutes ago, and is still a very active situation.

About 15 minutes before my break, I felt the feeling in the pit if my stomach that I needed to relieve my self. Looking at the time, I realized I was close enough to my break to not worry about it. 5 minutes later I began to worry, as the feeling turned from a tingle to slight pain. Looking back at the time, I was unsure if I would make it. Fast forward to the final 5 minutes before my break and I started to feel like I would barely make it. Standing seemed to help a lot for some reason, so I paced in front of my desk while finishing my last call. That actually made me feel much better and almost relieved the pain entirely. Once the call was over, I clocked out for my break and headed for the restroom. This is where the fuckup really begins.

I walk into the restroom, pulled my pants down and my phone out, and sat down on the toilet. I began browsing reddit, minding the clock as to not be late from my break. Reading through some TIFU posts and laughing at some of you idiots always helps me pass the time. After a few minutes I realized I should head back. I pulled up my pants and walked back to my desk. I only made it about 45 seconds into my first call after the break before that all too familiar pain returned. Thats when it hit me. I forgot to poop. I am currently pacing in front of my desk, sweat forming at the top of my head, clenching my cheeks as I am typing this on my phone, waiting for my customers equipment to reset. The countdown begins.

TL:DR: had to poop really bad while at work, went to restroom and forgot to poop, now I may shit my pants.

Edit:Update: After what was almost an hour long call, I put my phone in "personal" time and ran to the bathroom, barely made it to the seat, and had a glorious bowel evacuation. Thank you all for reading and laughing at my situation. :)

Edit: the letter A

Edit: GOLD? Who knew forgetting to poop would create reddit gold! Thanks stranger!

So we were both seriously wasted, and he lives far away so I said he could spend the night with me. Nothing particularly unusual, I've let him sleep on the couch at my place before, but this time there was no free furniture so he slept on the floor.

Before he KOed for the night he guzzled down some water to stop the hangover. Then we both went to sleep.

At about 6am I hear a rustling, and I see him walking around the room. I try to ignore it and turn over. The next thing I know he's taking off his pants, and then he starts pissing all over my bed with me in it.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DUDE??!"

He looks at me like I've inconvenienced him somehow. He shrugs and says "I wasn't aiming for you". Then he walks over to the other side of the room and opens my closet and starts pissing in it.

And well. My room is covered in his piss.

UPDATE

Yesterday I was listening to music at home when I was hit with the uncontrollable urge to take a massive dump. So I charged to the bathroom down the hall, did what I needed to do, and flushed.

When I got up to wash my hands, my earbuds fell out of my ears and hit the bottom of the toilet bowl with a terrifying thump.

I panicked, because I have a history of destroying my earbuds in magnificent ways. Without thinking, I pulled the earbuds out of the water using the chord that was still attached to my phone and stuck one of them in my right ear to test if they still worked. They did, and I was relieved, until I wasn't.

Realizing my fuck up as soon and the earbud squished into place, I yanked it out and started washing my ear out in shame. I had just put something that was in a toilet bowl that was just full of my crap just seconds ago into my poor ear.

I decided to call it a night, and I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, fever, and my ear was burning. So I realized that it must be infected.

TL;DR I'm never going to hear the end of this shit.

Update: Holy shit front page! I woke up this morning feeling a lot better, the fever is gone but I still have a bad headache. Doctor's appointment is scheduled for later today.

Edit: Read through the comments, and just wanted to say that the fever that I had yesterday was very small. I've also had was I think is a cold for the past week, and the fever was most likely caused by that. I just took my temperature after the shitty incident, and that's what I attributed it to first. Leaving for the doctor in a couple of hours.

This actually happened 2 days ago....

I was heading out to attend a basketball game and called for a Lyft to get to the arena. I saw that my Lyft had arrived and I saw it was a white SUV. I walked out of my apartment building and saw a white SUV parked right out in front. I did not think twice and proceeded to get into the car. I moved over whatever was on the seat (leftover food?) and he began to drive without saying a word. I thought it was a little strange, but did not think too much of it. I then got a notification that I was charged a $5 cancellation fee from Lyft, hmmmm ok, now this is weird. I came to notice we were going the wrong way too, so I asked the driver, "hey, you're going to ***** arena, right?" This was the first time he turned around and said anything. He looked me in the eyes and said, "oh shit, you're not Peter!" He then proceeded to get very upset (I don't know why) and he unlocked his doors and screamed, "get the fuck out of my car!". I was in shock and was also a little scared, so, I was left out in the middle of an unfamiliar part of the city, and I ended up missing half of the game. (But I did get into the correct Lyft this time)

Moral of the story: Make sure you are actually getting into your Lyft when you think you are getting into your Lyft.

TL;DR thought I was getting into my Lyft, but it was actually a man who thought I was "Peter", missed half of the game

This happened a few months back. I usually poop at work cause I don't get much time in the morning at home and am usually in a hurry. This day, I wasn't particularly feeling well. So I sit down on a toilet at office and find that I actually can't force the shit out. So I decide to put my legs up and squat on the seat, as I know that helps with bowel movement. Now, this toilet is not on the floor but actually attached to the back wall. As it turns out, the putty and plaster holding it to the wall is pretty bad and as I, rather uncomfortably try to force out a doodie, squatting on the rather narrow toilet seat, the stupid thing breaks loose from the wall. So I'm sitting there on the floor with ceramic pieces all around me, a few minor cuts in my ass and hands covered in toilet water, while more water splashing my back from the opening on the wall. Thankfully no shit was present in the toilet. A couple of people started banging on the door asking if I'm all right. I told them the toilet broke. One of the kind blokes called a janitor who handed me a rug with which I cleaned myself the best I could, put on my pants and walked out with an ashamed look on my face. My manager and co-workers got a good laugh and I was allowed to take the rest of the day off and get myself sorted. No one who isn't reading this knows that I was squatting on the toilet.

Edit: Reading through the comments, I realise I got off extremely lucky. From here onwards, I shall always check the integrity of a toilet before taking a shit in it.
Also, I took my shoes off before squatting, because I had to take off my pants, I don't see how anyone could sqaut and poop with their pants on!!

I am in a sophomore metal fabrication class. Today was the first day we actually got to try out oxy-fuel cutting. When it was my go to turn on the torch, I put too much of one gas, not really sure if it was acetylene or oxygen, and when I lit it with the sparker it made the loudest sound I had ever heard, like a popping sound, like a gunshot. Right next to my right ear. There are classes next to the metal fabrication shop and at least 2 girls could be heard screaming from one of them. 30 seconds later the school goes into lockdown due to gunshot, the metal fab teacher had to call down to the office to explain what had really went down. There were cops and a swat team outside the school, at least that's what my friend said. My right ear is still throbbing. Thinking about switching electives.

Tl;dr - lit a torch improper, sounded like gunshot. School went in lockdown for a good few minutes

Edit: Holy shit! Got a lot more reception than I thought I would! Thank you everybody for the advice. I would have replied to all the comments but this blew up faster than I could reply.

I've been looking for a job for the past two weeks, and I found about nine places to which I wanted to apply. For each, I wrote a nice introduction email, attached my resume and a cover letter to it from Google Docs, and submitted it. All well and good, or so I thought.

After I wrote my introduction email for the ninth potential job, I opened my one and only copy of my cover letter and tailored it to the specific job I was applying for, as I had done the previous eight times.

It was only after I sent the email that I realized something crucial. When I attached the cover letter to the email, I wasn't attaching a new saved copy of a cover letter like a saved document in Microsoft Word, I was actually sharing a real-time link to the one-and-only cover letter in Google Docs.

The same cover letter that I had been changing nine times for nine different potential jobs.

Horrified, I went into my Sent Mail folder, pulled out the very first job application email I sent out and clicked on the Google Docs link to the cover letter. What popped up was the latest updated version, written for the ninth job application.

Somehow I don't think I'll be getting an interview for any of the previous eight jobs.

TL;DR: I didn't send out nine individually changed and saved copies of my cover letter to potential jobs, I sent out nine links to one singular cover letter in Google Docs that I changed to fit each job as I applied for it. As a result, the hiring managers for jobs 1 through 8 will only see the version of the cover letter I wrote for job 9.

So this fuck up actually happened happened today, going against usual TIFU fashion. I'm currently in the Philippines taking welding courses in order to get certifications to take back to the states. I honestly suck at it but that's bedsides the point. I had just gotten done grinding down my work piece and I make my way to a work booth to begin my weld. I should preface this by stating that I always wear headphones during class to cancel out some of the noise, so I'm thoroughly distracted most days. I strike the rod (giggity) against the piece and get started, all is well I'm really not paying attention. I lift up my mask and grab a tool to chip away the slag and I notice that I can't focus correctly at what I'm staring at. I close my eyes for a bit, does nothing, so I close my mask and try with that and it helps some. I restart my weld after cleaning away the slag as best as I can. At this point I'd paused my music and after about five seconds I notice the arc is much brighter than it is normally and I realize my fuckup. My mask is auto darkening like many of my classmates, except I can adjust a few settings; delay, sensitivity, and more importantly, darkness. After grudging my piece down earlier I forget to turn the knob back from grind to a higher darkness setting, giving my retinas a good tan in the process.

TLDR; distracted fucker can't turn a knob, almost cooks his eyeballs

Having had smartphones for the past 4 years, I've never had a screen crack. No matter how many drops, the screen has always been fine.

So over a meal today when someone wouldn't stop going on about how often their screen smashes, I tried to shut them up by hitting my phone against the table.

Well what do you know, it smashed. It smashed really fucking bad. I even held it up and went "see, they don't crack" before realising. I then had to sit through another two hours of this douche boasting about all the times he's proved people wrong.

This fuck up just happened, but started about two weeks ago when I bought a bag of small orangie citrus fruit (tangerines?). As a single guy, I've been trying to sneak more fruits/vegetables into my diet. Anyway, the orangies were delicious but there were 20 or so in the bag and me just living alone found it hard to finish them off - which leads to my fuck up.

While putting away groceries last night, it looked like the orangies were ready to go to the trash. There were about 8 left - slightly spongy and questionable. I briefly considered tossing them in the trash, but then I figured they'd do better off going down the garbage disposal in my sink.

The disposal ate the first orangie with no complaint, so I fed it the rest one by one with the water running. No problems. But then.... the water started to slowly creep up and I knew I was deep in fuck up territory. I tried a plunger - no effect.

I went to bed with about 8 inches of water in the sink. When I woke up this morning, the sink was empty leading me to believe that I didn't have a complete clog and I just need force to blow the clog through the pipes.

I realized my dishwasher discharges through same pipes as the sink and garbage disposal, so I turned it on and blocked the sink drain to make sure all the pressure was going towards the clog.

As the dishwasher started draining, I could hear the water gurgling and trying to find the path of least resistance.... which turned out to be me and my ill-fated attempt to cover the sink drain. I attempted to bleed out a little pressure from the drain resulting in a rain of hot dishwasher water and orangie pulp... like a citrusy Mount Vesuvius. The window about my sink is completely covered in orangie bits and smells fairly nice.

BTW - the sink is still clogged.

TL;DR- CLogged my kitchen sink, used dishwasher pump to try to dislodge the clog and created a huge mess.

P.S. If anyone has any tips (aside form calling a plumber), please advise.

UPDATE1 - A lot of people asking about the setup. I have a two basin stainless sink. The disposal and the other basin have separate p-traps (not my doing). Both of those traps are routed into a Y connector with a cleanout. My plan after work is to pull the cleanout and see how that goes.

UPDATE2 - I believe the clogs is after both p-traps as the water level in both basins stays fairly level.

UPDATE3 - Instead of taking a picture, I drew a shitty one for you fine people.

Boyfriend woke up, stuck it in from behind while we're laying on the bed, finished the morning deed after about 10 minutes. Commence fuck up. We had stayed up all night doing exactly this and we were still very tired. We fell asleep as we were. Wake up 2 hours later in the same exact position. I start moving and feeling some discomfort. The boyfriend wakes up hurting as well. We try to pull apart only to realize that our love juices are dried up and pulling his hairs... I'm currently writing this not wanting to move anymore and cause any more pain to my bf.. halp! How do we get out of this without ripping all his pubes?!?

I'm going leave out a lot of details to avoid self incriminating here because this could have been a lot worse and was seriously dangerous . This actually did happen just a few hours ago too .

So I was a little inebriated and stumbling a little more than I would like to have been . I pull something out of my pocket and as Im you can guess my lighter came out with it and after some mid-air fumbling around it plug right into the fryer.

I was in a panic at first trying to figure out what exactly I should do while at the same time trying to fish with the lighter out of the fryer before the inevitable happens... An explosion.

After a brief moment of fishing around with no success I was starting to panic quite a bit about the explosion that was soon to come. I decide that I had been fooling around for long enough and needed to take cover. Right as I am turning around to take side cover is the same moment the lighter finally explodes. I was expecting some sort of huge catastrophe but lucky enough all it did was clean fryer grease everywhere which sounds horrible but given the circumstances I was pretty worried the worst would happen. Luckily all that happened was I took a solid spray of find fryer grease to the face. The spray was thin enough that I didn't burn myself too badly but it shocked me enough for me to fall backwards over the pizza oven and onto my ass. Fryer grease also managed to land all over the floor since a big flop shot out of the fryer but none of that hit me luckily. I walked away with a sore ass from falling over and like a dumbass and some mild burning that felt like sunburn on my face. All and all it would have been hilarious for someone to have witnessed it but thank God I was alone in the kitchen at the time because it was definitely a dumb spectacle to see.

Tl:dr I dropped a bic lighter in a fryer and wouldn't ya guess it exploded . No injuries except my ego.

Went to the beach with my housemates instead of going by myself as I'd planned. We went to a different beach which is more like a 'bay' as it's a little beach area with a long channel of water greeted by built up concrete on either side until it hits the ocean. You can set up along the man made banks with your gear and jump into the water at deeper depths. It's great. Very 'european' for an Aussie beach.

Got there and found a spot. It's 34c here today (93f) so when my housemate said "straight to the water?" I replied "fuck yeah", as you would. I rip my singlet off, run over to the edge and dive in. It was cold but not crazy cold.. perfect in fact. I'm treading water when I feel something bob against my leg and as I reach down to figure out whatever the hell it is I'm greeted by a large rectangular object inside my pocket. My iPhone 6s Plus.

I immediately scramble over to the wall and throw it on top. I'm unable to get myself up there because it's low tide but I try anyway, scraping my arm up. I swim around to some steps and as I'm getting out of the water I realise my wallet is in my back pocket as well. I grab my now soaked phone in front of 10's of people clearly aware of my fuck up if they saw what happened. The embarassment is real.

Shaking the phone saw several drops come out. I left it in the sun hoping it'd help evap the water. I went home a few hours later and so far not so good with the rice bag. I'll leave it overnight and try again before calling it. It's a work phone too.

TL;DR - I got excited as soon as I got to the beach and jumped into the water with my phone and wallet still in my pockets.

Edit: For those who care cause it seems some people do.. it's Clovelly beach in Sydney. TinyURL to Google images here.

Edit 2: 24 hours later the phone isn't turning on. It's my work phone and has AppleCare. I'm the IT manager so I'll try my luck with Apple or buy a new phonel. Maybe it's time to go back to Android.. cough Pixel cough no waterproofing though cough

Edit 3: Turns out I'm not the only one that fucked up that day. Shortly after we left we saw police rescue vans with their sirens on going in the opposite direction, towards the beach. Turns out a lady fell off the 10m cliff and broke her leg. Shite. I think she wins.

So this happened this past Halloween. Some months ago, I bought these pink handcuffs from the flee market. We were planning on using them for the bedroom. Well my girl dressed up as a sexy police officer for Halloween. Before we were leaving to go out I grabbed the cuffs and hand cuffed her. I have a real handcuff key on my car keys so I was going to take them off. Little did I know these handcuffs were different and required a different key. She gets extremely upset and demands I take her to the popo station after learning I didn't have the right key. I explain to her that they will not be able to open them because I have the same key as them. She insist so I take her to a police station, while she is dressed up in a sexy police outfit to get the cuffs removed. After I explained to the police what happened I could tell they were holding back laughter. Surprise surprise they were unable to remove them. I finally Google how to pick handcuffs and were able to remove them. Lesson learned test handcuffs before use. We look back and laugh at this now.

TL;DR handcuffed girl while she was dressed in sexy police outfit, didn't have right key, went to the police station and eventually got them removed.

Edit: we had the key just miss placed it. I did not test the handcuffs before because I have 3 hand cuff keys at the house and figured one would work, none of them did and I learned there are more then one key. I put them on her quick right as we were getting into the car. I felt like they would have made a good addition to her costume. When she told me to take them off I inserted my key and then made an oh shhh face.

Edit 2: I have handcuff keys because where I work we are required to carry handcuffs(not a police officer). I have 3 keys because I was issued 2 then giving an additoanl key. My girl did agree to allow me to take a pic of her in the outfit with the hand cuffs tomorrow but I fear no one would see it anyway cause who goes back to the post?

Edit 3: I am going to try and post the pics for all the, "your a liar people", and the people who just wanna see tomorrow.

Edit 4: proof

There's not much to this, only my Mum's friend died last week and her daughter posted details about it on Facebook this past Monday for everyone who wanted to attend, but because my Mum doesn't have her as a friend on Facebook (she doesn't really know how to use it) she couldn't see the details so i looked for her.

"It's Thursday @ 1pm at the crematorium, drinks at the pub afterwards."

So my Mum is at this service for a random person she doesn't know and sits through an entire thing. She's suspicious because they are all mostly African people and her friend was a 65 year old white lady who worked at a Supermarket but she said nothing.

At the end of the service she realised what had happened and messaged me and my sister to find out the exact details. In the mean time though, a kind lady and her two sons have offered my Mum a lift to the house for the Wake. My Mum tries to politely decline and says she must leave but they insist, so she relents.

So she ended up at a random house miles from home and my brother has just had to pick her up, she was given a plate of food (which i think she ate) and had to sneak out to make a phone call. As you've already guessed, the funeral is next week on the 8th, not on the 1st.

TL;DR: I sent my Mum to the wrong funeral after getting the date wrong, she ends up at a strangers house.

I have a bit of a crush on Janie, i meet her a couple of times out and was surprised to see her appear on my suggested friends on Facebook.

A few weeks had passed since i had added her as a friend and i found myself looking through some of her posts.

She had posted a while back a photo of Leonard Cohen which i "liked".

The next day Leonard Cohen died.

kind of weird... but the world is full of coincidence.

anyway later that night drunk me messaged her and said "looks like I'm the business of killing people you love. Who else do you love?"

i sort of meant it as a joke and then i was trying to find out more about people she might admire... obviously it doesn't come across that way does it?

Next day she has deleted and blocked me... :(

So couple of hours ago, I hear shouting,banging and swearing coming from apartment next door. It's morning here so I am thinking some sort of domestic abuse situation as the apartment next door is occupied by a single mom. I decided to call the cops.

Here is the fuck up, I had just woken up and in my befuddled state, I gave the police the wrong house number so they woke up and barged in my very nice neighbours house. Her first thought was something worse has happened to her adult son, Luckily she wasn't so traumatised as she had just spoken to him. I went out and pointed out the right house to the police and they took their statements, hopefully I did the right thing but I will have to take a bottle of wine for the nice neighbour to apologise.

Edit: I would like to point out that this TIFU was in relation to me giving the cops the wrong house number and inconveniencing my next doo nwighbour. I apologised to her and we get along well.

With regards to me calling the cops on the other neighbour where I heard very aggressive swearing and loud noises, if it happened again, I would not hesitate to call the cops. In my opinion, in a situation like this they are the best people to deal with it, not a stranger like me.

edit 2 the neighbour just knocked on my door and thanked me for calling the police. The argument was about a dog they had adopted last week and it kind of escalated from there. She apologised for the noise(I said she had nothing to apologise for) and she told me that she dumped the guy today so it has a good ending of sorts. I going to sign of from this thread now. Thank you to everyone who supported me. Now I am off to buy the flowers for the nice lady next door.😄

My father-in-law and I were chopping and splitting wood to get ready for the upcoming cold season. I was laying larger pieces across a pair of stumps so that he could cut them down to the right length. He just bought a Husqvarna Rancher 460 with a 20" bar and new chain, so he was pretty excited to try it out.

As he was cutting one of the logs down, the piece opposite of my position started to roll off the stump. I had a moment of incredible stupidity and reached for it. At that same moment, FIL pulled the saw up and right into my forearm.

We put some gauze on it and wrapped it enough to make it to the hospital. Even though I said I could drive myself, he insisted on driving. This turned out to be a good move since I went into shock during the drive (though only for a few seconds). The ER hooked me up with pain meds, antibiotics, and 25 stitches.

Here's the picture, obviously NSF(W/L).

TL;DR Reached across a running chainsaw and ripped up my forearm.

Edit: Here's the picture after stitches

so you know when you're about to meet a new girl or guy and so you have a long shower, try on all your clothes, pluck your nostril hair...that type of thing to make sure every bit of you is clean. you wana look, feel and...smell your best. so as I was brushing my teeth I look down at my can of cheap nasty lynx and have a light bulb idea. why not make my dot smell lovely?! now I know this is stupid. however, curiosity killed the cat. so I say screw it and drop the towel. I proceed to spread a cheek with one hand and spray with the other. must of been 2 or 3 seconds of spray. holy great balls of fire! it felt like 2 boxes of matches were simultaneously lit on fire at once In my butt hole. as the seconds progressed the pain only got worse and worse until I was literally on my bed grabbing my ass in agony. biting the pillow. the really bad pain lasted for at least 30 mins and then a burning sensation for like 5 hours. I'm telling you people do not do this...learn from me. the anus is sacred and not to be sprayed with chemicals.

P.S- I'm not gona lie. didn't realize how many people would read about my unfortunate incident. was expecting about 5 up votes. just to answer some questions. -the can was not upside down but more of a 45 degree angle. I used my thumb to push the button. -yes I washed the deodorant off and although there was slight relief the damage was done and didn't make too much of a difference. all I could do was endure. no permanent damage and my "dot" is doing well. -no I'm not a teenage boy. I'm also highly aware of the stigma lynx/AXE holds in today's society. only punk ass bitches wear lynx apparently. almost as bad as BRUT.

last but not least. thanks for the love and laughs and keeping me entertained. many funny people on reddit. peace errrr body