Showing posts with label Turd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Turd. Show all posts

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Easy Prey

I picked this up on vinyl for $3 in Toronto while on tour in 1996. The cover, the band's name, and the album's title was just too "rapey" to resist. I didn't have much hope for the actual music inside, so this epic monument to mediocrity didn't disappoint. Some speed metalisms creep in but the fare here is wholly fluff. So is their anything redeeming about Easy Prey? Well, these dudes weren't bad players, and the lyrics of Jeff Prentice are a study in adolescent rape fantasy and pedestrian misogyny, but only when they aren't ruminating on typical '80s metal stuff like hell and Russia. On the back cover, the Predator has the prey over his shoulder and the mask is off revealing the fetal alcohol feaures of presumably one of Predator's helpful bros. I revisit this work every few years just to see if I can find any good in it. With every listen I drift off into thought, wondering if the members of Predator are somewhere toiling away at some day job and not telling their coworkers about this unfortunate chapter in their lives. I just can't imagine anyone standing around the water cooler saying "I used to play in a band back in the eighties called Predator, we released an album and everything, it was about rape and shit."

Friday, August 19, 2011

Women

It was a perfect plan, prop two tarts with minimal talent in front of a fairly tepid bar rock band and watch Cheetah take the world by storm. So what happened? Why aren't Cheetah a household name like Tampax or Rid-X? Well perhaps it was because they were Australian, maybe because this isn't very good. So why is it here? Well, it had occurred to me that someone out there may have been searching for this. Perhaps it is that elusive grail in someone's nerdy record collecting quest. Or maybe some of you were directing, and producing a really hackneyed '80s teen sex comedy and needed some trite and dated rock music to fill out the awesome soundtrack. Whatever your reasoning, I won't judge.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

In The Pink

If AIDS was a record it would be Dizzy Bitch's 1986 LP In The Pink. Even the title is gross. And if that wasn't enough, the three petri dishes that made up Dizzy Bitch had names like "Tim Tation," "Hondo Blackout," and "Johnny Lust." I think these guys may have been from Vegas, which would make sense, but I really don't know, and surprisingly, there aren't tons of Dizzy Bitch fan sites cluttering up the interwebs. Even though I could probably write a tome on the band's aesthetic choices and missteps, let's talk about the music, shall we? The album opens with Dizzy Bitch's theme song "Dizzy Bitch." Immediately you are taken by the wafer thin guitar tones, the spunky clunky drum performance, and the nasal vocals of one of these shameless gender-bending poppinjays. The follow up track, "Insane by Mother," is a mess. Next up is "Goin' Down" which I am going to go ahead and assume is about a particularly memorable blow job. Oh, check it out, I was right. Halfway through and we get the perky party anthem "Double Time," in which Th' Bitch (as fans called them for short) address the perils of rising to the top without compromise. Interestingly enough, they also address their stupid name in the song. Things get serious on the next cut, "Don't Push The Children," not sure what the point behind this one is. Who are these children and why would we push them? Finally, in the album's close, we are urged to rock with Dizzy Bitch and their song "Rock With Me." Problem is nothing here really rocks and I wouldn't want to even share an elevator ride with Dizzy Bitch, much less rock with them. Jesus fuck, with this and the last post I am starting to wonder if the Cosmic Hearse even gives a fuck anymore.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Kana

J Pop "sensation", Kana, looks like she's made of fucking candy and is perhaps the absolute worst singer ever. Maybe you want this, then again maybe you also want a candy cane jammed in your dickhole.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Man of Your Dreams

File Under "The worst movie-related novelty cash-in records of all time." If you can get through this and not fall asleep, you win. I think I'd rather listen to that Dokken song "Dream Warriors" 100 times than sit through this again. Enjoy!





Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Break It Up Experiment

Back when I posted Bad Religion's bestest album I threatened to drop this fucking corn -studded turd from punk's past. You thought I forgot, but I didn't. Let's try an experiment, since I know this won't be downloaded or commented on much: I want everyone who is reading this to download it, listen to it for as long as you can, then in the comments section, just type how far into it you were before you turned it off, and the first word that comes to your head to describe the album. I would greatly appreciate it. Could be fun.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's Christmas Bitch!

So it's Jesus' birthday and every blog on the interwebs has been dragging out their Christmas rarities. So in keeping with this tradition here's perhaps the dumbest, most ill-conceived christmas album ever. Some motherfuckin' coal for your stocking. Oh, and yes, that would be Snoop Dogg with elf ears. Yup. Oh, and since it's Christmas and shit, go ahead and look at The Cosmic Hearse Wishlist over there to the right. Surely one of you out there is sitting on some of these items, even mp3s of some of them. Come on it's Jesus' fucking birthday, bitch.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Day The Laughter Died

Isn't show business fucked? One day you're America's favorite racist douchebag, and the next day you are just a racist douchbag. Folks, brace yourself for one of the most uncomfortable 45 minutes ever recorded. Not funny ha ha, not funny strange, just weird, tense, and a bit sad. The death of Andrew Dice Clay caught live on tape. Icky. Thanks to J. Harlow for part two. And thanks to Chaki for part one.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Kilroy Was Here

Written by Dennis DeYoung, Styx's, terminally douchey frontman, Kilroy Was Here was a bloated, pretentious, and absolutely shitty concept album/film/stage play that flopped even though it yielded a couple of hits for Styx. Their previous album, Paradise Theater was a critical success and the band, and especially Dennis, felt they could get away with anything, including a hackneyed, dystopian, allegory about censorship with racially insensitive Japanese robots. The story is so pedestrian and goofy it reads like a particularly subversive high school play. Here's the synopsis from the album's liners:

"T H E P A S T... Dr. Everett Righteous, founder and leader of the MMM (the Majority for Musical Morality) became influential in American politics through the use of his own cable/TV network. He spoke about the evils of Rock 'N Roll Music and how its permissive attitudes were responsible for the moral and economic decline of America. He was charismatic, entertaining, and above all, he understood the media. The MMM soon gained enough power to have Rock N Roll banned.

"Robert Orin Charles Kilroy was a world famous Rock N Roll star. As this new law was passed, Kilroy and his band were finishing a national tour. Their last performance at the Paradise Theater would serve as the test case. On the night of the concert, as Kilroy played to a packed house, the MMM marched in and stormed the stage. When it was over, an MMM protester was dead. Kilroy was convicted of the murder and sent to a prison ship with other Rock N Roll misfits.

"T H E P R E S E N T ... is a future where Japanese manufactured robots, designed to work cheaply and endlessly, are the caretakers of society. Mr. Robotos are everywhere, serving as manual labor in jobs that were once held by humans.

"Dr. Righteous enforces his own morality by holding nightly rallies where crowds hurl Rock N Roll records and electric guitars into huge bonfires. Jonathan Chance, the rebel leader of an underground movement to bring back Rock N Roll, has made Kilroy the symbol of his cause. Meanwhile, Kilroy has spent a number of years in prison. With no hope of release, he is subjected to the humiliation of mind control via the MMM cable network. In an attempt to contact Kilroy, Jonathan jams the airwaves of the MMM network, replacing a mind control session with outlawed footage of a Kilroy concert. Inspired by Jonathan's message, Kilroy plots his escape. Late one night he makes a daring attempt to free himself by overpowering a Roboto guard. Disguised as a Roboto, Kilroy moves freely throughout the city leaving graffiti coded messages for Jonathan. Jonathan discovers the rock code which leads him to the old Paradise Theater, now the site of Dr. Righteous Museum of Rock Pathology. There he sees the last Kilroy concert mechanically depicted by Kilroy look alike robots as the violent end of Rock N Roll... and there he and Kilroy meet for the first time."

Dennis DeYoung. Prophet? Mad Man? Genius? Visionary? Total Bag of Douche? You decide.


Monday, December 24, 2007

Some Coal For Your Stocking...

...the Twisted Sister Christmas Album. Why ? Fuck if I know. Um, enjoy.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=STTTUN94