(Click here to skip down to the winning 12-word “Devil’s Dictionary”-style entries)
— Melania won’t be nagging you to eat your vegetables.
— The “Hamilton” cast won’t have to come all the way down to the White House Blue Room anymore.
— The Trump Library won’t take up very much space.
— There’s at least a chance we won’t keep hearing about her damn emails.
If you win, you get Abraham Lincoln. If you finish second, you get him. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post ) In Week 1202 we asked for song parodies that expressed some kind of hope. If you’ve been in a funk since Nov. 8 but aren’t the lyrical type (or even if you are) — or if you are happy with the election results but would like to buck up a funk-dweller: Note some good news for the coming year to comfort — or “comfort” — those who are depressed about the change of presidential administration.
Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1204 (all lowercase).
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a hefty-feeling eight-inch-tall Donald Trump bobblehead from RoyalBobbles.com, the same company that sold us our extremely limited edition (just 19 left!) Bobble-Linc. It’s a pretty good if too svelte likeness of the president-elect except for the uncharacteristic closed mouth (and single chin). Donated by Loser Dave Prevar.
Other runners-up win their choice of the yearned-for “This Is Your Brain on Mugs” Loser mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude” or “Falling Jest Short.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 12; results published Jan. 1 (online Dec. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Maledictionary” was suggested by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
MALEDICTIONARY: THE CYNICAL DEFINITIONS FROM WEEK 1200
Flailing around in search of some tie-in for Week 1200, the Empress trotted out a recurring contest in which we ask for wry, cynical “Devil’s Dictionary”-type definitions of words or expressions; the catch was that the term plus the definition had to consist of exactly 12 words (two words connected with a hyphen counted as two).
Mythology: Religions no one will get angry that you call mythology anymore. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.)
A nail-biter: The first 30 seconds of a Cleveland Browns game. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)
and the ski mask with curly tentacles under the eyeholes:
Promises: These need to be made frequently, since they don’t keep well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Sex: Something to do during the lame sketches on “Saturday Night Live.” (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
“Eat your vegetables”: Phrase uttered before finding spinach dangling from dog’s mouth. (Hildy Zampella)
Hands: In a severed country, the man with tiny ones is king. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
Negligee: Sleepwear for times you expect to neither sleep nor wear it. (Kevin Dopart)
Reality TV: How people genuinely act while performing scripted stunts on camera. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
Telephone: A retro app that some people actually use on their phones. (Daniel Galef)
Hoi polloi: If you have to ask, you’re surely one of them. (Cindi Rae Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.)
“Believe me”: A lie has just been told, or shortly will be. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“Make America great again”: Fill in the blank with your chosen prejudice. (William Kennard, Arlington)
“With all due respect”: “Prepare, as I snort in your general direction.” (Gigi Thompson Jarvis, McLean, Va., a First Offender)
“My bad”: “I’m scoring points by flippantly admitting that I messed up.” (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
“Locker room talk”: A terrible defense used to cover a terrible offense. (Jesse Frankovich)
“Use at own risk”: “Legal team made us write this. Have fun!”(Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.)
Ego trip: The belief that people worship the water you walk on. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Bar: A place characterized by raising of glasses and lowering of morals. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Good old days: When we could afford two spaces after a period. (Mary Kappus, Washington)
Bridgegate: The story of how clogged arteries caused a fat politician’s demise. (Dave Airozo)
Buyer’s remorse: Coming to a neighborhood near you on January twenty-first. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
Cialis: You want something to happen? Get in the same bathtub, dummy! (Hildy Zampella)
“Drain the swamp”: Get rid of those who don’t look like you. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Cubs: A team that has managed to disappoint its most masochistic fans. (Gary Crockett)
Dieter: Someone who counts the calories in what everyone else is eating. (Chris Doyle)
Diplomacy: The art and practice of committing international extortion without obvious hostility. (Kevin Dopart)
Election: A quadrennial event that one is tempted to elect to shun. (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.)
Electoral college: Designed over 200 years ago specifically to defeat your candidate. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)
Empty-nesters: Parents who fear their chickens may come home to roost. (Chris Doyle)
Exercise bike: An oddly shaped coat rack usually found in basement corners. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Fine print at the bottom: An anagram of “Often the important bit.” (Jesse Frankovich)
Grace: The ability to wish a scoundrel well while gritting your teeth. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Mike Pence: A politician who willingly hitched his wagon to a tsar. (Kevin Dopart)
Pollster: An oracle who has swapped entrails for numbers, with similar accuracy. (James W. Hertsch III, Fairfax)
Roller coaster: A carnival ride to help you relax after the election. (Mary Kappus)
Sinkhole: When God decides a vacation home in Florida needs a basement. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
Subway: Mass transit technology that is rumored to work in other cities. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Supermoon: No prettier than other hardworking moons, but better lit and publicized. (Melissa Balmain)
Tim Kaine: Someone whose favorite expression is “Don’t quit your day job.” (Hildy Zampella)
Tootsie Roll: Food that, when chewed, helpfully removes old, worn-out fillings. (Duncan Stevens)
Understudy: An actor who means “break a leg” when he says it. (Kevin Dopart)
Veterinarian: A sort of magician who pulls things out of a rabbit. (Daniel Galef)
Voter: One who studiously gathers all available misinformation about candidates for office. (Duncan Stevens)
Voters: People with their middle fingers on the pols of the nation. (Chris Doyle)
Loser: A person who succeeds at a pursuit you deem insufficiently worthwhile. (Tom Witte)
Style Invitational: Contest used to prove who has the most free time. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 5: two simultaneous contests!
Week 1202, song parodies containing some lyrics about hope: bit.ly/invite1202
Week 1203, what you would do with any of several magical powers: bit.ly/invite1203
