There must be no second chances for abusive men, even when they play the sympathy card

When should we give an ex romantic partner a second chance? When we desperately miss them? When we truly love them? When they commit to changing?

Or because they threaten to kill themselves if you don't take them back?

Last week, 28-year-old doctor Angela Jay was stalked, then brutally attacked, by the man she had been involved with briefly and then rejected. Her attacker, Paul Lambert, was later killed by police. Thankfully, she survived. 

Dr Jay had dated Lambert for a few weeks before deciding to end the relationship. Court documents revealed she decided to give it another go when Lambert became upset, began crying and sending constant phone calls and text messages.

The documents state Ms Jay ended the relationship again, telling Lambert: "It's over I don't want to see you again".

Under the pressure of his threats, she went and stayed the night at Lambert's house after he threatened to "jump in front of a bus".

She later cut off contact and sought an AVO. 

For people not on the dating scene, it may seem astonishing that an intelligent, attractive woman would cave to such emotional blackmail. As someone who has been dating since my divorce nearly four years ago, I can completely understand.

First, as most single women know, men who are rejected tend to argue their case, whereas women, for the most part, slink quietly away. And no, it is #notallmen, and of course I have known men who have accepted rejection gracefully and made a dignified exit. But overwhelmingly, men fight for a second chance, or berate women for declining to date them.

On the other hand, many men simply cannot be alone, and cling to their romantic partners like life rafts. This, of course, is not gender specific; many women harbour the same fears.

What is gender specific, as so brilliantly articulated by David Wong, is that men are conditioned through popular culture to believe that persistence is the key. Movies, books, songs, repeat the theme that women like to be pursued, that it is unmanly to seek consent, that women like to be 'taken', that women like it rough.

And what is also gender specific is the overwhelming sense of entitlement held by many men, who seem to believe that if they like a woman, then she damn well owes him her time, her body, and her affection. This is perhaps illustrated best by the Instagram account Bye Felipe, featuring innumerable examples of men responding brutally to rejection.

Women have the right to reject romantic partners. We have the absolute right to walk away from people.

And yet, even without these pressures, and fears of retaliation, most women find being the rejector to be very challenging. We women are nurturers. We are people pleasers. We are empathetic. We worry about causing offence. And while some men are the same, my experience – and the experience of my friends – indicates that most don't have the same problem.

A man can reject a woman without a second thought, without any guilt or explanation or attempts to soften the blow. Men don't feel they owe women anything, particularly not women to whom they're not attracted. 

But we feel guilty for ending a relationship or declining a date. We feel obliged to give him a chance. We feel worried about causing offence, or wounding his pride, or hurting his feelings if we say no.

And if a man threatens to kill himself if we leave, we take personal responsibility for his plight.

But we all need to remember: We are not responsible. We must not feel guilty. If a man is so depressed that he is suicidal, it is not our job to keep him alive by sacrificing ourselves. We all need to act with compassion and care, but our wellbeing is just as important as his.

Women have the right to reject romantic partners. We have the absolute right to walk away from people. We have the right to say no, to a relationship, to a date, to sex. We must not allow ourselves to be pressured into acquiescence.

I have stayed on in relationships well beyond their use-by date because I felt sorry for my partner. I have been on first and even second dates that didn't feel right to me, because I felt too guilty to say no. Bizarrely, even though I barely knew the men involved, I felt that I owed them my time.

It never, ever works. You cannot force a relationship with someone who isn't right for you, and you most certainly cannot base a relationship on pity or guilt.

Angela Jay gave Paul Lambert a second chance, this man who eventually tried to kill her. So many of us have done exactly the same thing, allowed ourselves to be pressured or blackmailed or guilted into submission. Relationships are not about force or coercion. We must not give in any more.