Those of you out there who have left long-term relationships will know: It is one of the hardest things in the world to do. The execution of a separation involves so many layers of disconnection – emotional, practical, domestic, often legal. It can take months to regain a semblance of equilibrium, and much, much longer to fully recover.
But it is what comes before the separation that is truly difficult. Making the decision to leave an unsatisfying or unhappy relationship can feel almost impossible. How do you decide whether to stay or leave, when your lives are so deeply entwined?
It's tough. It can take years. It can take counselling, and a great deal of soul searching. And there are many factors you need to consider when deciding whether to go.
But there is one key element that you must completely disregard: You cannot factor in love.
This may sound counter-intuitive. If love isn't important in a relationship, then what is?
Well, for a start, the feeling of love can be extremely fluid. It can wax and wane over the course of a relationship. In the absence of any other significant problem, you do not necessarily leave because the loving feeling is gone.
As M Scott Peck wrote, genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present.
In other words, real love is less about the feeling of love than the promise to act in a loving way. It is rare to maintain a consistent intensity of feeling throughout the course of a very long relationship. If there is commitment and compatibility and a desire to move forward, a temporary lack of love does not have to be a red flag.
On the other hand, the mere presence of love is not at all an indication that a relationship is healthy and should continue. Love is not rational. Love can be profoundly destructive. Love can hurt. Love can kill.
It is absolutely possible to feel love for someone with whom you have a toxic relationship. It is absolutely possible to "love" someone who abuses you, either physically or emotionally. It is absolutely possible to "love" someone who makes you deeply unhappy.
Most of us have fallen in love with someone who is not good for us. Sometimes we quickly disengage from that person. At other times, the chemistry is so strong, the sense of connection so real, that we marry them, or spend years or decades with them.
What is love? What does it mean? We all want love to be associated with pleasure, with personal growth, with support and nurturing and a sense of security and joy. But that's ideal, and aspirational, and not necessarily true. We can love people who put us down, who make us afraid, who treat us with disrespect.
We have all heard of women who stay for years with men who hurt them. "But I love him," they say, and they really do mean it.
Love is attachment. It is dependence. It is attraction. It is fear of loneliness. It is that sense of not being able to imagine life without that other person, even if life might be quantifiably better when you're alone. Love doesn't weigh up pros and cons. You can't manufacture it when it's not there and you can't kill it by force of will.
And so, when deciding whether to stay with someone or leave, you need to take love out of the equation. There are things far more essential than love in a relationship. Respect, for example. A sense of safety. Nurturing. Compassion. Trust.
You may feel you "love" your partner, but without those, your chance of happiness is slim. At the end of the day, love has little to do with it at all.
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