Is humiliation good for the soul?

A victory blow has been struck for the small minority of police officers who don't think it's ok to put rowdy teenagers into the bin. A police force has just had to pay out £4000 because one of their cops did exactly that (albeit the boy was in the bin for less than a second).

Apparently the youth felt "upset and humiliated".

This is yet another example of the barbarism of UK police officers, who seem to think it is fine to order groups of antisocial youths to disperse, and even to lay hands on them if they won't! The fact that this officer seems to have tried to keep the tone light by bringing in props to his depraved activities makes it even more disgusting.

Twenty-First Century children are far too sensitive to be subjected to this kind of degrading display and should always be allowed to appear "hard" in front of their mates, with rebellious behaviour encouraged by a round of applause or even a standing ovation. By no means should children be made to feel in awe of authority or respectful of it, as this is a direct abuse of their Human Rights.

Interestingly, the Crown Prosecution Service were not interested in pursuing the officer for any offences here and all they got from their force was a "written warning". Is it vaguely possible that if we knew the full facts of the case, it might not seem quite so bad, and that perhaps the £4000 pay-out was just to placate an irate member of public in the hope the video of the incident did not appear on Youtube?

PC Bloggs - don't be so cynical!

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We know better:

Every now and again, you read about a police officer making up a fantastical allegation for either:

• Attention.
• Fun.
• Mental Health.

This week it's a PC who pretended she'd been mugged, apparently in order to get a new mobile phone. I just cannot understand this. I mean, if you're going to make up a crime, at least choose something not involving a violent attack, like an unwitnessed theft or criminal damage. And at least make sure you've thrown away the "stolen" property first so it can't be handed in at the lost and found.

Perhaps this PC had succumbed to the state of mind that has led colleagues of mine to fake various crimes ranging from car theft to stabbing (more than one). You may have even seen the programme about the PC who pretending he'd been held up at gunpoint. There's usually something deeper at play, such as depression or anxiety.

Then again, maybe they do it because they know that being a VICTIM OF CRIME is one sure way to make sure Blandshire Constabulary bothers to keep in touch with them.

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While we're on the subject, you may have noticed my new header at the top of the post section. Although hard to believe, some police officers DO become real victims of crime. The Police Roll of Honour Trust keeps a record of all police officers killed in the line of duty (or going to/from it). All proceeds from my Google Ads so far and in future will be donated to the Trust.

Don't worry, we'll protect you...

I love it when government ministers get involved in police investigations. Whereas police investigating Rhys Jones' murder would previously have had to rely on old-fashioned methods of evidence-gathering, now they have the genius tool of "anonymous tip-offs". Yet another idea no police officer could have dreamt up on their own, and a brand new Twenty-First Century concept to boot.

Buoyed by the input from Jacqui Smith, Liverpool police have gone a little bit too far. They are now promising to protect people who make witness statements against Rhys' killer. In case you're interested, here are some of the ways police can protect you if you make a statement in a highly-important case:

• Nod very gravely at your concerns.
• Get you to sign something saying you aren't safe.
  
• Put a marked police car outside your house for a few hours.
• Patrol past your house when they have a moment free.
• "Flag" your address so any 999 calls you make get priority.
• Install a camera at your house (at least one attempt should have been made on your life by now).

If you're still alive come the day of court, fear not: you will not have to face the killer in the dock. Your protection can now take the form of:

• A PCSO to escort you from the train station to court.
• Screens around the witness stand so the defendant can't see you.
• Video and/or voice distortion of your evidence (we're talking Mafia-type cases now).

As you can see, you're safe as houses.

Of course, when the court breaks for lunch-time and the defendant is given bail to return for the afternoon session, it will be up to you to ensure that you don't bump into him at the local sandwich shop. We police can't be everywhere, you know.

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What NOT to say to a police officer on a road closure:

Following on from my discussion of road closures on Friday, it may surprise you to hear that not everyone is pleased to discover that they can't get into their house due to a malicious drain explosion. Some are even - would you credit it - RUDE to me where I stand at the road closure.

Of course, as a police officer, I have only three cones, a SLOW sign and a very dirty yellow jacket to carry out all this road-closing. I do not have DIVERSION signs, ROAD AHEAD CLOSED signs or SOMEONE HAS JUST DIED HERE signs. So do not expect to get any warning of my road closures, or any help in navigating around it. Do expect to get a ticket if you drive around me and ignore it. Here are the top ten things NOT to say to me when I'm stranded for hours on a road closure. I hear most of them regularly:

1. "So... is the road closed?"
2. "How do I get to X?"
   
3. "Why haven't you put in a diversion?" (See above - signs I do not carry.)
   
4. "How long is this going on for - I'm in a hurry?"
5. "Can't I just squeeze past?"
6. "But the accident is on the next road over."
7. "I pay your wages."
8. "I'm friends with the Chief Constable, you know."
9. "I'm late for golf, don't y'know."

The top remark NOT to say is to just scream incoherent abuse out of the window, put your foot down and drive at me. I take exception to that. In fact, you might even get a ticket out of me, and I'm not even vaguely interested in Traffic.

In case you're wondering, the BEST thing to say to me on a road closure is:

"You poor dear, you look freezing. Let me take over for you while you go and have a nice cup of tea in front of my television. The X Factor is just starting..."

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The Child Who Wastes Police Time

Danny is eleven. He's a scrawny kid, with an unflattering home-made haircut and clothes that are too big.

Right now, he's sitting on a bench outside a parade of shops in the Porle, the nether region of Blandmore. I spot him under a flickering streetlight, the orange glow lighting up the shadows under his eyes.

It so happens that Danny is a Misper - a Missing Person. He ran out of his foster carer's home at 6pm and we've twice been passed a description of him over the radio, which is how I know to park up and approach him. I should mention that I have a knack for locating Mispers. This is not to suggest I have any kind of special skills, nor that I try any harder than anyone else to find them. I just do.

It is clear within two minutes that Danny has no intention of getting into my police car and going back to his carer's house. He is quite happy sitting on the bench, making shadow animals on the floor between his feet. I suppose, technically, I have the power to forcibly drag Danny to the car, in handcuffs if need be, and take him somewhere safe. Instead, I turn down my radio and sit down beside him.

After five minutes of silence, Danny tells me that he hates his foster carer. He hates his new curfew, the rules about supper-time, not being allowed to slam his door or swear. He hates not being able to ride his bike in the street, because it's been confiscated to stop him running away on it. He hates being at a different school to all his friends, and he hates being told he can't take the train to London to see them. He hates that he sees his mother less than once a month, and he hates that when he does, that fat woman from Social Services is always sitting in the corner making notes.

For ten years, Danny's only rule was to keep well away from a series of his mother's boyfriends, and to call 999 when she put a needle in her arm and started turning blue.

Danny agrees to come to the nick, where I tell him that he's only eleven, and when he's an adult he can choose where to live and how often to see his mother, and can ride his bike anywhere he wants. He and I both know that's a long, long time, and by then he will be in and out of the probation service for fighting, swearing and stealing.

I help Danny write a letter to Social Services and show him how to use our fax machine to send it - no mean feat. Then I drop him back to his temporary home and the carer greets him with a shrug and the words, "There's some cheese in the fridge." I follow up the fax with an email telling Social Services that the carer's home is clean and warm, Danny has his own room and appears to be looked after. After some thought, I add that he's depressed and lonely. I feel like a real hero for that bit.

The fat social worker did read Danny's letter, and I heard he got moved to a new foster carer, just around the corner from the last. He still goes missing from time to time, but I haven't yet found him back on that bench, and I haven't yet arrested him either.

I don't know if he remembers me.

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Should we close roads?

Whenever there's a fatal crash, incident or murder on a road, the police tend to swoop in and immediately close the road. Most people accept this as a side effect of a pretty horrendous occurrence.

You may be interested to hear that I regularly close roads for incidents such as:

• A recovery truck can't turn around.
• A very fat investigator is taking pictures of bits of metal that will add absolutely nothing to his investigation.
• Someone's threatening to jump.
• Someone's jumped.
• Someone needs to sweep up some glass.
• A tree has fallen down although you could squeeze through but if you do and your car is crushed I'll be blamed.

I also quite regularly leave my road-closing paraphernalia in situ and forget about it for hours until I get back to the nick and discover that the boot's empty.

I don't know if we always close roads for the most sensible of reasons. A woman once pulled up to my closure and said, "You do know that the accident is on Green Path?" (I had closed Green Way.) When we do get the right road, it is quite normal for dozens of motorists to be delayed for hours due to someone spraining their wrist in a prang.

Whereas when someone dies in front of a train, BTP just chuck the bits of corpse into a binbag and get the railway lines back open in a matter of minutes. We all have our priorities. Blandshire Constabulary's, you will be pleased to hear, is making sure their arse is fully covered in case of accusations they didn't investigate something properly.

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It's OK, it's Up North:

I don't blog much about murder.

This isn't because I don't read about the latest wave of teenaged victims or don't think it's important. It's because I try to keep this blog light-hearted and - unlike in cases of mobile phone theft, defecation and rape - victims of murder don't make good subjects for ridicule. Plus there's a lot of people already in the camp of being anti-murder, who don't need much convincing.

However at the news that an 11-year-old has been shot dead in Liverpool, I must put out a rallying cry to anyone out there currently without a bandwagon. The situation cannot be allowed to continue, when there is a glaringly obvious solution that this government refuses to acknowledge: we need new legislation, abolishing murder and outlawing firearms.

If only we had these new laws, we could expect to see young murderers deterred from their lives of crime.

You can see here how Liverpool's fine police service have a grip on the problem, rightly cracking down on people who make videos of gangs in the hope that if we can't see them on Youtube, maybe they won't exist:

Incidentally, the shooting occurred in a "designated area", where police had powers to disperse groups of young people due to antisocial behaviour. Phew. That's the police off the hook then; it's the kid's own fault for being there.

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Damned statistics:

My feminist readers will be pleased to hear that Durham police are now "successfully" prosecuting 69% of rape reports, in contrast to 6.9% last year. A staggering increase, which they attribute to their SOLOs - Sexual Offences Liaison Officers. (Please note how they have specially trained two men in case of any male rapes - we can't have police investigating attacks on each other's gender now, can we. Speaking of which, can anyone point me towards a source of conviction/prosecution rates for male-on-male rape?)

I think it's marvellous that this force managed to put off almost half of the daft prostitutes who tried to report rape LAST year and failed (158 reported 2005/06, 83 in 06/07). With many fewer cases to deal with, they have clearly had a lot more time to persuade CPS to charge those remaining. I will abstain from judgment until their conviction rates for these rapes are published.

SOLOs are becoming a nationwide statutory requirement, in case you're interested. Blandshire has been phasing them in for some time now, with some obstacles. Trials suggest that the most effective way of investigating sexual offences would be to have a unit dedicated to it. An alternative "cheaper" solution is to train up a few response officers here and there and hope one of them is on duty at the time of the rape report. Guess which option most forces are opting for?

SOLOs face some difficulties, of course. It is hard for these caring, sensitive souls to integrate properly with their police colleagues. The rest of the office is having to get used to comments such as, "Well, it might be true" and "He's been charged". But it is nice to have a few pretty faces in CID.

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Silencing the critics:

Those who spoke out against Police Community Support Officers might be regretting their foolish outbursts now.

Statistics have shown that PCSOs can and do solve crime. Once every six years, to be precise.

Moreover, Londoners have claimed that PCSOs give out a pleasantly "reassuring presence". Outside London, two fine local Blandmoreans, Kyle and Chazza, confirmed to me only last week that they too are reassured at the sight of our PCSOs. The fact of the role being non-confrontational was a real plus to these citizens, who went on to stress, "And even though they can detain us for 30 minutes awaiting the police, none of them actually do. Innit."

In Blandmore we have a glut of these crime-fighting machines, and I can tell you they are invaluable. Any time I need some traffic directing, or some leaflets giving a good dropping-off, they are at my beck and call. Rightly allowing me the time to get back to all that paperwork.

For an example of some of the up-to-the-minute training PCSOs receive, here is a demonstration of the infamous "stop fighting" technique.

It clearly worked for the unnamed PCSO in this story.

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The Media Liaison

Police suspect foul play.

Sometimes the intellect that goes into being a police media liaison is staggering. I put it to you, if you happened to be the self-same liaison on duty at the time a petrol bomb is thrown into a hairdresser's, which of the following vital pieces of information would you choose to tell the press:

(A) A salon has been petrol bombed. No one's hurt and we'll let you know the results of the investigation soon.
(B) There's been a bomb. Our nation is under attack. Nobody panic, but we're not ruling out Al-Q'aeda.
(C) Well... we're treating it as arson.

If you chose C, well done, and I suggest you apply for the job immediately.
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Speaking Out or Outspoken?

One of the attractions of becoming a Chief Constable is that views you used to air on the course at St. Andrew's can become headlines overnight.

You can just picture Peter Fahy out with his chums after a smashing round, watching the shenannigans of some half-naked teenagers, shaking his head and sighing, "Ooh, if I caught my daughter drunk and in that get-up..." Instead of sighing it to his chums, however, he has blurted to the media. Now it's a national debate.

It seems to be a random process deciding what particular view to preach about, and quite often Chiefs choose their day to do so with unfortunate timing. Such as when Clive Wolfenden extolled the virtues of arming the police a couple of weeks after his force shot an unarmed nutter. Or when Ian Readhead bemoaned our Big Brother society just after a village in his own force spent a fortune on new CCTV cameras.

When I become Chief Constable, which naturally I will do after following Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom's advice and making my gripes public knowledge in blog and book form, I hope to see headlines promoting my more workable ideas. If Essex Chief Constable Roger Baker can make the news by asking his officers not to send emails on a Wednesday, I'm sure I can do as well with a few sarky remarks about the Home Office.


At the Chief Constables' annual conference, sniffer dogs ensure their vehicles are safe for the hard day's work ahead.





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PC Bloggs Investigates... Police Academy

Johnny Law is one of my favourite bloggers. I like his name, I like the picture of his tattoo, and I like the fact that as an American, he can say "I'm Johnny Law!" with an effect I could never get by saying, "I'm Julia Constabulary!"

This week Johnny Law blogs about life at Police Academy. He quotes his old Academy journal: "They then proceeded to make us do push-ups and other punishment drills"; "The last half of today was “Fight Day”"; "they would begin to pound your ass".


It reminded me of my days at good old Centrex, which doesn't exist any more. The "punishment drills" at Centrex were indeed formidable: if you walked around with your hands in your pockets you would get a severe LOOKING AT by a trainer, and if you failed to wear your hat walking from class to the canteen, you might even be given WORDS OF ADVICE.

Woe betide those recruits who turned up for the initial fitness test with sudden-onset tummy ache: they would be cruelly forced to sit at the side of the gymnasium and watch everyone else working out. If they continued to arrive unfit for exercise, they were even sent straight to see the nurse!

That's not to suggest life at Centrex was soft. Most of us left a good deal thinner than when we arrived - more to do with the canteen food than any kind of physical training. As for anybody trying to "pound my ass"... well, that was a strictly after-hours activity.

While on the subject of training, here's a video I can never see too many times:




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It's genius...

There is nothing more inconvenient than having your bicycle stolen, so that when you return from your long train journey or shopping trip to go home, you have to walk or get a bus. I therefore roundly praise West Mercia Constabulary for their brand new initiative - pointed out to me by a reader - whereby shoppers and travellers will return to find their bike has not been stolen, but "confiscated" by police officers for being left unlocked.

Tomorrow I plan to launch a similar initiative in Blandmore. I will start by locating cars with property on display. The property will be removed with the use of police issue gloves and a glass-hammer.

From there I will lurk in dark parks and wait for lone females to walk past on their mobile phones. I will leap out in a mask, drag the female to the floor, hold a knife to her throat and take all her property.

I will then work my way uptown and select the houses of people who have left their windows open. I will creep in through the window and remove their television, car-keys and car. In this way, the people of Blandmore will get a short, sharp shock to the realities of crime. It is just not acceptable, in this day and age, to "trust" people.

You will be pleased to hear that the people of Worcester "are not doing anything illegal" in leaving their bicycles unlocked. West Mercia Constabulary, however, will be:

s.12(5) Theft Act 1968 "a person who, without having the consent of the owner or other lawful authority, takes a pedal cycle for his own or another's use, or rides a pedal cycle knowing it to have been taken without such authority, shall on summary conviction be liable to a fine not exceeding fifty pounds."

Lawful authority = preventing someone else from taking it? I think not.

Bring on the first prosecution of a police officer for carrying out this new operation. We might struggle to prove "for his own or another's use", but I think it's worth a try.

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The Million Civilians

Readers of my last post might be wondering why so many civilians are employed by the police. Whilst part of the answer is obviously MONEY (civilians are cheaper, have cheaper kit, cheaper training and can be shot if they don't perform well), a bigger reason is NCRS: the fabled National Crime Recording Standards.

In the 21st Century, managers and politicians have realised that it is not important how much crime there is, nor how much is solved or prevented, but the most important thing is to record it properly. The NCRS are rules that police forces have to follow in order to both record crime, get rid of crimes that have been recorded, and to claim credit for crimes they have solved.

Here's the clever bit: police forces have for a while now been graded between Poor and Excellent on things like victim satisfaction, crime reduction, crime detection etc. Well now they are graded on their level of compliance with NCRS too. Which means that a police force that is incapable of reducing, preventing or detecting crime can still be graded as Excellent in the way they record it.

Blandshire Constabulary, along with many others, has long since given up a hope of being Excellent at reducing or detecting crime. Instead it has poured all its resources into recording crime as well as possible. There is a slew of civilians whose jobs are to check every crime report for compliance with NCRS and send out emails to the malevolent officers who have failed to enter their victim's ethnic background, age or favourite colour. There are more civilians to check that officers have not vindictively forgotten to update the system with detections, and yet more to make sure that the detections that are on the system are not lies. Another tier of civilians will then audit all crime reports prior to the statistics heading off to the Home Office.

It doesn't matter how many rioters roam the streets of Blandmore smashing windows and beating up random strangers, nor how many old ladies are duped by con artists at their front door. It does not matter how many knives are held to the throats of schoolchildren, nor masked men burst into the bookies on a Saturday afternoon. Instead we can all rest easy that all of these things will be most ethically and perfectly recorded in line with Home Office rules.

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Station Stereotypes: The Case Investigator

Whilst it may be hard to believe, a good proportion of calls to the police actually relate to crimes. These calls are mixed in amongst the far more important reports of children, footballs, dogs and neighbours, and detract from the good work police officers are doing to tackle these scourges.

So the more minor crimes, such as bilkings (making off without paying for fuel), shopliftings where no one's been caught, credit card frauds and thefts by employees, are sent not to uniformed patrol officers, but to the Crime Desk, to Maria.

This is not Maria





The Crime Desk is a jolly place where people take calls from people who take calls from Mops (Members of the Public).

Gone are the days of police officers wasting their time on these investigations. Maria will single-handedly process a dozen of such crimes each week: she sends out proforma witness statements for completion by the victims, she receives CCTV and burns off pictures of the offenders, she carries out phone subscriber enquiries, bank account checks, police national computer queries. She is a multi-tasking diva, even finding time to forward cheeky emails about the state of Sergeant Steelbutt's behind.

Eventually, many of these investigations uncover named offenders. Unfazed by this awkward turn of events, Maria will generate a mound of paper over the next few weeks including witness statements, exhibits, CCTV, photographs etc, and bind all of these into a bright orange envelope. It may sound far-fetched, but on the Crime Desk, they have an unending supply of elastic bands and even treasury tags, and safely ensconced in both the orange package will be inserted neatly into the internal mail.

PC Bloggs will receive the parcel gratefully, delighted to see that all she need do is run out and arrest the named person, with all enquiries done ready for a criminal prosecution. If she has time, PC Bloggs might even send a thankful email to Maria, making sure to point out that whilst Sergeant Steelbutt's behind is nice and everything, Inspector Shagabout has much tighter trousers.

On her next night shift, PC Bloggs will turn up at said offender's doorstep and march him into custody with the proud feeling of someone about to gain a detection for her force. Five hours later, the prisoner is released from custody with no charge when the CPS point out that:

• The exhibits are numbered incorrectly and have been lost in the property store.
• The CCTV stills of the offender are blurred, do not show the offence and the date is wrong.
• Two of the witnesses have not signed their statements.
• There is no evidence that the person arrested had anything to do with the crime.
  
• There is no evidence that a criminal offence has actually taken place.

A better use for Maria's mound of paper



Maybe it should be possible to investigate crime from behind a desk. Maybe it's the rules about exhibit-numbering, identification, CCTV and evidence that need changing.

Maybe until they do, Maria would be better off being trained up as an actual police officer. Until then, at least you know who to call if you have a question about someone's bum.

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DON'T PANIC

I am having a bit of a shake-up of my sidebar.

If your blog has disappeared, do not take this as an insult, personal vendetta or criminal offence. Most certainly do not take it as the views of Blandshire Constabulary, nor a sign that they are "on to me".

It may be I just had too many links in that category and have filtered some out. It may be I never intended to link to you in the first place and am relieved to be rid of you. Or it could just be a mistake.

I will be adding more links soon, so please hold off on the injured emails for a few days.

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More police time wasted

I am disgusted that PC Deano Walker has not been jailed indefinitely for chasing a car he believed to be stolen and then restraining the suspect with the use of his police dog.

It simply is not enough for police officers to 'think' a car is stolen, just because the driver flees like a lunatic for many miles to escape capture. Nor is it good enough to 'believe' the suspect is resisting arrest, just because he doesn't do as he's told and makes a dash for it. Fleeing suspects should get at least two warnings and a good head start before a dog is released, and should really be allowed to strike a couple of blows first.

This is a clear case of double standards, as any member of public trying to chase a stolen car or stop someone using a dog would have the book thrown at them.

I am also interested to read today that the army have issued 'guidelines' banning their troops from blogging or selling stories about their experiences. Oh no! GUIDELINES! Whatever will we do?

The police will no doubt follow suit and add this sin to the Code of Conduct. As long as they don't back-date it. Just let them try...












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Look how EQUAL we are:

You will be pleased to hear that it's not just men who are all rapists, sometimes girls get up to no good too. Three girls have been convicted of sexual assault on an older boy, whereby they kidnapped him, dragged him to their flat and forced him to perform a sex act. This is a victory for equality and I welcome the court's decision.

However, we still have a long way to go. Below are two examples of the kind of regular updates entered into Blandshire's Incident Control System by the on-duty control room supervisor following different reports.

1. Incident:
Caller reporting her 17-year-old daughter was raped last night by two named offenders after going out drinking at her local pub. Daughter is very distressed and sore.
Update from supervisor:
Officers to attend and establish the following:
1. Is the daughter making an allegation?
2. Names and descriptions of alleged offenders.
3. How much alcohol was consumed?
4. If allegation is being made, locate scene.
5. Will the victim attend court?
6. If allegation could be true, will she consent to a medical?

2. Incident:
Caller reporting her 18-year-old son was raped last night by a male known to him, following a party at his house. Son is in pain and upset.
Update from supervisor:
Officers to attend and establish the following:
1. Locate the crime scene.
2. Arrange medical examination and take victim to rape suite.
3. Name/description of offender.
4. Preserve forensic evidence, seize clothing.

I have no idea if it was the same supervisor who wrote both of these, but the wording in example 1 is regularly sprawled across our police logs by someone or other. With enough training and diversity courses for these supervisors, we can only hope that in time, male rape victims will be treated just as well as female.

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You're not the worst police officer in the UK, trust me:

What's the worst thing you've ever forgotten to do at work?
	Submit a file
	Say the Caution
	Eat
	Ring a victim
	Go and check if a body lying in the street is alive or dead

If you chose the last answer, don't feel bad, we've all been there.

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The Panacea of Crime-Fighting:

Stop and Search is back. With a vengeance.

Crime-fighters in London have been making the terrorists quail with an onslaught of stop-searches throughout July: almost 11,000 in total.

This vital tool against terror has so far resulted in the grand total of ZERO arrests for terror-related offences. But we know it's scaring them.

As usual, the liberal left is whinging about excessive police powers, racist discrimination, blah blah blah. When will these people wake up and realise we are living on the edge of death at every moment! Without the exercise of this crucial police power, and the display of manpower the Met is able to put on at the same time, how would we possibly produce enough photographs of police preventing terrorism to reassure the public?

Anyway, to those people who moan that we pick on Asians all the time: it is JUST NOT TRUE. Sometimes we search black people too.

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An Idiot's Guide for Rape Victims

It has occurred to me that there are some people out there who actually expect CONVICTIONS for rape. These people, mainly lunatic feminists, seem to think it is strong evidence to prove that a man has held a woman down, inflicted extensive injuries on her and left her bleeding after her ordeal, as if any of those facts have anything to do with rape.

In fact, a far higher standard of proof is rightly required to convict for rape. Here are some pointers for those women who find themselves in the unfortunate position of being raped, and want to gather evidence for the later prosecution:

• Scream. Very, very loudly. It's a sure way to cover yourself against accusations of consent.
• Struggle like crazy, forcing him to inflict terrible injuries on you, or even kill you. If you're dead, no one can call you a liar in court. At least, if they do, you'll have the sympathy vote.
• Ensure that several different independent witnesses happen upon the rape and when they do, immediately say to them, "I'm being raped."
• Install CCTV cameras at the scene.
• Specifically use the word 'Stop'. Today's case law has proven that 'No' is not good enough, nor is crying, struggling or lying stiff and terrified in the hope it will go away. It really is your own fault if the bloke doesn't realise you're not having fun.
• Finally, make sure you have never had sex before. If possible, you should convert to being a nun before the day of trial.

Good luck, ladies! Go get 'em!

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We ain't got no one

It's finally happened.

The scales have tipped and this morning in Blandmore there were more prisoners in the traps than there were officers on duty to deal with them.

I can only attribute this victory to the persistence of Blandmore's Senior Management Team, who have for months been trying to make us arrest more people with no regard for the number of officers it will take to interview and bail them, nor the hours each response officer will spend over the following weeks chasing up enquiries into each case. It only goes to show, not having enough police officers is no excuse for not generating performance statistics. And anyway, attending all the emergency robberies, assaults and rapes that are going on is far less important than arresting people for stealing Mars bars etc, if it's one or the other, I mean (which it is).

Of course, we shouldn't even be thinking about making arrests for any offence at all, until we have fully staffed all the community events in the area.

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Breaking News! Right Hand asks Left Hand: "What you doing?"

It isn't often that a Chief Constable is saved by the revelation that his force consists of a series of bumbling, bollocksless morons. The latest on the de Menezes shooting is that Sir Ian Blair was only guilty of not having a clue what the rest of his force were already saying. Apparently even off-duty Met officers watching the cricket at Lords knew before Sir Ian did that the victim of the Stockwell shooting was a Brazilian member of public and not even vaguely a terror suspect. It appears no one quite dared tell the Chief that he had rushed onto television a tad too soon, and instead they chose to chuckle behind their hands as he made more and more of a fool of himself.

Sir Ian Blair can console himself in the knowledge that he is not the only Chief Officer not to have the slightest grip on what his troops are doing.

I am reminded of an incident I attended some time ago in the nether regions of Blandmore. A couple had phoned in reporting racist graffiti on their garden fence. I was informed by Control Room that the couple had been waiting to see police for three days and had been back on the phone twice to complain about the lack of attendance.

So I pootled along with my fluorescent yellow jacket ready on the passenger seat, just in case any emergency reassurance was required.

I rang the bell, entered and gave it my all: "So, what seems to be the trouble?"

The couple stared at me with suspicion and eventually informed me about the graffiti. They even showed me through to the garden and I nodded sagely as I viewed the chalk slurs. It was all going swimmingly.

It was at the point when I stated, "I'm going to create a crime report" that it went horribly wrong.

"But we have a crime reference already," the gentleman told me, producing a carbonated crime report form.

I nodded ever more sagely and for several moments longer as I perused this. The date on the report was the same day. "Um, have officers already been then?" I asked at last.

"Well yes, they left about ten minutes before you arrived."

By now my nodding was so sage I felt at least ninety years old. "Um, right, yes..." My mind was working feverishly for a way out of the embarrassing situation. (This was back in the days before I was ever-willing to blame Blandshire Constabulary.) Finally I settled on, "I'm a specialist racist incident officer, just checking you are happy with the service you've received." I know, I know, I'm good.

The couple softened up and let me out with a smile, assuring me they were not happy, but they didn't blame me.

As you can see, we should really be offering praise to Sir Ian Blair for knowing about the shooting at all.


A moment, please, to remember the victim of this tragically British fiasco:

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Part Two of My Caller's Guide

Having successfully encouraged the public to call the police in the past, I have neglected those readers who are already comfortable calling the police and want to move to the next level.

A common misconception is that when you call the police, a police officer will answer, listen to the problem and decide what to do. This is not the case. Not only will it not be a police officer who answers, but whoever does answer will not listen and will not decide what to do. Nor will anyone else.

The truth is that when you call the police, the response will be according to a drop-down menu and a list of Yes/No questions, following a kind of "adventure book" approach to policing which is followed by a civilian with very little legal training. Most of the menus result in the solution: "Tell the caller a police officer will be calling very shortly and promise them that the police can solve all their problems instantly."

Despite this comforting notion, it may surprise you to hear that some Callers of the Police (Cops) do not come out of their police experience feeling fully satisfied. On rare occasions, they may not even be given a crime reference number or no one might even be arrested! This is not an acceptable state of affairs. I therefore encourage all potential Cops out there to follow my simple ten-step guide to Getting Someone Arrested Whether or Not They've Done Anything Wrong:

1. Call the police.
2. Tell the police that your neighbour/ex/parent has committed an offence, preferably assault. At this point, your neighbour/ex/parent should be arrested. If not, proceed to step 3.
   
3. Keep phoning the officer who attended until he/she tells you that the person has been arrested.
   
4. The police may come back at you with one of their staple excuses: There's no evidence, You'll have to attend court, Witnesses say you started it. In this event, immediately ask to speak to another officer. If one is not provided, ask for the duty supervisor.
5. With any luck, the duty supervisor will order the PC to arrest the person you want, just to shut you up. If not, continue to step 5.
6. Phone the next day and try to make the same complaint again. There is a good chance you'll get a new officer who won't know you've already called, and might run out and make the arrest without asking the first officer. If not, proceed to step 6.
7. Phone in again and ask for the duty inspector. Tell him/her you are being unfairly treated and persecuted. Tell him/her you think the officers are racist.
8. If no arrest occurs now, you will need to step up your attack. Find out the name of the area commander and phone him/her. Reiterate that this is racist persecution. Explain that you have an expensive lawyer and a friend who is an MP. Use the phrase, "I'm putting this in writing".
9. Even now, you may be unlucky enough to have phoned an area commander with some guts. In this unhappy event, make a formal complaint through the local complaints procedure and hire a solicitor to plague the professional standards department with phone-calls. Include every police officer you have spoken to in your complaint. There is a slim chance that the police will, even now, stick to their assertion that "There is no evidence". Proceed to step 10.
   
10. Phone the area commander back. Tell him or her you are GOING TO THE PRESS. An arrest should follow.
    

Please bear in mind that even if you follow this procedure to the letter, this does not guarantee a successful prosecution, or even a charge. I will return with more guidance on such matters.

For now, practice the above process on your friends and family. Once perfected, try it out on your spouse or ex, before moving on to complete strangers or people you met once and didn't like the look off.

Happy Hunting.

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