In praise of 9Life, the calming waterfall of free-to-air TV channels

This weekend, Nine's lifestyle spin-off 9Life celebrates its first anniversary.

Oh man, what a year. What the hell was my nightly soothing background noise before the channel debuted last November? Who remembers, probably Friends repeats.

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Unlike many TV-watchers these days, what with their laptops and Amazon Prime VPNs and curated bingeing, I still tend to watch TV the way my grandparents did: constantly and blankly.

Sure, I'll eagerly slog through five straight hours of something like Transparent when the mood hits (it's rare, I was raised on laugh-tracks), but my nightly routine is a tad more relaxed: open my front door, drop my bag, face-dive into my couch, switch on the tube, and stare into the abyss.

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Ah, that sweet televisual abyss. Where you can comfortably zone through three straight episodes of something called Hawaii Life before you've realised what you've done with your evening, and that the dishes need washing, you're still in your work clothes, and there's a crying newborn somewhere in the room.

If ever a channel was suited to such old school viewing habits, 9Life is it. 

The network has become a cult favourite with local viewers, beloved by fans of what Q&A; viewers might call "trash TV": all that enjoyable American reality stuff that rots your brains (meh, they're just brains).

Judging by local Twitter reactions during the US-based broadcasts, I wasn't the only one rolling my eyes at Ben Higgins' nice guy schtick on The Bachelor this year. Or Jojo Fletcher's terrible taste in dudes on The Bachelorette (c'mon man, should've picked Wells). Or cringing at Chad's marauding violent nuttiness on Bachelor In Paradise.

Then you've got Patti Stanger's excitable squeal on Millionaire Matchmaker, that dating show where Stanger uses her "third-generation matchmaker" genes to hook up plastic surgeons and dotcom creeps with poor Angeleno girls (hilariously, tragically, there's always someone who asks Stanger why a "third-generation matchmaker" is still single herself at 55. It's sad, but it never gets old). 

And who knew a show titled House Hunters International could be so infinitely watchable? Trying to pick which Chicago brownstone under $US230,000 some newlywed couple will choose is addictive, like what I imagine all those greyhound enthusiasts feel at the track. I'm pretty sure I've seen the same episode 11 times by now and it doesn't even matter; House Hunters International is like Seinfeld or School Of Rock, you can't turn it off, don't bother.

And to save everyone's time, I'm not even getting started on Love Island, Dinner Dates or Come Dine With Me, aka the TV lineup they show in heaven.

Besides my own personal viewing habits, with 9Life Nine has shown local broadcasters how to do a secondary channel right.

Unlike, say, SBS Food, who seem to think scheduling 14 hours of contrived nonsense like Chopped and Mystery Diners per day is acceptable (thank god for Dinner At Tiffani's), or 7Mate, who have somehow syndicated every single fishing show ever produced for TV anywhere in the world, 9Life gives us "trash" lovers what we need: top rating TV shows fast-tracked so we can keep up with the conversation emanating on pop culture sites and blogs overseas (there's a surprising amount to dissect in whether or not "the Bachelor franchise betrayed Chad", for example).

According to Nine, the channel has been a hit with its target demo, ahem, "women aged 18-54" (yes, I know), with a total of 6.8 million Australians tuning into the network last month alone.

In good news for fans, the network is building on its successful first year, celebrating its anniversary with new episodes from popular series including Keeping Up With The Kardashians; Million Dollar Listing, with its bickering celebrity-salesmen Josh, Josh and some other guy surprisingly named Madison (not Josh); and something called Hollywood Medium With Tyler Henry, a Crossing Over-esque show with John Edward replaced by some 20-year-old YouTube clairvoyant.

C'mon, where else are you gonna get that kinda stuff? I, for one, will keep tuning in. And obviously, by 'tuning in' I mean blissfully tuning out.