Dear Rowena,
I called a black man a "gorilla" by mistake. Does this make me a racist?
Yours in despair,
Peter BanDanna
Dear Peter,
In today's politically correct world, what you say and what it means depends entirely on where precisely you happen to sit on the spectrum of our enlightened, diverse, multicultural world, or rather, who you happen to identify with.
If you are lucky enough to identify with any of the following groups, it is obvious, for the reasons I explain, that you simply "misspoke" when you called a black South African a gorilla.
Gay: Clearly, as an oppressed gay person who has been desperate to get married since before you were even a little boy (or was that a girl?) the term "gorilla" denotes the oppressive, homophobic, transphobic, heteronormative society in which you have been forced to endure years of relentless bullying and public micro-aggressions in unsafe schools and it goes without saying that your use of such a graphically simian term was simply a cry against the perpetual hostility of "man"-kind towards your glorious gender fluidity and obviously has no racial overtones whatsoever.
Environmentalist: Obviously, if you are a compassionate eco-warrior and climate change advocate, your use of the term "gorilla" was simply a reference to the tragic, man-made, anthropogenic disaster of "Gorillas in the Mist", as revealed in Al Gore-illa's famous climate change documentary of the same name, and your use of the G-word was your desperate attempt to raise awareness of – and elicit sympathy for – those whose livelihoods and cultures within the Rwandan highlands are under imminent threat from catastrophic global misting.
Indigenous Australian: Self-evidently, as someone who identifies strongly with your Indigenous ancestral roots, your use of the word "gorilla" to describe another human being was a subtle reference to your innate sense of being held "captive" in modern Australia since the time of the invidious Cook Invasion, whereby you and your ancestors, even those who have your own TV shows, work in universities, write books, make records, run multinational companies, head up think tanks, earn squillions, hold top government jobs and so on, feel "trapped" and "caged" by white Australians, much like "a gorilla in a zoo".
Republican: It goes without saying that the use of the term "gorilla" is merely an ironic term used to define the primitive nature of a monarchical system of government imposed upon an agile, innovative and modern young country, whereby a family of illiterate in-bred Germanic aristocrats who bear not only a striking resemblance to a group of grimacing chimpanzees but who run around like a bunch of randy meerkats, wield enormous power out of all proportion to modern sensibilities, as inappropriate and farcical as, say, a 400lb silverback trying to use an iPhone.
Muslim: Put the machete down and explain to the undercover race discrimination officer who unfortunately overheard you that you didn't call the black man a "gorilla", but rather you called out "guerrilla!", and that although the two words sound similar you were merely attempting to explain to your Somalian companion the sort of cultural jihad that you have in mind for the two of you to undertake as soon as there are enough people in the café to make it worth your while.
Little white girl: If you called a black security guard a "gorilla" you deserve to be hauled in front of the police, held in solitary detention for hours on end and publicly humiliated for the rest of your life. (Ditto footballer/ape combo.)
Privileged white male: Unfortunately, mate, you're rooted.
Meanwhile in Parliament this week, the controversial Backstabbers Tax was passed through the Senate after having been dramatically amended by the crossbench. The Backstabbers Tax, originally designed by Joe Hockey and Tony Abbott in their last budget in a desperate but failed attempt to avoid being stabbed in the back themselves, was to have hit any politician who successfully stabbed another politician in the back with a 32.5 per cent levy on their salary and gold-plated super.
"Ve haf so many backstabbink politicians amongst mein colleagues zat zis tax vood haf gone a long vay to returning ze budget to surplus, und put mein, I mean ze nation's economic future on ein sustainable path," explained one irate Coalition finance minister speaking on strict condition of anonymity in a bizarre quasi-Belgian accent.
Said another, speaking anonymously from a Manly surf club: "The whole point of the Backstabbers Tax was to raise a fortune from all those backstabbers who have scampered overseas like Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard as well as discourage people like Malcolm from stealing my job."
Twitter @rowandean
AFR Contributor
