I'm in excruciating pain and I'm struggling to take steps. I look like I've just had an accident in my pants, but what's actually happening is my inner thighs are being rubbed raw, because; they touch, it's summer, and I'm wearing a skirt.
The initial grip and stinging between my thighs morphs into what feels like minor tears in the skin interspersed with tiny cuts by a blade. I don't know how I will continue the rest of the day. So far I have walked around and admired boutiques, enjoyed a tuna and caper panino and climbed the 414 stairs to the top of Giotto's bell tower.
But now I have to sit down on the kerb, wedge my skirt between my thighs and take a deep breath, I feel undignified but I'm desperate. My face is flushed and tears well up. My husband sits next to me in support and we wait together quietly until I muster up enough strength to walk to the nearest airconditioned cafe for some respite. The only thoughts going through my mind are, "If only I had that pawpaw ointment with me", and "why the hell am I wearing a skirt?"
I still cringe when I think back to that day. What on earth possessed me to wear a skirt in summer? Well, Florence had something to do with it. I was in one of the most stylish cities in the world and I wanted to look nice. But it was summer and I underestimated the heat and the sweat that would follow. I already thought I was being sensible wearing my easy-to-walk-in but stylish patent leather sandals, a T-shirt and my one-and-only A-line skirt that accommodated my thighs and backside rather well.
But really, how sensible was it to wear a skirt? Well, it was a huge mistake. As the day heated up so did my thighs. Suddenly the shops became less appealing, my appetite wavered and even the imposing architecture lost its aesthetic potency – all because of my inner thighs.
Since then I haven't worn a skirt in summer. It's just not worth it. No matter how floaty, sexy, summery or beautiful they might be. It's just too painful.
Having thighs that touch, whether it's because that's simply your shape, perhaps you've gained a bit of weight, or maybe you're an athlete means they will rub together.
Shapewear-type underpants may be tempting at times, but the truth is they're pretty dreadful to wear. The fabric is quite thick and the elastic too tight, which can bring on that formidable muffin top. Plus nobody feels good dressed like sausage meat stuffed into a casing.
Issues with looser fitting trousers is that they often ride up giving you that unsightly V-shaped silhouette in the crotch area and skinny jeans are only an option if by some miracle you find a pair that accommodates your hip-waist-thigh ratio. Shorts can be risky, too. Shorter styles can creep up and longer shorts can look terribly daggy unless you find a pair that's cut just right.
Undoubtedly athletes would have similar experiences. I can't imagine Serena Williams or Anna Meares enjoy wearing skirts in summer. Well neither does Lou Landers, 32, a Melbourne-based pole athlete and instructor. She says, "The last time I walked around in a skirt on a hot day I had to buy some leggings to relieve the pain, and skinny jeans aren't even in my clothing vocabulary! But I need strong legs to stay on the pole, they make me feel secure and I actually like how shapely they look."
So all you ladies out there whose thighs touch, I know you know that wearing skirts in summer is risky. And as for those hot-dog legs and thigh-gaps, they will remain phenomenon we will never see on the Self.
But, if a lovely skirt does seduce you then at least be better prepared than I was. Keep a tube of something greasy handy or choose clever undies that will spare you that awful pain. And like Landers, let's embrace the look, the shape and the power that comes with it.