"I thought sending out the invitations would convince me that everything was all right."
A few weeks ago, my daughter turned up to visit unexpectedly on a Saturday morning. The news? Big.
"I don't want to get married."
Some mothers listen better than I do. Instead of recognising the tone of voice, I think I replied something along the lines of, "Yep, it can be pretty rainy in April." Then I continued reading the paper, scrolling through my phone. Silence.
"I don't want to get married to him. Ever."
Now, paying attention.
For nine months, we had all been planning the big day. She is one of the most organised women I know and everything was set. Venue. Tick. Dresses. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Flowers. Tick. Catering. Tick. Wedding cake. Tick.
And then, in early October, the invitations went out. When she told us she had changed her mind, I kept thinking that it was a whim, the result of an argument, a tiff. I pressed her on why she'd sent out the invitations. Was she sure she was doing the right thing? Bad mother that I am, I certainly had no inkling that there was anything at all wrong.
So why did she send out the invitations?
"I had made all these commitments to people and to a person I thought I was in love with and so I was sticking with my principles. I thought that sending out the invitations might convince me that everything would be all right."
Most often people will say to me, as prospective mother of the bride, "I am so sorry".
Don't be.
I'm thrilled and that's not because I had anything against her former partner. He certainly seemed liked a nice enough chap. I'm thrilled because she is doing what is best for her and what she wants to do. I'm thrilled because I've written so many stories about women who did what society expected them to do and then hated it.
That's not her. A few days later, after she had moved back home, she was her regular composed self.
So how did she "really" feel?
"Mostly I felt embarrassed. I had made a big hoohah of getting married. I had a giant gumball on my finger. I bought a white dress. I showed the florist about 312 photos. I'd even had a hens' meeting three days before the break up. All my students [she's a high school teacher] knew I was getting married."
But she says the embarrassment is nothing compared to how much better she feels. She says that over the last six months, she's done nothing but agonise about whether to go ahead or not go ahead.
Now she's made the decision and the awkwardness of telling people has all but disappeared in just a couple of weeks.
How have people responded?
She says most people have been pretty great. Most people.
"Some people have said to me, 'are you sure you want to do this? It's very final'.
"And straight away I've said: 'Not as final as getting married'."
Most of her friends have been really supportive (and a special shout out to her older sister and to Pip, who she met on day one of year 7, firm friends ever since).
"They've said: 'OK, we are going to do this. We are going to get you through this'."
Parents and siblings utterly fabulous (OK, that's from my observation but she nods). Also, now, I am actually listening.
And what about all the commercial arrangements? The dresses will eventually get sold online. The City of Sydney returned the fee for park hire a few weeks after the cancellation. Emails sent to all those places where bookings had to be cancelled.
A lovely message from Black Star Pastry, where the wedding cake had been ordered with complete payment.
"They called and the voicemail said: 'Hi, it's Black Star Pastry and I was wondering if you accepted a full refund and hugs over the phone'."
What next?
"I feel extremely relieved and light now and I felt trapped and anxious for six months. I feel like it's OK to be 28 and not getting married."
Very all right. It's quite lovely having a child at home after all these absent years. One night, when I'm pressing her to tell me exactly what went wrong, she turned to me:
"I just want what you and dad have."
And more than anything, we want her to be happy.
I have so many women who have said to me in the days since she decided not to get married: "I wish I'd done that but I didn't have the guts to pull out."
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