Wednesday is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement and the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. I'm not at all religious, but even I mark this occasion. It is the day we are supposed to atone for all the sins of the past year, and seek forgiveness from people we've wronged, and from God.
I've thought a lot about atonement and forgiveness. I'm one of those people who is painfully anxious about doing the wrong thing, and so I'm constantly apologising and trying to make amends. I had to cancel plans? I will say sorry a dozen times. I accidentally offended you? I will beg forgiveness. Forgot an important occasion? I will be mortified.
!["This Day of Atonement, I will try to forgive myself for all of it. And be better to myself over the coming year."](/web/20161013143706im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/s/0/8/c/a/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gs0824.png/1476226676116.jpg)
And so I struggle to think of those from whom I still need to seek forgiveness. I am a (mostly) good daughter to my parents. I am a (mostly) good friend to the people I love. I am a (mostly) good mother to my children, and a pretty fantastic parent to my cat.
But there is still someone to whom I must apologise profoundly. Someone from whom I need forgiveness, on a very deep level.
Myself.
I have let myself down a thousand times, in a thousand different ways, over the past year. I am the person I have wronged the most, and I am the person I most need to forgive:
- For putting myself last so often, when I should be putting myself first;
- for compromising myself for other people, when I should be true to my own values;
- for placing myself in situations and relationships in which I am hurt, because I don't believe I deserve anything more;
- for putting myself down, privately and to other people;
- for not believing in myself and my abilities;
- for allowing fear to stand in my way of accomplishing all I want to do;
- for keeping people in my life who aren't good for me;
- for being so bloody hard on myself;
- for comparing myself to other people and finding myself wanting, instead of knowing that I am enough as I am;
- for criticising my body, my face, my hair, in a way I would never criticise anyone else's;
- for refusing to believe other people's compliments;
- for putting crap into my body;
- for self-flagellating when I put crap into my body;
- for not exercising enough;
- for self-flagellating when I don't exercise enough;
- for dwelling on all the things I do wrong instead of all the things I get right;
- for expecting more of myself than I'd ever expect of anyone else;
- for being angry at myself for not fixing situations that are just not fixable;
- for reminding myself of all my mistakes, over and over again;
- for feeling guilty when I take time out for myself;
- for feeling guilty when I say no;
- for feeling guilty when I stuff up, even though everyone stuffs up;
- for trying to be perfect.
It's a long list. I can't imagine having such a long list of sins against any other person. And I'm sure I will think of more as the Day of Atonement unfolds. For now, though, I will try to forgive myself for all of it. And be better to myself over the coming year.
Jewish or not, maybe you should try it too.
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