Jo Thornely recaps First Dates episode 2: Where love happens like in the movies

This is a place where love happens just like in the movies, or at least like in terrible knock-off pirated movies.

Movies like:

EX MAN

Jeremy has his life together. He owns his own building business, wears a shirt mostly, and uses lots of vowels when he speaks — the full package.

In fact, shirts are pretty important to Jeremy. He’s looking for a girl who can “chuck on a flanno and come campin”, which is a shame, because while his date Mackenzie loves camping, she has trouble putting her clothes on the right way around.

Mackenzie says her main problem in relationships is that she obsesses about her ex-boyfriend, but she won’t be doing that any more.

Starting right after this date.

Their steaks have barely hit the table when Mackenzie asks if she can bring up the touchy subject of past relationships, and tells Jeremy all about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, whom she only held a grudge against for three months. Ish. Rounded up to sort of right now.

Despite people on first dates normally loving deep analyses of how previous romances went wrong, Jeremy seems reserved in his affections. And despite seeing everything through the filter of her past lover, Mackenzie calmly texts a friend that she’d like to marry Jeremy.

Women’s magazine dating advice columnists are pretty cross at Mackenzie by this point, but finally she does something right and spills a glass of water right on Jeremy’s crotch.

Unfortunately for Mackenzie, it’s not to be — at Awkward Question Time, Jeremy says that she probably needs a bit more time to get over her ex. At least I think that’s what he says — he speaks a bit like he’s chewing on a toddler’s shoe, so for all we know he’s giving her a recipe for chicken fajitas.

LOVE ACTUALLY PROBABLY

The bright and endearing Sharon wants a relationship that doesn’t end with her discovering her partner is cheating on her, causing her to pack her things and move back to her parents’ place, because she’s fussy, I guess.

The handsome and unassuming Tim is looking for an honest, loving brunette, presumably Sharon, or really anyone who has a thing for a slightly shorter version of Jeff Goldblum in casual slacks.

We’ve got a good feeling about these sincere, pleasant kids straight away, from the moment they accidentally brush hands at the bar.

Just in case they’re not perfect for each other and willing to get married on the spot, they check what each other’s hobbies are.

Sharon is a volunteer zookeeper who feeds baby lions, and Tim volunteers for a “big brother” program, mentoring troubled youth.

It’s completely unacceptable to have these faultless human beings on our televisions, making us feel bad and lazy by comparison.

The pair only stop donating to humanitarian organisations to gaze adoringly at each other and tell the camera how gosh darn amazing they think the other one is. It’s adorable. It’s heartwarming. It’s making me feel actual feelings.

ROSHEEN, ROSHAN, A YOUNG GIRL’S STRANGE EROTIC JOURNEY FROM ENTRÉE TO DESSERT

You know how some couples start to think alike, dress alike and look alike?

Well, if the next couple ends up living together, be very careful when you address their mail.

Law student Rosheen comes from a massive family, hates the gym, and wants to date Roger Federer, while personal trainer Roshan comes from a normal-sized family and wants to date someone preferably older than Rosheen, or at least someone who doesn’t say they’re going to the bathroom to “regroup”.

Rosh and Rosh are extremely good-looking, and both seem intent on contributing robustly to my theory that extremely good-looking people are often intensely uninteresting. The only thing Rosh can think of that might hamper romance is that Rosh thinks his job is a waste of money, although they correlate perfectly on the teeth-brightness index.

The couple is quite shy and awkward when asked if there’ll be a second date, and agree to have one. Soon Rosh and Rosh will be telling their kids, Josh and Tosh, the story of how they met.

Maybe while they’re shopping at Osh Kosh B’gosh.

FLYING HI

Garia is a very confident and flirtatious flight attendant, and her friends call her “Garia”, because that is her name.

Dominic is a very confident and flirtations British guy shockingly living in Bondi, and his friends call him “Postman”, apparently because he “delivers on nights out”, but possibly because he has a male sack.

Dominic’s job is to deliver saucy compliments to Garia with flushed cheeks and stop just short of saying “innit, geezer” at the end of every sentence.

Garia’s job is to giggle and swish her hair around like an aviation windsock when Dominic tells her he “loves a juicy bottom”.

Look, these are two people who know what they want and often get it.

The whole date continues along the same vein — compliment, giggle-flick — until Dominic decides that what this episode needs is a foot fetish theme. He asks Garia what size her feet are.

At best it’s a weird question to ask on a first date, but Dominic, try not to look shocked and say “is that even possible?” when she answers “Size 9”.

For the first time, Dominic’s considerable chutzpah suffers a minor dent as he realises this might be that rare breed of woman who says no to him.

She isn’t.

BRIDGET JONES’S PODIATRY

Roxy, the girl who described herself as “Australia’s Bridget Jones” for no discernible reason last week, is back to see if she can have her dinner paid for for the second time in her life.

Last time, we learned that Roxy likes horror movies and Usher. This time, true to theme, we learn that she likes Akon and feet.

Coincidentally, her date Brent is a podiatrist, who assures us that “I don’t have a foot fetish or anything like that”. Sure, he says the first thing he notices about a girl is her feet, and that feet might make him stop dating a girl, but fetish? No.

Like any normal, hot-blooded woman, learning her date willingly touches feet is an aphrodisiac for Roxy, who spends the date trying to wangle a foot massage dessert out of Brent.

The saucy minx even admits that she’s paid one of the children she nannies to massage her feet in the past, knowing that child slavery is a time-honoured seduction technique certain to set Brent’s desire on fire.

Instead of impressing Roxy by showing he knows his way around her phalanges, Brent instead warns her that he’s “kinda like a rap superstar”, yet refuses Roxy’s very street request to “sing me a rap song about feet”.

Roxy is unperturbed, however, as Brent keeps ticking all her boxes — the one where her mother approves the podiatrist via a toilet phonecall, and the one where Brent pays for dinner. When a second date is agreed upon, Australia rejoices.

Roxy’s mum is probably a bit pissed off, though. She got all those cards printed for nothing.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

For more awkies first dates:

FIRST DATES EPISODE 1 RECAP

Originally published as Is this dress on the wrong way around?