What it is like to date a narcissist

Once upon a time, I had a terrible relationship. I dated a man who adored me one day, gaslighted me the next, and was cold to me on the third. And then the pattern would repeat itself. Eventually it ended, and I was left reeling. What on earth did it all mean?

I figured it out, completely by accident, when I stumbled upon a post about narcissistic abuse. "Narcissistic abuse?" I thought. "That's a real thing?"

But when I read the post, I realised it was, because there was my relationship, in black and white.

I'd suspected the man I was dating was a narcissist – as in, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not just a person with narcissistic tendencies. What I didn't understand was the pattern of behaviour that narcs engage in with their partners.

A person with NPD needs constant admiration to boost his* pathologically fragile sense of self. This admiration, this adulation, is referred to in forums as "narcissistic supply".

The primary source of a narc's supply is his partner (he will also need secondary sources of supply: adoring friends, admiring staff, acolytes, and so on) and he will choose a partner of as high status as possible, whether in looks, money, success, fame or contacts. If it sounds cold and calculating, it is. A person with NPD is incapable of real love.

But it looks like love, at least initially. Narcs idealise you, love bomb you with affection and praise and feigned empathy. They use words like "adore" and "soulmate" and "forever" to secure your adulation.

And then they suddenly withdraw their intimacy, leaving you frightened and destabilised. This "devalue" phase happens when your admiration fails to give them the boost they need, which is inevitable, because nothing can boost them. If you assert yourself, they will become enraged. Devalue phases can involve both subtle and explicit abuse. The moments when they need a top up of supply (perhaps work is going badly, or they've been rejected elsewhere) are when they are at their most dangerous.

Eventually, the narc will discard you, generally with shocking coldness. Narcissists are never alone for long if they can help it, and usually have a new woman lined up before they've left the old. But they will often return to love bomb old partners when they need more supply. If you're married to a narc, they may devalue, abuse, discard and idealise you over and over again in a cycle that can span decades.

Narcs reel us in because they are brilliant at seduction. They are charismatic, because they have to be. They are masters of feigned empathy and love. But it is empathy and love that can be withdrawn at a moment's notice, and it is this intermittent reinforcement that is the key. Just as people get hooked on playing poker machines by getting coins at random times, so too do partners of narcs get hooked by the random bursts of intimacy.

The pattern of narcissistic abuse is extremely specific: idealise, devalue, discard. There are abusive partners who are not narcissists: men who have violent tempers who explode when angry or drunk, and who are genuinely repentant, but then repeat the cycle. People with NPD can feign repentance to ensure further supply, but it is an act. They are unable to feel empathy or remorse.

The greatest challenge of being subject to narcissistic abuse is finding a therapist who can deal with it. Therapists can see bruises, they can hear of emotional abuse, and they can work with a client to manage their trauma. But therapists cannot diagnose a woman's partner with NPD in absentia, so it is tricky for them to tailor therapy around narcissistic abuse. And narcs rarely if ever seek therapy for their NPD, and even if they did, it is the most difficult of all personality disorders to treat. Furthermore, as narcs are masters of manipulation, they can appear charming and empathetic in couples' counselling.

And so the industry relies on women diagnosing their partners, which is hugely problematic. After all, as much as I can see my relationship was a fairly textbook case of narcissistic abuse, I am aware that it is tempting to seek easy answers when a relationship breaks down.

However, until a therapist can diagnose an absent partner as having NPD, support for narcissistic abuse will remained moored in the online world. And as tempting as it is to be cynical about a "thing" that exists largely in blog posts and forums, it is real. I know that now.

Hopefully you still don't.

*there are more men with NPD than women.