This was published 7 years ago
The reckless ballad of the Wyatt Colonial Roy
Because nothing says "courage" or "responsible adulthood" like being a tourist in an active warzone just for kicks.
By Andrew P Street
There was a Wyatt Colonial Roy, who once was an MP
He ruled the seat of Longman, from Caboolture to Ningi,
He backed the Turnbull challenge lest T. Abbott did destroy,
The hopes of second termage for the Wyatt Colonial Roy.
He thus became a minister whose future seemed assured,
But advice he gave James Ashby didn't seem quite above board.
When asked of Peter Slipper he became extremely coy,
When chatting to the AFP, the Wyatt Colonial Roy.
To his good fortune all the scandal seemed to gently die,
Yet Roy was dumped from power by his voters in July.
And so he grew a manly beard to look less Fauntleroy,
And set off to Iraq last month, the Wyatt Colonial Roy.
And sure, Iraq's a war zone, as Australians well know,
The government advises it's a stupid place to go,
But if you want to show that you're a grown up, not a boy,
Then why not do it anyway, young Wyatt Colonial Roy?
"Pew pew pew! Boom! NyyyyeeeeeeeearBOOOOSH!"Credit: Twitter/SBS
What was Wyatt doing there? Well, nobody's quite sure.
Why choose to be a tourist in an active zone of war?
Presumably he knew they'd guns and mortars to deploy,
"But soldiers will protect me!" figured Wyatt Colonial Roy.
No sooner had he gotten there a fight had begun!
But Roy hung 'round to film it, rather than turn tail and run.
"My courage under fire will sure impress the hoi polloi,
"Though there'd better be an airstrike," hoped the Wyatt Colonial Roy.
And yes, he got courageous visuals upon his phone,
And used much military slang in interviews back home.
"They joked I was a mascot Malcolm treated like a toy,
"Now everyone will be impressed!" thought Wyatt Colonial Roy.
But though he dreamed of all the praise and accolades to come,
Instead he got a slapdown from his parliamentary mum,
Julie Bishop asked "why were you in that damned convoy?
"You've got no business being there, young Wyatt Colonial Roy!"
But Wyatt's kept insisting that he still did nothing wrong,
As questions as to why he went are asked by Penny Wong.
It's fun to play at soldiers, sure; it's such a simple joy:
At least the beard quite suits you, honest, Wyatt Colonial Roy.
Andrew P Street's new book The Curious Story of Malcolm Turnbull: the Incredible Shrinking Man in the Top Hat is out now through Allen & Unwin - and the new Double Disillusionists podcast with Dom Knight, Andrew P Street and special guest Mark Humphries is up at Soundcloud and iTunes.