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How Clinical Trials Work

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Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
End Of Section
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How Clinical Trials Work
How Clinical Trials Work
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety
New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety
How Animals Go Extinct
How Animals Go Extinct
New STEM Initiative Just Tries To Dissuade Students In Other Countries From Pursuing Science Careers
New STEM Initiative Just Tries To Dissuade Students In Other Countries From Pursuing Science Careers
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities
NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities
New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day
New Study Recommends Insects Spend At Least 30 Minutes Skittering Per Day
Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible
Experts Advise Against Throwing Laptop Across Office Even Though It Will Feel Incredible
Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall
Report: Ground Still Least Desirable Surface For Breaking Fall
‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon
‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon
NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite
NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe
Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe
New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage
New Audubon Report Finds 78% Of Female Birds Sexually Harassed By Stranger Exposing Colorful Plumage
Biologists Discover Billions Of Missing Bees Living Anonymously In Sacramento
Biologists Discover Billions Of Missing Bees Living Anonymously In Sacramento
Lone Ant Crawling Through Kitchen Trumpets Arrival Of Horde
Lone Ant Crawling Through Kitchen Trumpets Arrival Of Horde
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet
Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet
New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings Of Joy When Pushing ‘Skip Ad’ Button
New Study Finds Humans Experience Greatest Feelings Of Joy When Pushing ‘Skip Ad’ Button
How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change
How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change
‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive
‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive
Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On
Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On
World Wildlife Fund Publishes Photo Of What Species Last Seen In 1987 Might Have Evolved To Look Like
World Wildlife Fund Publishes Photo Of What Species Last Seen In 1987 Might Have Evolved To Look Like

How Clinical Trials Work

INFOGRAPHIC November 16, 2016

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process:

  • STEP 1

    Cage full of mice killed

  • STEP 2

    Human test subjects selected from representative group of subway passengers looking to make $250

  • STEP 3

    Clipboard time, baby!

  • STEP 4

    Lucky bastard manages to reap psychological benefit from sugar pill

  • STEP 5

    Research destroyed when trysting young lab assistants knock over entire tray of blood samples

  • STEP 6

    7-milligram group starts to act pretty weird

  • STEP 7

    Third phase of trial expands testing outward from group of 100 healthy adults to water supply of Topeka, KS

  • STEP 8

    Voice actor splinters under pressure of cramming 17 side effects into final six seconds of radio ad

  • STEP 9

    Trials taken back to the drawing board after medication’s profitability remains inconclusive

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