SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.
After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?
THE HEAVENS—Saying the whole situation felt “super creepy,” God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Friday He was completely weirded out by Atlanta-area Christian Dale Evans, who has repeatedly professed his love for Him despite only attending church for a month.
WASHINGTON—Highlighting the benefits of brief, infrequent aerobic activity, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged Americans Friday to make sure to exercise once every few months during a frenzied moment of panic regarding their health.
LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods.
WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis and numerous rounds of human trials, the Food and Drug Administration officially announced Thursday the approval of a new pasta shape.
ASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month.
ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal.
BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit.
Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process
Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.
Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns.
NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.
BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs.
Just to clarify, the rest of the slideshow will be like this. You’re definitely going to get six more images of tremendously big, veiny penises here. The next photo is going to be a giant cock, followed by another huge dick, and then another, and so forth.
You guessed it: another huge cock. Look, you had to realize what you were signing up for when you clicked on this link, right? You had to.
No, we’re not going to throw in a photo of something that isn’t a giant cock in order to be clever or misleading. You are, honest to God, getting nothing but really big cocks here. That’s it.
Your persistence is admirable, if misguided given the way the rest of the slideshow will transpire. This is the cock of the guy who made this slideshow, by the way.
Okay, then. You’ve seen eight colossal cocks so far. Up for a ninth?
This is actually a drawing of a giant cock. A photo of a giant cock was used as a reference.
Well, there you go. You just clicked through a slideshow of giant cocks. That’s where your life is at right now. Enjoy your day.
