BRUSSELS—Hailing the effort as their most promising confectionary-extraction project to date, Godiva executives held a press conference Wednesday to announce that one of their deep-sea rigs had successfully tapped the world’s largest known offshore ganache deposit.
Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process
Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.
Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns.
NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.
BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs.
DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.
BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing.
PALMDALE, CA—In a career first for the 46-year-old star of the Bourne film franchise, actor Matt Damon appeared fully nude for a brief scene in the imagination of area man Phil Pressman, sources reported Monday.
PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.
With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency
