The Onion

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November 18, 2016

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Stealing Tampons From Office Bathroom Currently Woman’s Only Source Of Joy

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy. “Given the way everything’s been going lately, grabbing a handful of tampons and stuffing them into my bag has become the one thing I can really count on to lift my spirits,” said the 28-year-old billing specialist, who added that while the current sociopolitical climate makes it nearly impossible to feel optimistic about anything, purloining the feminine hygiene products every time she enters the office restroom remains a genuine pleasure and is reliably the highlight of her workday. “When I see that fully stocked basket sitting there on the countertop just ripe for the picking, it actually makes my day a bit better. I like knowing that I won’t have to pay for my own tampons and that I’m also taking advantage of my company’s resources. It’s really all I’ve got left to feel good about right now.” Curran added that she had no idea how the millions of women whose workplaces don’t provide free tampons were coping.

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November 18, 2016

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Today’s weather report

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November 18, 2016

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Incredible: Soldier Surprises His Family By Returning To Afghanistan During His Son’s Football Game

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November 18, 2016

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God Weirded Out By Christian Who Loves Him After Only Month In Church

THE HEAVENS—Saying the whole situation felt “super creepy,” God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Friday He was completely weirded out by Atlanta-area Christian Dale Evans, who has repeatedly professed his love for Him despite only attending church for a month. “He’s only gone to services for three or four Sundays now, and yet he’s already trying to talk to me every night and telling all his family and friends about how great I am—it’s kind of unsettling,” the Divine Creator told reporters, adding that Evans didn’t take any time to get to know Him before claiming that he wanted to be with God forever, a claim that the Lord Almighty said He found “pretty disturbing.” “I don’t mind a little admiration here and there, but this guy is really, really into me. The way this freak went from zero to 60 in the blink of an eye just makes my skin crawl. It’s kind of scary how obsessed he is with me.” At press time, God had reportedly decided to cut off all ties with Evans, acknowledging that He didn’t need another toxic relationship with a fucked-up Christian.

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November 18, 2016

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Surgeon General Recommends Exercising Once Every Several Months During Flash Of Panic About Health

WASHINGTON—Highlighting the benefits of brief, infrequent aerobic activity, U.S. surgeon general Vivek Murthy urged Americans Friday to make sure to exercise once every few months during a frenzied moment of panic regarding their health. “It’s important that citizens of all ages, genders, and backgrounds make the time every four to nine months to go for a quick jog or do 15 halfhearted push-ups in the midst of a frantic surge of concern about their physical fitness,” said Murthy, who explained that individuals need not possess a gym membership or their own exercise equipment to engage in twice-yearly anxiety-fueled attempts at working out, and could instead simply perform five to 20 minutes of various calisthenics in their own home during a short-lived fit of worry spurred by an increase in their weight or a feeling of general decline in their well-being. “Whether you see a troubling news report on the risks of heart disease or suddenly take note of the condition that one of your parents is in and figure that you’re on track to end up like them one day, the key is to just get out there and exert yourself on a bike, or a treadmill, or with a set of weights in those fleeting few minutes that you feel alarmed enough to try to stave off a potential health crisis. And for optimal results, we strongly recommend getting into a regular routine of repeating this process every half year or so.” The surgeon general also recommended that all Americans spend three and a half days on whatever the current fad diet is any time they find themselves feeling particularly guilty about the amount of fast food they’ve been consuming.

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November 17, 2016

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Breitbart Traffic Down As Readers Now Getting Bulk Of News Analysis From Graffiti Scrawled Across Neighborhood

LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods. “While Breitbart has long been a leading online destination for those on the far right, it is suddenly facing stiff competition from remarks spray-painted across communities nationwide, as many of the site’s regular readers begin looking to the sides of local homes, schools, and mosques for the news and opinions they seek,” said media analyst Meghan Trally, who noted that graffitied commentary across the country, including popular critiques like “Go Home Jews” and “Make America White Again,” appeared to be resonating strongly with the site’s readership, leading to the starkly lower engagement numbers seen on the site’s more recent opinion and editorial pieces. “Breitbart is at a serious disadvantage here. Frankly, the site just can’t compete with the accessibility and the reach that all these spray-painted social, political, and cultural comments have, particularly with their attention-grabbing wordings and their eye-catching use of accompanying smashed windows and crude swastikas. It’s unclear how, or even if, the site can win back its readers’ hearts.” At press time, Breitbart executives were holding meetings with their marketing department about ways to tap into the new platform.

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November 17, 2016

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National News Highlights

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November 17, 2016

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FDA Approves New Pasta Shape

WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis and numerous rounds of human trials, the Food and Drug Administration officially announced Thursday the approval of a new pasta shape. “After conducting multiple research studies, we have determined that tagallafoglio is as safe, effective, and flavorful as any other pasta shape on the market,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, adding that the tubular curl with scalloped edges passed tests for retaining both tomato and cream-based sauces, and was shown to possess a conveniently short boil time. “The ease with which it can be picked up with a fork and achieve an al dente texture were all in compliance with FDA standards. Furthermore, the pasta can be safely served hot as an entree or cold in a salad, and manufacturers have full approval to produce it without any restrictions regarding use of white flour, wheat flour, or a tricolor mix.” Ostroff cautioned, however, that the new pasta shape was at this time only approved for pairing with a light-bodied red wine.

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November 17, 2016

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Biden Forges President’s Signature On Executive Order To Make December Dokken History Month

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,” said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2 a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’ birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat. Every lick on Back For The Attack is like a shot of adrenaline right in the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.” According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he could practice his Donald Trump signature.

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November 17, 2016

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New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual

ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal. “According to our findings, citizens are never more engaged by scientific disciplines than when the moon does not look like it regularly does—for example, when it becomes big or bright,” read the report in part, which added that while the nation’s interest in science is typically fairly minimal and consistent when the moon is its usual size and color, as soon as these properties of the moon differ in a noticeable way, millions of Americans begin displaying a desire to learn and share scientific knowledge. “The moon is ordinarily white and relatively small, and science is not on most people’s minds. However, when the moon is no longer white and small, and instead happens to be large, reddish, temporarily darkened, or any combination of those things, people generally want to know more about the methodological study of natural phenomena. Of course, once the moon goes back to the way it normally looks, interest in how the universe works drops back to baseline levels.” The report went on to mention that major changes to the Earth appeared not to garner Americans’ interest at all.

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