The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Beauty And The Beast’ in this week’s Film Standard

BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing.

CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters following the successful eight-hour procedure Tuesday, neurosurgeons at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed they had removed a golf ball–sized tumor from the visual cortex of filmmaker Ken Burns, restoring the documentarian’s ability to see in full color.

ARIES: Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

ARIES: Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.

LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards.

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

ARIES: Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you’ll soon be labeled as NSFW.