The EDL’s Strictly Come Dancing Contestants!

The English Defence League (EDL) has been cringing with embarrassment since their disastrous ‘National Demo’ in London when only 50 turned up to be surrounded by plod for their own safety. Meanwhile, well over 1o,000 protested against Brexit and Austerity and supported Black Lives Matter. Accusations of far-right incompetence and the usual bitter vitriol has led to a ‘terrace coup’ in darkest Sheffield.

Edge demonstrates world speed masturbation technique!

Andrew Edge announced his new organisation United Patriotic Supporters (UPS) which ‘is looking pretty good and could be even gooder than the ‘proper’ EDL!’ He said that ‘all the tools are in place’ (they certainly are), that his ‘New venture will make a difference’ (by further fragmenting a shrinking far right) and that there will be ‘Big People’ involved (which we assume refers to John ‘I’ll meet you in Greggs’ Banks).

UPS has promised no police liaison and instead will be doing a series of flash dances in bleak northern towns that hardly anyone will see. Edge’s ‘shadow cabinet’ includes finance minister Liam ‘Pampers’ Jones of failed United Patriots (and nothing unites patriots like forming another splinter!) who The Edge calls Mr Pissypants in private. However, ‘Pampers’ is an experienced fund-raiser having raised cash for 2 PA systems, both of which are still ‘in the post from China.’ John Banks, who recently converted to Islam, will be Minister of Pies & Religious Affairs. Bankstain, along with Jenna Maroney, is a supporter of Tommy Robinson’s failed Pegida groupuscule that seems to have vanished of late. Billy Charlton, a pisspot fascist who gives incoherent speeches at demos, will take the Foreign Office portfolio.  The Edge says UPS will be more effective because they have no leader and even smaller numbers than either the ‘proper’ EDL, the scroats from Piss & Poo Squad, or the mainly incarcerated NW Imbeciles. 

The Edge will also be meeting ‘top barrister’ Rowley Birkin QC to ratify the mission statement which says: ‘No Forrins Aloud! No Gays Aloud unless they’re far away! and No Girls Aloud unless it’s that Cheryl with the nice tits!’ The Edge also says definitely no drinking until ‘after a demo when we can all get drunk.’ He has high hopes for his divisive splinter faction so maybe he can draw on his UPS network and find out when the 2 PA systems Pampers bought are due to arrive.