"I don't need to worry about this, because someone's worried about me"

This is the story of Zelma Broadfoot as told to Kidspot reporter, Donné Restom. Picture: Stocksy.

Cadence was a surprise baby, but not an unwelcome one. We weren’t trying, but we were very stable. We’d just finished building a house, it was kind of perfect timing really. That’s not to say the pregnancy was easy. I was nauseous up until about 32 weeks. Add that I  was still finishing my social work degree - volunteering full time - and I was really quite drained. Emotionally though, I was really happy. I couldn’t wait to have my baby.

I was about a week overdue when I went into labour. I’d done a hypnobirthing course in preparation and was looking forward to a  natural birth.

My labour was quite intense and though I stayed without pain relief all night, nothing was really happening. I got to about 8cm dilated and then stayed there for about 6 hours! We ended up having an emergency caesarean at about 1pm the next day after they noticed some meconium in my waters after they broke them.

I felt really scared. I couldn’t believe my beautiful hypnobirth was turning into this surgical nightmare! At the same time, I was relieved that we were going to get baby out safely. I just had to stay strong for just a little while longer.

But the birth was really intense. I was shaking a lot, they had trouble getting the epidural in and my hands were strapped to these boards beside me. When my baby came out they asked if I wanted to hold her and I looked at my strapped-down hands and said, “How?”.

Source: iStock.

Home at last

I’d felt fine when I was in hospital, but when I got home it got really difficult. We had lots of trouble feeding, I was in a lot of pain and she was quite an unsettled baby. She just cried so much and was really uncomfortable all the time.

Nothing seemed to be working the way I expected.

I started to get really anxious before breastfeeding because I was in so much pain. It was awful dreading feeding your own baby. I thought it was supposed to be something that came naturally, that i would enjoy it, but it was awful and painful and I felt guilty even thinking that.

Things quickly unraveled and soon I was going to the doctor twice a week to try work out what was wrong. Cadence would cry for hours on end. Day, night, nothing matters. We couldn’t get her to sleep at all really!

At five months we discovered my baby girl had a tongue-tie. Finally an explanation! But by that time I was already broken. My nipples were constantly cracked and in agony. We were exhausted, and my nerves were shot.

Am I depressed?

The visits to the doctor weren’t all about Cadence though. I first asked my doctor if I was clinically suffering depression when she was just 4 weeks old.

Initially, they waved it away. They said I was just adjusting to motherhood, but I couldn’t shake it.

Finally, I asked if I could do an Edinburgh Scale test. I scored really high and he finally got me a midwife to talk to, and then a psychologist.

Source: PANDA Australia.

In the darkness

Looking back, I just remember feeling really scared all the time. I thought everything I was doing was wrong. I felt that I shouldn’t be feeling depressed.

“I’m a mum now,” I would keep telling myself. “I need to be 100 percent well to care for my baby.”

I also had a lot of negative self-talk going on: “Other mums would know exactly how to calm their baby. I’m not cut out for this. This isn’t what I was put on this earth to do.” And then I felt guilty for thinking that.

The cycle went on and on, my internal monologue always telling me I was stupid, hopeless and pathetic. It was exhausting.

Now, it wasn’t just my baby that was draining me, it was my own thoughts. It was exhausting.

Rock Bottom

I was just absolutely miserable. I was crying every day, I couldn’t stop. I had a midwife that was helping me a bit at the time. I remember her saying, “You can’t let your baby see you cry because she’s not going to learn how to smile.”

It was so hard and awful. As a result, I started hiding how I was feeling because I felt a judged by her. I started even feeling like Cadence would be better off without me. That in itself was a really tough thing to think about.

When the thoughts of suicide crept in, I decided to phone PANDA.

The self-destructive thoughts were my sign that things had gone too far. This was not just hormones or new motherhood. This was something I had to change.

A light

PANDA were amazing. They called me every day for about a week and I realised that for the first time, someone was reaching out to me, rather than the other way around. Sometimes when you’re as low as I was, finding the internal resources to ask for help, over and over again, is just too much.

“I don’t need to worry about this because someone’s worried about me,” I reassured myself. It was so comforting to have that support.

PANDA gave me the kind of support my partner and my family just wren’t in a position to offer. They may have wanted to help, but they just didn’t have the understanding or resources,

PANDA helped me really set up my support systems, both internal and external, and by the time the availability of the Mother Baby Unit came up (we were on a waiting list for six months), I was past that. It really made me realise, “Wow, I’ve done so well. I’ve got through so much.”

Call the PANDA support line: 1300 726 306

Looking back

My life is so, so different now, but at the time it didn’t feel like it was ever going to change. I thought I would be crying all day forever, but I’m not.

Cadence is 18 months now. She’s still breastfeeding and is a happy bub. My partner and I feel really strong, because what we went through was so tough.

ANd while I beat myself up for ages thinking that my feeling depressed or upset about the birth or feeling I was failing at breastfeeding was a reflection on me as a mum, I know now it’s all pretty normal.

Mainly I feel it’s really important to speak up. Because if you don’t, it’s just going to get worse.

PANDA are asking supporters and individuals to organise a lunch or get together where people can talk Out Loud and have honest conversations about the joys and challenges of parenthood. Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique and different. Visit their site for more details.