Open any newspaper, switch on any television, or mistakenly catch One Nation's Malcolm Roberts saying literally anything to anyone and you'll discover that Australia is living in unstable, divided times.
And it doesn't really have to be so. Indeed, one of the entirely reasonable arguments against holding the marriage equality plebiscite has been that it forcibly politicises an issue about which some people feel very, very passionately and most people until fairly recently didn't especially care.
![That's the place. Needs more diprotodons, obviously, but otherwise pretty nice.](/web/20160926094834im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/n/f/5/s/0/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.grmunv.png/1474608130806.jpg)
And it turns out that the more you demand people to take a side about things that aren't really anything to do with them - anti-bullying programmes for LGBTIQ kids, marriage rights for Australian adults, renewable energy research and so on - the more you get people choosing a side and sticking to it, as though the question of "should Australia respect its human rights obligations?" is of similar factual and moral weight to questions like "Was Cold Chisel Australia's best live band?" or "which sport-squadron will claim victory in the upcoming ball-bout?"
Such subjects have become articles of faith for people on different points on the political spectrum, and those people are unlikely to be swayed, even if the evidence is overwhelming, because once a subject becomes a matter that defines your personality or membership of your social group, there's less of an incentive to question the matter at hand, and a heck of a lot of disincentive to actually change one's mind.
And, as the plebiscite conversation has already illustrated, things can rapidly get really stupid and unnecessarily ugly.
But in the spirit of bringing out the half-time oranges in Australia's culture wars, let's leave focus for a moment on the things upon which all Australians can agree. Such as…
1. Freedom is awesome
Compared to a whole lot of places, Australia has it remarkably good when it comes to freedom. In a lot of places saying negative things about the government will get you killed, or "disappeared", or jailed: here, you can go on national television and talk at length about how you're being denied freedom of speech without anyone coughing gently and handing you a dictionary open to the entry for "irony".
A lot of people could stand to be a bit more thoughtful about how expressing their freedom might affect others - there's a big difference between "expressing one's criticisms" and "deliberately being a jerk" - but y'know, snarky words are definitely preferable to setting things on fire, as a rule.
![The diprotodon was a rhino-sized wombat which weighed about 2.8 tonnes. Illustration: Peter Trusler](http://web.archive.org./web/20160926094834im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/p/w/7/f/p/image.imgtype.articleLeadwide.620x349.png/1474604285041.png)
The diprotodon was a rhino-sized wombat which weighed about 2.8 tonnes. Illustration: Peter Trusler
2. We could do with more diprotodons
Australian fauna is, let's be clear, the best fauna. We've got not one, but two species of monotremes in our wide, brown land - an impressive amount when compared to those of Papua New Guinea (who also have echidnas) and the rest of the world, who have none. But our now-extinct megafauna are arguably even more awesome, especially the mighty diprotodon - or, to put it another way, That Giant Wombat-Koala Hybrid The Size Of A Hatchback.
There are many reasons why Jurassic Park-style futures are horribly unrealistic, but can any Australian honestly lay their hand on their heart and claim that they don't yearn to one day see mighty herds of diprotodons gallumping through our proud pastures? No. No, they can not.
Make this a priority, CSIRO, and your funding would quadruple overnight.
3. We totally beat the rest of the world to civilisation!
DNA studies have confirmed that Indigenous Australians have had the planet's longest continuous culture, having struck out for the new lands of PNG and Australia more then 50,000 years ago, while other more timid communities were doing things like not weaving boats and striking out into the open ocean.
To put this achievement in perspective, that's a good 38,000 years before anyone else in the world started making permanent shelters, incidentally, at a time when human life was largely split into hunting for and running away from things.
That being said, diprotodons, of course, were herbivores that didn't run super fast, so it's not really a shock that they coincidentally seemed to suspiciously vanish about 50,000 years ago, suggesting that the Australian talent for quality environmental stewardship was already well in place from the very beginning.
But we can fix that mistake with some gumption, some elbow grease, and a theme park-based laboratory, right?
![Golden girl: Georgie Parker.](http://web.archive.org./web/20160926094834im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/l/j/q/u/8/image.imgtype.articleLeadwide.620x349.png/1474605783778.png)
Golden girl: Georgie Parker. Photo: Getty Images
4. Georgie Parker is a national treasure
She's not Australia's Sweetheart for nothing, you know.
5. Our national anthem is potent and stirring
No, not the drab, lumpen Advance Australia Fair - not least because the second verse's "for those who've come across the seas we've boundless plains to share" line is at best bitterly inaccurate and at worst downright seditious. Isn't that right, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton?
No, I speak of our nation's true anthem: John Farnham's inspirational Pressure Down.
Public support for the change is, appropriately, risin' like a storm since it's a song that speaks to everyone, from our innovative, agile technology and manufacturing sector ("set the wheels in motion, and watch them turning 'round"), our deep yearning for the wide open spaces of our rural heartland ("I've grown weary of this town"), and - of course - our collective passion for sweet, sweet synth solos.
Australians all, turn this up and dream of a united future of harmony, respect, freedom, and terrifying wombat-monsters - and, naturally, rejoice!
Andrew P Street's new book The Curious Story of Malcolm Turnbull: the Incredible Shrinking Man in the Top Hat is out next week through Allen & Unwin, and is available for pre-order through Booktopia.
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