“Mmmmm, much better.”

Trump Relaxes After Debate By Slipping Back Into Nice, Warm Personal Reality
NEW YORK—Sighing contentedly as the evening’s stresses melted away, Donald Trump reportedly kicked back and relaxed after the first presidential debate Monday night by slipping into his nice, warm personal reality, sources confirmed.
theonion.com
The Onion a partagé la publication de ClickHole.
1 h

Via ClickHole

ClickHole
1 h

These episodes of This American Life are incredible.

The 8 Best ‘This American Life’ Episodes Of All Time
In its nearly 20 years, ‘This American Life’ has regaled us with hundreds of hours of remarkable reporting, essays, and memoirs, led, of course, by Ira Glass’ one-in-a-million delivery. Here are the best episodes to date!
clickhole.com

"We also found that in nearly every instance, the outing begins with each of the friends happily singing along to the radio and declaring that it was going to be the best trip ever."

Report: 38% Of Road Trips End With Burying Friend In Shallow Grave In Desert
PHILADELPHIA—A report published Thursday by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania has determined that 38 percent of all road trips end with the traveling group of companions burying one of their members in a shallow grave in the desert.
theonion.com

From our in-house content studio, Onion Labs

Nothing better than a hot shower and a cold froyo.
Sponsored by Masterminds
theonion.com

"Verizon Wireless Amphitheater is the name I grew up with, and that’s what I’m alway going to call it. Period."

Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.
theonion.com

Palestine cannot believe some of the places the U.S. is willing to recognize as a state.

How Countries Around The World View The U.S.
The Onion breaks down how other nations view the U.S.
theonion.com

"Just the way he carried himself up there on the debate stage, Trump definitely came off very male."

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate
HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.
theonion.com

Tip: Minimize risk by transporting no more than $100 on 10,500 separate runs.

Tips For Safely Carrying Large Sums Of Cash
The Onion - America's Finest News Source
theonion.com

"I’ve been super busy with work and I was traveling the past two weekends, but that’s absolutely no excuse."

Friend Really Laying Into Self For Failing To Reply To Email Sooner
MONTCLAIR, NJ—Expressing deep regret for her “inexcusable” behavior, local 29-year-old Erin Griffith is said to have really laid into herself Monday for failing to reply to a friend’s email sooner.
theonion.com

"If we don’t do something soon to keep guns off the streets of those particular neighborhoods that I consider worthwhile, things could really spiral out of control."

Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About
CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a ...
theonion.com

This Week's Top Story:

Lester Holt Begins Debate By Reminding Audience These The Candidates They Chose
HEMPSTEAD, NY—After making brief introductory remarks and inviting both nominees to take the stage at Hofstra University Monday night, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump by reminding the audience that these were the candidate...
theonion.com

"Once our trial subjects had thoroughly and successfully addressed every situation in their lives that was bothering them, the improvements to mental well-being were almost immediate."

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety
SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.
theonion.com

Easy Redecorating Tips

Publié par The Onion
53 356 vues
53 K vues

"Clinical studies show that as hair gradually separates from the scalp, men experience intensifying waves of all-consuming pain."

Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth
LOS ANGELES—According to a study released Wednesday by the California Pain Medicine Center, subjects suffering from male- pattern baldness were found to experience a level of physical pain at least seven times more intense than that experienced by w...
theonion.com

Did You Know?

Publié par The Onion
20 867 vues
20 K vues

"Say one more thing about clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Diane, and I’ll gut you like a fish."

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
TOLLAND, CT—Responding with lightning-quick reflexes to her dinner guest’s proposal, area mother Linda McGregor reportedly grabbed a 10-inch chef’s knife Thursday night and held it up to the throat of family friend Diane Wallace following her offer to help with the dishes.
theonion.com

Via ClickHole

ClickHole
29 septembre, 08:55

The Ninja Turtles don’t really understand what church is, but they want to go very badly. Will you take them?

Do You Have What It Takes To Show The Ninja Turtles A Good Experience At Church?
If you took them to church, do you think you could show them a good experience?
clickhole.com

In today's news: Jim Harbaugh, Russian hackers, and an alien ambassador

Publié par The Onion
47 636 vues
47 K vues

From our in-house content studio, Onion Labs

The Onion a partagé un lien.
Hier, à 15:00
Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today
LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgmen...
theonion.com