ARIES: Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

ARIES: Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.

LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards.

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

ARIES: Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you’ll soon be labeled as NSFW.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant.

ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries.

WASHINGTON—Stating that the extremely traumatic nature of the event appeared to have left many respondents with unusually strong and vivid memories, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday revealing that most Americans can still recall exactly where they were when Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss at the Mines of Moria.