Dear Dr Justin.
I am a mother of 3 amazing kids. My first daughter is 15 years old, the second is 12 years old and the youngest is 7 years old. I love my kids very much. I am trying everything to be good mum for them. I have big problem with my first daughter. She having sex with her boyfriend. I am really sad, and shocked to hear that. I am really falling apart over this. I am thinking I am not a good mother now. I really need your help. She does not listen to me. She’s really stubborn. I still have another kids. I have to protect them. Please help me.
Sincerely,
Ike
Dr Justin responds:
Each Australian state has a different law regarding consent, but on average, they all state that a person cannot consent to engage in sex before the age of 16, and even then, there are legal issues to consider. There are a number of reasons for this.
Scientists have found that the younger a person is when they begin a sexual relationship, the greater the risk of depression and other psychological issues – particularly for girls, and specifically when sex starts under the age of 16 years.
With that in mind, it is rare that charges are ever laid against teens who are in such a relationship. It is even rarer to see children respond positively and with gratitude when their parents pressure them or force them to let go of such a relationship. (At least, not in the short term.)
What can you do?
Your daughter needs to trust you. If she can trust you, then eventually you may find the opportunity to have some influence over her again. Unfortunately, the harder you try to control her, the less she’ll feel that she can trust you, so we need to change the way you’re approaching her.
First, build your relationship. Spend time together without an agenda, and without giving her heaps about how you feel about her decisions.
Second, after you feel the relationship is strengthening, wait until you are both in a position where you feel calm and relaxed, and ask permission to talk about a tough topic together.
Third, once you have permission, make sure your daughter feels and knows of your love for her, and ask her to explain how things are going with her boyfriend. Work really hard to imagine how things are for her.
Fourth, once she feels completely understood by you, ask if you can share your feelings. Briefly explain what you are worried about, and make it clear that you are not telling her what to do. But clearly explain what you would prefer and why. The reasons are important.
Fifth, ask if the two of you can come up with solutions together that will work for each of you and for the rest of the family. Make sure that one of the things you problem-solve is protecting her younger siblings. And if dad is around, he should be a part of this process too.
The challenge of serious conversations
These conversations are challenging, and sometimes they don’t go quite as planned. But the alternative is that you can shout, create division, coerce, and rupture relationships with a forceful, authoritarian approach.
You may, or may not, be successful in changing your daughter’s decisions about sex. It is unlikely that you will. If that is the case, the most important thing you can do is provide support for her when things come undone, which is highly likely at this age. And use her pain or disappointment as an opportunity to show love, concern, and support.
