Kids say the darndest things, but so do mothers. The language of motherhood is an elegant mix of evasive obfuscation (“maybe”, “we’ll see”) and passive aggressive pearlers (“Don’t worry, the maid will get that”).
Here are some of my favourite motherisms helpfully decoded for your edification:
1. Don’t worry, the maid will get that.
Pick up your stuff, you lazy slobs. There ain’t no Mrs Hughes in this Abbey.
2. Whose shoes are these?
WTF is with all the shoes under the coffee table? It’s not a shoe cupboard.
3. Are you joking?
I cannot believe I have to wipe up another spilled drink. Am I being punked?
4. Because I said so.
I can’t be bothered with proper parenting at this minute, so I’m going to throw my weight around and pull rank instead.
5. Can we talk about this later?
We will never talk about this later. I’m hoping you’ll forget. If you bring it up again, I will again suggest we talk about it later. This is something I just don’t want to get into, ever.
6. We’ll see.
Never going to happen.
7. Maybe.
As above
8. Where did you hear that?
That’s an offensively stupid/racist thing to say, therefore you must have got it from someone who does not live in this house. Please reveal your source so I may ban that person from the premises indefinitely.
9. Where did you hear that word?
What potty-mouthed trailer trash have you been hanging around with?
10. Uh huh. Mm hmm. Yes, I know.
I’m not listening to you. Seriously, how long can you talk without drawing breath? You’ve been yammering on for 10 minutes without breathing. You should take up the didgeridoo, you’d be a natural.
11. Ask your father.
I can’t help you with penis-related issues. Please refer all further inquiries to the person with the penis.
12. That’s funny, you don’t have a temperature.
Get out of bed and go to school, you big old faker.
13. Have you got any homework?
Turn off the television, you unmotivated Gen Z slug.
14. Are you SURE you don’t have any homework?
The sight of you staring at that computer screen is freaking me out and making me think you are going to amount to nothing and it will be all my fault.
15. That’s an interesting outfit.
WTF are you wearing?
16. Is that shirt … clean?
You picked that up off the floor, didn’t you?
17. You’ve got something on your face.
Stand by for the thumb and spittle manoeuvre.
18. I’m not interested in who started it.
I stopped listening at, “But he …”
19. Wherever you left it. (In response to, “Where’s my … ?”)
I’m not going to help you find whatever you’re looking for. Have a woman’s look.
20. Bedtime!
I’m totally over this whole mothering thing and I have no more to give you today. Go away for eight hours so I can love you again.
