WHEN your husband or boyfriend is a jealous controller and you threaten to leave him you have officially entered one of the most dangerous times in your life.
Just last week it happened to obstetrician Angela Jay, but many other women have not been so lucky.
In the wake of Ms Jay’s miraculous escape from Lambert, who broke into her house, soaked her bedroom in petrol and waited for her with cable ties and a knife, domestic violence experts have warned of the “danger time” for women.
Ms Jay had ended her brief romance with her Tinder date, the outwardly charming but deeply troubled Paul Michael Lambert.
Rejected, Lambert lay in wait until she arrived and pounced on her, stabbing her 11 times before the petite 28-year-old fled through the house and police later shot Lambert dead.
For dozens of other women, like dancers Lisa Harnum, 30, and Nikita Chawla, 23, and 26-year-old Leila Alavi there was no escape path.
Simon Gittany (left) murdered girlfriend Lisa Harnum (right) when she tried to escape his obsessive controlling behaviour. Picture: Channel 7.Source:Supplied
Parminder Singh fell into a violent rage when his wife wanted to leave him. Picture: News Corp.Source:News Corp Australia
Nikita Chawla was murdered with a meat cleaver when she wanted to leave her husband.Source:Supplied
Leila Alavi pictured on her wedding day with Mokhtar Hosseiniamraei who later murdered her with a pair of scissors.Source:Supplied
Just days after Ms Chawla told her husband she wanted to leave him in January last year, Parminder Singh hacked her to death with a meat cleaver in their Melbourne home.
Two weeks after that, Mokhtar Hosseiniamraei stabbed his wife Leila Alavi 56 times with a pair of scissors.
Hosseiniamerei attacked the apprentice hairdresser in the carpark beneath the Sydney salon where she worked because “she did not obey the rule of marriage”.
Ms Alavi had moved out of the marital home and taken an apprehended violence order against him, but had been turned away from dozens of refuges in the months since.
Lisa Harnum had been planning her escape from boyfriend Simon Gittany when she plunged to her death in 2011.
Gittany had displayed all the behavioural patterns psychologists say are typical of violent obsessive men.
“One of the key signs you might be in a dangerous relationship is if the person you are going out with wants to control who you see, what you wear, what you say,” said Elspeth McInnes, University of South Australia education co-ordinator and National Council of Single Mothers and their Children convener.
Dr Angela Jay is loaded into an ambulance after Paul Lambert ambushed her with petrol and a knife at her home in Port Macquarie last week. Picture: Nathan Edwards.Source:News Corp Australia
Lambert had a history of violence and stalking women.Source:Supplied
Angela Jay escaped with her life from psychopathic spurned lover Paul Lambert.Source:Facebook
Gittany told Ms Harnum not to gaze in the direction of other men, not to see her friends when she was overseas, to refrain from wearing high heels, revealing clothing, or wearing her hair out.
Gittany also monitored her text messages through a computer program and instructed her not to confess her sins to a priest.
“Please don’t let any guy talk to you ... your eyes should only gaze on me, the one,” read a text Mr Gittany sent Ms Harnum in 2010, the year before she died.
“Who the f*** do you think you are walking around the house like you own it or coming and going without my permission?” he wrote in another text.
In the weeks before her death, Ms Harnum prepared her escape, leaving a bag of clothes with her counsellor.
But Gittany became aware of the secret plan, and surveillance cameras inside their 15th floor apartment in the luxury “The Hyde” building in Sydney charted her every move.
On the morning of July 30, 2011, Ms Harnum packed a suitcase and made a desperate attempt to dash out of the apartment.
Charles Mihayo (above) killed his daughters Indiana and Savannah when he feared he had lost custody. Picture: Nicole GarmstonSource:News Corp Australia
Mihayo dressed up Indiannah, 3, and Savannah, 4, and filmed them dancing to the music from “Frozen” then smothered them with a pillowSource:Supplied
Psycho in a suit0:58
Tinder maniac Paul Lambert's alter ego
Gittany grabbed her, put his hand across her mouth to muffle her screams and dragged her by the head back inside.
Sixty-nine seconds later, her body hit the footpath below and Ms Harnum lay dead.
Gittany is serving 18 years for murder. Mokhtar Hosseiniamraei was sentenced to more than 15 years for killing Leila Alavi and Nikita Chawla’s husband received 22 years’ prison.
Dr Elspeth McInnes, University of South Australia education co-ordinator and National Council of Single Mothers and their Children convener, described six distinct phases of a controlling relationship.
“Danger and punishment” was the final phase, which happened at the time of separation and for the first 12 months afterwards.
“Although the stalking an harassment can go on for years afterwards,” said Moo Baulch, the CEO of Domestic Violence NSW.
“We know some women who are still being harassed for decades afterwards,” she said.
“He may have gone to prison and come out and is sending messages saying ‘I’ve got an eye on you’.
Simon Gittany, (above) arriving at his trial in 2013 girlfriend Rachelle Louise, was convicted of murdering Lisa Harnum by throwing her off his balcony. Picture: News Corp.Source:Supplied
The torn note found in the jeans pocket of Lisa Harnum after she died.Source:Supplied
“The safety plan for the woman and her children may have to be tweaked over years, like getting rid of kitchen knives, having a quick exit plan from the property and a bag of things packed to get away.”
Protracted abuse was the case of Kevin Smith, who raped his wife, choked her with an electrical cord, tried to shoot her, tied her up and attacked her with a cattle prod over decades.
Dr McInnes said warning signs could emerge during the first, “charm phase” of a controlling relationship.
Woman could be flattered by a man’s initial intense focus on her and interpret it as love.
“In the early days of a relationship, their need to know just where their new girl is at every hour of the day can seem like a sign of affection,” she said.
“We mistake controlling behaviour for romantic behaviour.”
One controller whose charm slipped when women got to know him was Chris Dawson.
Dawson, whose wife disappeared and her presumed death became the subject of a NSW coroner’s inquest, was a handsome football star and part-time model, but behind closed doors he was a violent control freak with a frightening temper.
He moved a 16-year-old schoolgirl into his house before his wife Lynnette disappeared.
When the girl became his second wife, she learnt he was a cruel and abusive man, who would tell her what to wear, who to see and when to go out.
Chris Dawson on his wedding day with Lynette Dawson, whose body has never been found.Source:News Corp Australia
Rosie Batty (yellow jacket) attends her son Luke’s funeral. Picture: Photo David Caird. Luke Batty funeral service at Flinders Christian Community College Chapel. Mother Rosie follows the coffin after the service.Source:News Corp Australia
Robert Farquharson (above) killed his three young sons by driving into a lake.Source:Supplied
The order of service for schoolboy Luke Batty. Picture: Jake Nowakowski.Source:News Corp Australia
In phase two of a controlling relationship, the obsession begins, with multiple text messages and phone calls.
Next, the controller begins to isolate the woman from her family and friends to destroy her support network.
He blames her for spending too much time with friends and she begins to think “I must not try to upset him”.
As Simon Gittany did with Lisa Harnum, the man then begins to denigrate her, telling her she is “dressing like a slut”, and suspecting her of being with other men.
In the penultimate phase, the man is in total control and the woman is cowed, belittled and submissive.
If she tries one last attempt to regain her life, by seeking counselling and making plans to leave him, she has entered the danger time.
“She’s trying to take back control, but if he ‘can’t have her, nobody can’,” Dr McInnes said.
“He is bound to escalate his behaviour to take back control from her.
“If pets are left behind, they may be tortured or killed,” she said.
“Hurting the pet hurts her, so she is punished.
“If there are children of the partnership, there will be opportunities to hurt her.
“The child becomes the subject of control.
Jai, 10, Bailey, 2, and Tyler Farquharson, 7, drowned when the car driven by their father plunged into a dam.Source:Supplied
“Or there may be the rage that went a ‘little too far’, the killing of the children. The ‘you’ll be sorry’.”
This was the case with Melbourne father Robert Farquharson, who killed his children in an act of revenge against his estranged wife Cindy Gambino.
On the evening of September 4, 2005, as Farquharson was returning after a Father’s Day access visit, he drove his three young sons, aged ten, seven and two into a dam near the Victorian town of Winchelsea.
In 2014, estranged father Charles Mihayo dressed up his daughters Savannah, 4, and Indiannah, 3, and filmed them dancing to the music from “Frozen” and smothered them with a pillow.
Mihayo received 31 years’ prison and Farquharson a life sentence.
The same year, the estranged and deranged father of Victorian schoolboy Luke Batty carried out his threat to kill
Dr McInnes said a characteristic of violent controlling men was also threats of suicide.
Paul Lambert threatened to throw himself in front of a train if Dr Angela Jay didn’t resume their romance.
He had also made threats of self-harm to his former wife and another woman, US broadcaster Brittany Ann Keil.
Kevin Smith was jailed for 17 years for decades of abuse against his wife whom he raped, choked with an electrical cord, tried to shoot, tied up and attacked with a cattle prod. Picture: News Corp.Source:News Corp Australia
“Suicide is a really common threat among men who cause violence because it is one way of preventing her from leaving,” Dr McInnes said.
“They are saying ‘if you leave I will kill myself and it will be your fault’.
“In this case what a woman should do is call the police or a doctor, because that is the best person to deal with it.”
Dr McInnes said women in violent relationships needed help from domestic violence centres to make a safe exit plan.
Victoria’s Domestic Violence Resource Centre CEO, Emily Maguire said that one in three Australian woman experienced physical violence and one in four harassment or sexual or emotional abuse from an intimate partner.
She said that Australia had a historical culture of gender inequality, which was changing but had a long way to go.
Another target of violent stalker Paul Lambert was US TV broadcaster, Brittany Keil (above).Source:Supplied
Violence towards women flourished in “male peer cultures that emphasise aggression and disrespect towards women and where the way you are a man is to be strong and talk about how many women you have slept with ... unhealthy masculinity.
Tarang Chawla, whose sister Nikita was murdered by her husband last year, said that Australian men needed to be educated from exercising “power, control and dominance” over women.
“Sexist attitudes are what underpins sexual violence, assault and murder,” he said.
Just in the last week six Australian woman had been killed in domestic violence incidents, making a total of 66 so far this year.
“Countries with higher rates of gender equality have lower rates of violence against women,” he said.
But attitudes were slowly changing, helped by personal moving stories presented by the families of victims, such as Rosie Batty.
Relationships Australia’s “Safe from Violence” guide said that women who felt too scared to leave their partners because they and their children were at most risk of harm should know that:
* Planning ahead is an important component of leaving safely.
* It takes a lot of courage to leave a partner who is violent.
* Maintain and widen the circle of supports you may have around you: family, friends and workmates.
* A women’s refuge or shelter offers safe secure shelter, from a couple of days up to a few months.
candace.sutton@news.com.au
Lifeline: 11 13 14
National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line: 1800Respect 1800 737 732