The Depp dogs saga - how it unfolded.
Pistol, Boo and their owners caused a stir in Australia and around the world. Now the spectacle is over so let's look back at just what happened. Courtesy ABC News 24.
PT1M54S 620 349I woke up yesterday morning to discover my car had been broken into and Johnny Depp was in town. I make no allegations and draw no conclusions about this.
I do note, however, that my car has sat unmolested in the driveway for over a year, never once having drawn the attention of ruffians or ne'er-do-wells.
I further note that Mr Depp, who sometimes prefers to go by the alias Cap'n Jack Sparrow, is well known as a pirate, and furthermore it is well known that pirates are exactly the sort of reprobate one might expect to find rustling through the cup holder of one's automobile with a view to trousering the loose change.
Johnny Depp, possibly being chased by Barnaby Joyce, might not be guilty of stuff.
The fact the loose change was not actually taken is very suspicious. Mr Depp is a wealthy man and would not need the dollar thirty-seven in small coins I had left in the cup holder to cover any emergencies.
Indeed, not much was taken from my car, even though it was very obviously broken into, with the doors left ajar, the glove box opened and emptied, and my unrivalled collection of old chocolate bar wrappers and non-deductible tax receipts missing.
I deduce that the thieves – and I stress I make no allegations or insinuations of any kind as to their identity – that the thieves simply crammed everything into one discarded plastic shopping bag to effect their escape and inspect their loot later.
I know there was more than one thief because both the driver and passenger-side doors were open. I also note, for no particular reason that Mr Depp did not arrive alone in this country. He travelled in league with his long time accomplice Ms Heard.
Two prominent bad eggs.
Two car doors ajar this morning.
No! No, I do not mean to imply anything about this remarkable concurrence of events or the one hundred percent correlation between instances of Mr Depp and Ms Heard arriving in the local area yesterday and my car being broken into at the same time.
I have spoken to the police about the mysterious fact that nothing other than a lot of old rubbish was taken, but they seemed remarkably uninterested in the crime or some very obvious leads they might have followed that would have lead them to the Southport Magistrates Court.
For example, I had one CD in the back of the glove box. A collection of independently produced hiphop tracks from emerging Logan MCs. It was not stolen.
And here is a fascinating coincidence; extensive Google searches have failed to reveal even one occasion when Mr Depp expressed any interest in taking or even borrowing a collection of independently produced Aussie hip hop tracks from emerging Logan MCs.
For that matter, Ms Heard, who is better known in Queensland legal circles as 'the accused', has likewise never once mentioned an interest in Logan's independent hip hop scene.
A competent detective might make something of this unusual correlation of facts, but I will not hold my breath. It seems Queensland's finest are all busy taking selfies with the accused and her collaborator.
_____
It is not all gloom and thievery in my world though. I still have my collection of independently produced hip hop tracks from emerging Logan MCs. It's out the front, in the car. The doors are unlocked. There is no alarm system.
I also have a new book out. The latest in the Weapons of Choice/Axis of Time universe – Stalin's Hammer: Cairo. It's free for just one week at www.jbismymasternow.com
Unless Johnny Depp gets it first.
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