goldmourn

big as a bear



i.
you held your hand out over
the city sidewalk snowbank
to help me into the taxi van

i'm paranoid enough to think
they send that one for me
due to weight I gained since

we moved back to my hometown.

ii.
you know i hate it here and
you know i'm trying to change
the way i feel about this place

just as i hate myself eating
my feelings as though regret
were an all i can eat buffet

(eventually i'll get this down)

iii.
if the best that i can do is say,
"I will take long walks come Spring!"
and wipe the dust off of my bicycle

do visualization exercises count
toward fitness goals and can we
make it through this cold winter

believing this mess will melt away?

iv.
i am a bear
that should be sleeping
not stumbling around

this bitter season.


- adp, 07 February 2014 @ 5:30pm

Thursday, February 6th, 2014.
11:09pm The alarm on my phone went off at 11pm and I didn't know what for and then I remembered, "I HAVE TO WRITE MY 750 WORDS!" I was distracted by the photos I had taken this evening at the Art Centre Poetry Night event. Yes, I actually went! My husband went with me so hooray, we went somewhere and did something! And it was poetry related! And in St. Thomas, no less!

I was very anxious, agitated and nervous prior to going there. I'm almost at my highest weight ever (certainly my highest in the past decade or so) and I never go anywhere and this was going to be a poetry reading and I haven't been to any of those since I lived in Toronto and oh yeah, I have this thing called agoraphobia, so yes, I was definitely freaking out. But this was so very important to me, as I mentioned in a previous entry, because I know how rare a thing this is - what a special event it is to have prize winning poets come to my hometown and share their works. I kicked into annoying excited and overly excited to be there but that was because of the poetry (POETRY!) and part of this anxiety thing. The outgoing agoraphobic, that's me. Anyway! I went! That's one box I can check off on my February goals list!

365 Days (2014): Day 37

I bought these tonight at the Poetry Night event here in St. Thomas. Poetry books by Jacob Scheier, Julie Berry, Karen Solie and Ken Babstock!

And I have books! Lots of poetry books! Well, I already had lots of poetry books, but now I have more! I bought at least one book by each poet, if not two. And all of these poets were gracious enough to write in one of their books - yay for autographs! And I just took a peek at each of the notes they left for me with their name and they were all so kind and poetic and and and and and! Can I just type 750 excited ands? It was such a pleasure to meet each and every one of them and to hear their poems, read by them, each in their own way. The walls were covered in a delightfully colourful and intriguing exhibition by Paul Cvetich called 'Good Love' - gorgeous pieces of such imagination and playfulness all around us, the white walls the perfect backdrop. It's a lovely space, the St. Thomas-Elgin Public Art Centre. Oh, I do hope they do this again!

In the meantime, my hope is that perhaps St. Thomas may start up a poetry reading group of it's own. I talked excitedly about this with a lovely stranger shortly after arriving and maybe something will come of it? My number and email is out there with a couple of people and perhaps they'll be in contact. It would be fantastic to do so, even if but once a month or so. A couple of suggestions were made, such as inquiring at Midtown Tavern or Coffee Culture - two viable options, you'd think. Poets get thirsty, too. Oh, how awesome that would be. Yes, I know there is a thriving poetry community (both poetry readings and poetry slam) in nearby London, Ontario but there are those of us who can't get out of St. Thomas or maybe we just would really like to see there be poetry in this town, too. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'd love to see people come out who appreciate poetry but don't write it, to those who write it but feel like they're all alone in this town, to just anyone who has a passion for poetry or would love to be around those who do.

Attending tonight's event made me see that I'm not the only one. There are more of us. And surely many more than the modest number who were at this event. So many people wouldn't have heard of it or aren't familiar with the experience of a poetry reading. It'd be great to open up the world of poetry to people in this sad city. I believe that was probably what the organizers of this event were trying to do but it'd be wonderful to see that extended beyond this one night. Although this one night will carry me quite aways personally so far as poetry goes, what with the interactions and books I was able to take home with me.

One of the poets will be getting out of this town in April, leaving it and on to somewhere else, but he shared a few poems about St. Thomas and although he hasn't been here that long, he managed to capture exactly what I was feeling precisely and you can tell he's had his eyes open to his surroundings during his time here. He gave me his email address to contact him about a free writing class or workshop that he teaches. I definitely should follow up on that, eh?

This is the quickest I've typed in awhile and I did it in a shorter amount of time than I usually do!
POETRY IS EXCITING, WOOO!

On to sorting the photos I took this evening and I'm done for the night. I'm not used to patting myself on the back but I did a good job tonight. Even if I was an over-enthusiastic rambling fool, I showed up!




related: Poetry Night at the Art Centre Presents Rare Opportunity

Wednesday, February 5th, 2014.
9:33pm I'm watching a documentary about the Alberta Oil Sands.

Today I was on the phone a few times with the nurse assigned to my case from w.s.i.b. and I let her know when I would be starting the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (next week!) and I also told her of my concern about what would happen if I can't complete it the first time around due to the bleeding issue. I have no control over when it will happen and I could go for several months without going through what I did recently in November to January (the time before that I think was back in June and July) but again, I don't know. Going into this therapy with this issue unresolved means that if I miss two consecutive weeks of group, I'd be out of it and have to go on the waiting list for the next available group opening down the line. I wondered what would happen in regards to the extra support I am receiving from w.s.i.b. if that were to happen. The nurse got back to me pretty quickly after speaking with my case manager and this is what would happen: if I am out of the group for another health reason, they would reduce my pay HOWEVER they would reinstate it once I was back in the group again. This is good to know because I'd hate to lose the help due to something beyond my control. It's a relief to know what would happen, worst case scenario. I can manage even if they reduce my pay since the secondary impairment entitlement was won after I fought all those years for it. This means I receive compensation for my initial injury and the psychiatric conditions that were caused and aggravated because of it. If they cut me, I will still bleed but I'll be ok. I can contribute to the household in a meaningful way.

If my bi-weekly pay arrives in time for me to cash it tomorrow, I will be going to Poetry Night at the Art Centre tomorrow night. I'm feeling very nervous about going but I want to be there because I love poetry and I want to support the event in my community. It's such a rare thing for something like this to happen that I would be a hypocrite if I didn't go, for all the complaining I do about this crappy town. When I know of an event like this and I have the ability to go, I must make myself get out there. It's so easy to see what is lacking in this city, all that has gone wrong, the decline - but when there is an opportunity to witness the good, to support the people who are trying to improve this small town in whatever way it is - whether through arts or otherwise - I want to be there. Eventually, I would like to be part of what is good about this city. For now, it is in small donations but I would like to add my presence and participation. I guess what I'm trying to do is try and figure out what my place is here, now that I'm back here in my hometown. It's all too easy to feel sorry for myself that I don't live in The Beach/es of Toronto anymore - that I don't get to walk down the street to the lovely Lake Ontario or to walk up to Queen Street and take the streetcar downtown - but reality is that is not my life at this time. Going to therapy group is the first step in getting me out of the apartment. Hey, at least D.B.T. teaches radical acceptance! If I can re-learn how to just accept where I am, that may go a long way in helping me adjust to living here again.

10:20pm I haven't taken a photo of the day yet, mostly because I haven't bathed and I really ought to do that first. Oh - I hear the door. It's my partner. He says he had to walk on the street most of the distance except for the section where a kind person had used their snowplow for a good section of the block near their house.

10:59pm Today's self portrait is of this month's calendar of appointments. As you can see, therapy starts next week and then it's every week after that, consistently, and it will go on like that for six months. The poetry event is tomorrow night and I'm hoping that my pay arrives tomorrow and that I get myself over to the bank with it or else I may not be going. I really don't want to use the credit card for cab fare. I wanted to have some cash on me, ya know? But fingers crossed that I am going, especially since I wrote all that stuff a couple paragraphs ago about it.

365 Days (2014): Day 36

pocket planner: February - the month when I have to start going outside regularly.

11:10pm Even though it's a later night than I wanted it to be (AGAIN) at least I finished my 750 words for the day (hooray!) and I haven't missed a day yet in the 365 Days self portrait project so far this year. I'm going to drink my chamomile tea, take my meds and settle in with J. to watch the latest episode of 'Supernatural' - one of my favourite t.v. series. Thanks for reading if you're here at the end of this post! <3

To The Last Drop: Canada's Dirty Oil Sands - Part 1 [Link]


To The Last Drop: Canada's Dirty Oil Sands - Part 2 [Link]


related: Athabasca Oil Sands
-> Petropolis - Aerial Perspectives on the Alberta Tar Sands (condensed)
-> Keystone XL's Northern Leg: A Fracked Oil Pipeline Along with Tar Sands

Tuesday, February 4th, 2014.
10:49pm WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? Tonight I have about an hour before my deadline to get my 750 words goal finished. Admittedly, today was a difficult day to stay awake. I slept late. I went back to bed a few times and slept some more (all deep dives into dreams, nightmares and intricate stories in sleep) and it was all I could do not to go back to bed even after I'd been up for a bit. I feel wiped out. Is it an emotional thing or what? I was fine for a few days but now I'm just exhausted. I have to change this around - and quick - therapy begins next week and I want to be up early and alert for it. For the longest time I had been getting up very early in the morning and going to bed ridiculously early at night. I need to find my way back to that schedule again, or at least something closer to it. But I love the night. I love how much quieter it is. I like the darkness. I like how things slow down, from the sounds outside to the noise we make ourselves in this apartment. The night time is more calm for me than morning. Except for those really early mornings where I was awake, before the sunrise.

11:00pm It's exactly eleven o'clock and that means I have an hour to get this done. Less than.



Where did my mind go today? I can't even remember. The dreams were swiped away by the time I'd get out of the washroom. I wish I was writing my dreams down but I'm out of practice. Writing can be a chore. I had to make myself sit down at the dining room table to write my response page to my partner's note today in our "passion pages" paper journal. I'm amazed that we're still doing it. It's a good thing. A really good thing. It asks for time, effort and attention - like a relationship.

11:10pm Just over 300 words typed.

I wish I had search term results for my LiveJournal like I do for my Flickr. I go through the phrases that led people to my photostream and wonder how people find my blog, what they're looking for and what they find. That's where other blogging platforms come in handy as even some of the most basic of them have those stats but alas, I can't seem to let go of my LJ.

Noticed how I simultaneously push the past away and let it pull me in. I dwell on things or my mind wanders to people and places I knew before and I could get stuck there for who knows how long. But then when it comes to something like thinking about the recent trip to Italy and all the things I saw there, that I saw these places with my very own eyes and walked all over the place - up a mountain in Brunate and through the very narrow streets of Venice - but no, I don't think of it much, except when I say out loud to my partner, "We went to Italy! Remember how we went to Italy?" and that's about as far as it goes. It's like I'm putting more distance between myself and the likely once in a lifetime adventure of Italy just as I seem to be recently trying to forget the life I had in Toronto. I'm pushing away bits and parts that could make me feel happy and being pulled in by the feelings and moments that make me feel sad. That's not what healthy people are supposed to do, is it? And sure, I know that living in the present and being in the moment is the goal (because what else is there but what is behind you or what is right now?) but dammit if it isn't difficult. More so when I am still trying to accept where I am now and how things are and what I'm doing (or not doing) that is making my life what it is in the present, in this moment, right now.

365 Days (2014): Day 35

Oh wow! I'm almost at 700 words with that ramble. One word after the other gets it done.

I received my T4 slip from w.s.i.b. that states my income for the year. I have everything I need to file my taxes - income, rent receipt, donation receipts - but I have to wait for my husband to get his slips. Although we'll be filing our taxes separately (neither one of us earns so little to be claimed as a dependent spouse, yay!) we still have to do it at the same time because my information and income has to be stated on his tax return and vice versa. I want to get it done but I'll have to be patient and wait for him. The other day I got myself organized again like I used to be with my tax files (I have all of mine going back to my first year of working in 1995) and I had the donation receipts all printed off (the ones that weren't sent to me through regular mail) and I put paper clips on everything to make it easier and it's all in a folder - just makes things so much better, ya know? I thought that w.s.i.b. would send me more than one statement since much of the income is a huge chunk of back pay they owed me and paid after I won the appeals claim. But it's on one slip only and it makes me look like I earn more money than I actually do. Next year will be terribly disappointing in comparison, no doubt.

I've surpassed my daily word count goal by a couple hundred words. Less than 15 minutes to go before midnight.