The friend-to-friend phone-chat got off to an excellent start. The friend rang me up, I said, "Hello?" He said, "Hey Danny, it's me." I said, "Heyyyy, great to hear from you!" – it had the kind of effortless easygoing hello-ing that's the envy of the phone-chatting community.
Then I did something clever: I said, "So, what's up widya!" – always a great chat-prompter, and the "widya" added a casual street-groove that people find irresistible.
The friend responded to the prompt perfectly: he told me he was stuck at home with his two-year-old daughter and he just wanted a grown-up conversation because the only words he'd used all day were "NO", "STOP" and "DON'T DO THAT, IT HURTS DADDY'S EYE".
It was a quality quip, so I gave a hearty chuckle, then fired back a quip-rebounder: "Well I'd be happy to have a grown-up conversation, but I can't guarantee anything haw haw!"
Not hilarious, admittedly, but it deserved a feigned giggle, even a forced titter. Instead he yelled "NO!" and I said "What?" and he yelled "STOP!" and I said "OK, calm down" and he yelled 'DON'T DO THAT", then I heard footsteps, scuffling, crying. I went "Hello? ... hello? ..."
About a minute later he was back on the phone: he explained that his daughter was licking a power point so he had to run over and stop her, which was fair enough I suppose, but still, a bit rude. "Sorry," he said. "So where were we?"
The friend-to-friend phone-chat was starting to lose its lustre. My confidence was shaken. I said: "You sure this is a good time to talk?" and the friend said, "Definitely! I'm desperate for some proper conversation! How about current events? What do you think about the US elections?"
OK, this was promising: he was inviting me to give some well-informed big-issue commentary, so I plunged straight in; "Well it's pretty scary, isn't it? I mean, Trump is like the antiChrist and if he wins the election it could be the End-of-Days! It could be Armageddon!"
It was insightful political analysis and it deserved an enthusiastic bravo – but instead I heard footsteps, scuffling, laughing. I went "Hello ... hello? ..."
About a minute later he was back: "Sorry, didn't catch any of that. She was doing a funny dance in her nappy then she fell over and landed on her big nappy bum. It was so cute! So ... what were you saying about the antiChrist?"
The friend-to-friend phone-chat was in freefall, it was doomed. I needed to bail out with an Emergency Call-Exit – either a "Someone's at the door, gotta go" or an urgent "Can't talk, rectal prolapse!" Which to choose, which to choose?
But I took too long to decide: the friend said, "Hang on a sec, Danny, just need to pop into the kitchen and warm up some milk for Milky Milky Time! But I know a little princess who'd love to chat while I'm gone!"
He handed the phone to the kid and now the friend-to-friend phone-chat turned into an adult-to-little-princess phone-travesty. I said "Hello", the kid said nothing. Tried a "Heyyyyyy", the kid was not interested. Attempted a kooky "Hiyaaaaaa", no reply, just a wet gumming noise because the kid was holding the phone upside down, chewing on it like a rusk.
A microwave dinged in the distance, the friend yelled "Milky Milky Time!", the phone got dropped, there were footsteps ... then I sat and listened to the kid and her dad have Milky Milky Time in the kitchen because they'd forgotten I was there.
"Hello? ... hello? ..."
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