Satire. Welcome to the Queensland University of Triggology, where you will find a plethora of challenging courses that will prepare you for a (very) lucrative career in the dynamic field of contemporary Human Rights. Courses include:
Triggonometry: The study of this intrigging branch of mathematics goes back to ancient times, and relies on three specific points in order to calculate the difference between a typically funny cartoon and an outrageous example of extreme racial hatred. Greek astronomers discovered that if you have a fixed lunar leftie (often referred to as an obtuse angle) you can measure the distance from reality to insanity based solely upon the skin colour of the complainant as well as the ethnicity of the cartoonist or university student being complained about.
Triggle-down economics: This purely theoretical branch of economics is widely used to characterise those economic policies that favour extreme wealth, power and outlandish privilege at the expense of the everyday taxpayer. For example, if you run a $21 million government-mandated quango, or star chamber, answerable to nobody but yourself, you can afford to pay its top executives vast sums of money that far exceed anything that you, or they, could ever hope to earn in the so-called "real" world.
Psychiatrigg studies: Mental health experts today recognise that extreme psychological trauma can be "triggered" simply by an innocent individual being investigated by an out-of-control government quango fixated with its own ideological mission to uncover rampant "racism" and punish people for the imaginary crimes of "causing offence" and being "insulting". In this three-year (minimum) course, students get to explore first-hand the overwhelming sense of injustice that this process creates, with experts admitting that many victims will suffer extreme feelings of persecution and paranoia, not to mention severe poverty, as they are hounded by a sinister star chamber for months, or even years, on end. Once they have completed their diploma, students will have learned that even when innocent they are guilty.
TrigAdvisor: For those who love to travel, first-class preferably, this is the ideal course for you to take so you can land a really cushy job that requires no specific skill-set. TrigAdvisor is one of the original social media platforms that relies solely on user-generated content, so after you complete this course you'll be an expert in encouraging people to generate content on your behalf. For example, why not put up a cartoon on the TrigAdvisor Facebook page and ask Aboriginal Australians if they find it offensive? You're bound to generate at least one comment that you can then rely on to further your own career. But be warned: some TrigAdvisor comments are completely fictitious, particularly the negative ones, which people make simply to denigrate those they don't particularly like.
Trigger warnings: In this exciting new branch of contemporary linguistic studies, you learn what words, ideas and thoughts are so outrageous that they require trigger warnings to prevent people from being offended or insulted by them. During the course, students will be encouraged to avoid certain ideas altogether, which we do by not allowing them to be exposed to them in the first place. The following are a random selection of typical words or ideas that students learn they must detest unequivocally if they wish to succeed in the brave new world of modern "progressive" academe: free, speech, Bill, Leak, cartoon, John, Stuart, Mill, conservative, Tony, Abbott, Donald, Trump, Brexit, Israel, settlements, Cory, Bernardi (full list of trigger warning words no longer available as they have all been deleted from our university mainframe).
Sub-triggiting: In this exciting journalism course, you learn to report a hugely embarrassing interview and transcribe it word for word exactly as it happened.
Trigglycerides: There are many different types of dangerous fatty acids, but this course focuses on those which synthesise to form a noxious component within the bloodstream known by the latin term "sanctimonio pompositus" or "Commissioner's disease". Once they make their way into the brain, these trigglycerides can block up normal pathways to free expression and rational thought, resulting in severe ideological seizures and fantasies of self-importance.
Trigg and field: This university prides itself on its athletic prowess, no more so than when it comes to the races. In this popular extra-curricular activity, students are encouraged to "identify" as being of one particular race and their opponent must "identify" as being of a different race. Competitors then run around in circles pretending to be "offended" or "insulted" by something someone on the other team said, did, or even drew, and financial compensation is immediately demanded. It is then up to the opposing player to "prove" that what they said is "genuine", "in good faith", "fair comment" and "not racist". Winners can get up to $250,000. Losers go straight to hell.
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