This is the reason women should never give up their jobs

AS THE photos began popping into my Facebook feed at the weekend of The Today Show team celebrating their ratings victory, I had a single thought.

Karl Stefanovic’s wife is going to crack it.

There was Karl in his hoody and trackies whooping it up in front of everyone — arms outstretched, his fingers in a victory “V”.

And so he should take pride in his success — no problem there. He’s a talented broadcaster and pivotal in the network’s change of fortunes.

But instantly I thought of Cassandra Thorburn, doubtless at home with the couple’s three kids. For her there would be no champagne, no herograms from the boss, no celebrations for a job well done.

Sure enough, Thorburn, who recently split from Stefanovic, has taken to Facebook to claim her role in her husband’s success. “Apparently Today Show finally won a year,” she said. “This took a huge toll on my family and I, and I’m congratulating myself today for all the effort that went into making that (the ratings) happen.”

She went on: “The suggestions, the story ideas, the constant counselling of questions for years. I’m giving myself a pat on the back tonight, as I know many people will also know how much effort I put into it.”

In that single outpouring is the reason why women should never give up their jobs.

I know, I know, some women want to stay at home and look after the kids and sometimes it’s the only way couples where one has a high-powered role can make it work.

But if you’re a woman in the 21st century, if you’ve gone to school and possibly university, and you’ve had a career before you married then for the love of your own self-worth hang on to your paid work in any way you can.

I wish Thorburn hadn’t posted her comments — a marriage breakup is hard enough on everyone, especially kids, without it becoming public fodder. But I can imagine how it feels to support your husband, to hold everything together at home, to accommodate the unpredictability of breaking news which means your partner constantly going away at a moment’s notice.

Where’s my champagne? She’d be thinking. Where’s my plaudits for all those times I went to ballet concerts and soccer matches and school prize givings because he wasn’t here? Where’s my prize for all the time they were sick, all the school notes that needing filling in, all the birthdays where Daddy was away so I had to do double the loving?

Stefanovic and Thorburn are a case study on why women have to hold on to their (paid) jobs.

Why? Because marriages are more fragile than ever, because women need to retain their financial agency (and build their superannuation), because it’s bloody hard to retain love, support and mutual respect when one person is paid for their efforts and the other isn’t.

Yes, it can work but so often under the surface there’s rumblings and resentment.

I’ve heard one working husband tell his stay-at-home wife that she spends too much of “his” money and I’ve heard of another forbidding his wife from upgrading the family car because “it’s his money, and so his decision”.

Likewise, I know women who withhold sex because they’re so angry with their husband having all the financial authority in the family. It’s their way of regaining control.

For women, the answer to the dilemma is twofold:

1. Marry the right person — ie. someone who’s prepared to value your work as highly as his.

2. Have the conversations about work long before you consider having kids.

Women working is not a women’s issue, it’s a family issue and should be addressed as such.

Yes, many women (and many men) do want to be at home raising their children but to let your career slide completely is foolhardy. It is entirely possible to be a great parent and retain a working life — what it requires is planning, compromise, workplace flexibility and a commitment from both individuals that their work and home lives have equal value.

Each will have periods of leaning in, just as each will have periods of leaning out.

How idealistic, I hear you thinking. Yes it is but it’s also an ideal worth fighting for.

Stefanovic’s colleagues Lisa Wilkinson and Georgie Gardner have shown how it can work. Both have seemingly stable marriages and husbands who work. When Wilkinson started at The Today Show, her husband Peter Fitzsimons was doing breakfast radio at 2UE but he gave it up so his wife could “lean in” to her career.

As he said: “I discovered that a family can cope with having two parents out of bed at 3.30am, but it cannot flourish. And we as a family, no fault of my kids, we weren’t flourishing, we were coping.”

Likewise Gardner. When she was on The Today Show she had every Monday off. I remember her telling me that one day off made everything work. She made up the hours by reading the news on Friday and Saturday evenings. Clearly her husband covered at home.

Stefanovic has said that his wife earned double what he earned when they first met. He jokingly called her his “sugar mumma”. He’s also spoken of his gratitude that she stopped her career to support his. They’re both good people and they clearly wanted the best for their family.

But if they’d made different calls — if she’d insisted on keeping her job part-time, if he’d negotiated a contract that gave him longer holidays out of ratings periods or Fridays off — then maybe they’d have maintained the mutual respect that’s so essential to a partnership.

Maybe there could’ve been “his years” and “her years” — times when each worked hard while the other did more at home. Sure, he may have earned more but money is not harmony. It’s only one element in a happy life.

The final reason to keep working is because it gets you through. Yes, raising kids is important but so is the esteem garnered from being paid for what you do.

What’s more, when a marriage does end, your job can be a panacea to the awfulness of your own heart breaking.

Originally published as Karl’s wife is a lesson to us all