With Scrotox, men give wrinkly scrotums the sack
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Men who have spent their lives feeling ashamed of their saggy sperm satchel no longer need to suffer, writes Ben Pobjie. With Scrotox, we can finally give wrinkly scrotums the sack.
The printing press. The refrigerator. Those stickers you put on your door telling salespeople not to knock.
Human history has seen many inventions that come along and change everything, innovations that you can instantly recognise as something that is going to make life better for everyone.
And it looks like it's happened again, with the news that a new procedure called Scrotox is becoming increasingly popular with men who wish for a smoother, more youthful-looking scrotum.
GQ magazine reported this week that British blokes are paying as much as $5,000 for Scrotox, while men in the USA and Australia are having their ball sacks smoothed in increasing numbers.
You can see how we of the masculine persuasion view the arrival of Scrotox as a godsend.
We've spent our whole lives dreaming of a sleek, aerodynamic scrotum, but never believing such a thing was truly possible.
Now, for a "reasonable" fee, we actually have the chance to turn our Shar Peis into Great Danes, and put an end to years of embarrassment and humiliation.
What a vast difference it will make. No more teasing. No more jeering onlookers. No more young women screaming and fainting and making sardonic references to Benjamin Button.
What exactly is Scrotox?
Scrotox is a simple procedure involving the injection of Botox — everyone's favourite neurotoxic protein — into the muscle under the skin of the scrotum in order to reduce wrinkling and increase its appearance of size.
According to Dr Jeremy Hunt from the Australian Society of Plastic Surgeons, this gives the scrotum "the effect of looking smoother, larger and often will cause the scrotum to hang lower".
"With 60 being the new 50 or 70 the new 60, these kind of procedures are requested by males who feels [sic] vital and youthful on the inside but may look a little more well worn on the outside," Dr Hunt told GQ.
It looks like all those centuries of medical research have finally paid off.
It's a relief that Botox, until now mainly used for frivolous cosmetic purposes, is at last being put to work for the actual benefit of humanity.
Of course, I recognise that some people — people who might loosely be called "women" — probably won't instantly realise what a big deal this is. So, let me paint you a picture.
Say you're a man. Say you go out on a Saturday night like any normal healthy young person, and as luck would have it, you manage to make a favourable impression on a young lady, so much so that she agrees to accompany you to a mutually-agreeable second location, where you initiate the timeless and sacred ritual of fluid exchange.
Proceedings have reached a crucial juncture, when all of a sudden, she bursts out laughing.
"I thought I'd be having fun with some attractive genitals," she giggles, "not a poorly-made bust of Keith Richards."
It's every man's worst nightmare. And that's the best-case scenario: if things are really bad she'll take one look at your testicles and just start vomiting.
And who can blame her? The scrotum is the most hideous naturally-occurring phenomenon known to science. It was specifically designed by our Creator to ensure that men never feel completely confident. And it just gets worse with age.
In fact, the scrotum is a kind of anatomical Picture of Dorian Gray: the more living you do, the worse it looks. And we don't even have the option of keeping it hidden in the attic.
It's time to tackle scrotum shaming
It is the shame that is the worst part of lugging around a creased gonad-purse.
Society has become more sensitive to those who are shamed for their sexuality, their weight or their income, but we remain sadly unenlightened when it comes to scrotum-shaming.
Every day, all over the globe, men are being made to feel unattractive and worthless because of their saggy baggy sperm-satchel.
How many times have you seen a proud man reduced to a quivering wreck, bawling his eyes out because some heartless soul looked between his legs and wondered who does his ironing?
How many men have you known whose lives were destroyed by relentless cries of "who left the tomatoes out in the sun?" Zero? That just proves how blind people can be to the worst injustices of the world — we are being subjected to this constantly.
Those of us whose nethers are more crinkle-cut than steak-fries put a brave face on it. But what good is a brave face when it's three feet above a dangling naked mole rat foetus?
There comes a time when a man can take no more, and decides that rather than struggle on in the face of society's cruelty, will simply stop showing his scrotum to people.
It's a drastic step and not one we take lightly, but eventually self-care must take priority.
Let's give wrinkly scrotums the sack
I can't tell you what a relief it will be, when I go in for my Scrotox and come out with a new sense of pride in my reproductive paraphernalia.
I had thought I would forever have to hide my scrotum away from judgmental eyes, never feeling free to bring my rumpled dice-shaker out into the light.
But now, thanks to the miracle of science and the tireless efforts of the medical fraternity to advance the state of humanity, I shall be able to display my newly-tightened gamete-pouch to all who express an interest, or even to the more reputable variety of women's magazine, without fear of a calamitous collapse in self-esteem.
I urge all my fellow males who feel they could stand to be a bit smoother below the Plimsoll line to contact their local plastic surgeon and book themselves in for a quick Scrotoxing.
Like the saying goes: "Better to have botulism in your testes than to remind your sexual partner of evil alien Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon".
Truer now than ever, but there's no longer any need to suffer. Let's all get to the doctor: together, we can give wrinkly scrotums the sack.
Topics: men, mens-health, sexual-health, offbeat, comedy-humour, australia
