Q. We've been trying for a baby for a few years. Dealing with fertility treatment and having had a miscarriage recently is hard enough without everyone constantly asking us when we're going to have a baby.
Do you have any advice on how to deal with insensitive questions/comments? I'm worried I'll just start sucker punching people so they know how I feel every time I'm asked.
A. Why does everyone assume that as soon as we are paired off or reach a certain age we're going to start squeezing out babies left, right and centre? First of all, that's unhygienic. Secondly, why is it anyone's business but ours?
It's generally believed that all women yearn to be mothers. Some do. But guess what? Some don't. For some it's a calling and a focus, for others it's not something they ever really considered and they get love and satisfaction from other areas of their lives. There are no rules that say you must breed but society and commerce is geared towards it, so it's hard to escape.
That choice is so private and personal. But something along the way has turned making babies into a public free-for all. Not only do you have to deal with unwanted opinions and judgement about when to start a family, you get to hear what you are doing 'wrong' if you are not pregnant – 'just relax!' ... aaargh!
If you are fortunate enough to get pregnant you soon find your body isn't your own. There is so much unsolicited bump rubbing. Random hands appearing stroking your belly like it's going to help them win lotto. Get out of my space, creep!
And then there are the questions like you are experiencing now. I think a lot of it stems from social awkwardness, filling the gaps in a conversation with what they think they should ask. They don't even know how much their seemingly innocent question stings, and it's certainly worse if they are rubbing their already pregnancy belly as they ask.
At the risk of sounding educated, Jean Paul Sartre said "Hell is other people" (OK, I googled it). I like it as it stands as a statement. Maybe that makes me a hermit. I'm not. But if I were constantly being quizzed on the contents of my womb, I might start to become one.
It can be very frustrating and upsetting to have to try to explain to someone you barely know where you are at on your baby-making journey. It's no-one's business except yours. (And it's interesting that this is something only women have to deal with - you never hear of a guy being asked about where he's deposited his sperm lately and if it's been successful in its journey up the Fallopian tubes. That's unheard of.)
And if you've already gone through the heartbreak of a miscarriage, you'll want a protective wall around you, I understand that.
While I personally believe in emotional transparency because of the good it can bring, you can't deny there is a time and a place to share what you are going through. It's also exhausting to tell everyone you encounter where you're at.
A few years ago I wrote a book called I'm Not Fat, I'm Pregnant. I'm sorry this is going to sound like total self-promotion, but in the book – page 67 to be exact – I list some things to say to people who won't leave your fertility status alone. They are meant to be humorous but I think they ring true, and let the other person know to shut up with their prying questions.
Query: "Are you pregnant yet?"
Possible responses:
"Latest research suggests only stupid people can get pregnant ..."
"I'm allergic to sperm."
"It's funny you should ask, I just this morning ordered one online so hopefully it'll be here next week."
I know they are silly but I hope they help, if even to make you smile. I truly wish you all the best on your path to parenthood.
Sunday Star Times
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