Actress and blogger Mayim Bialik has warmed the internet’s heart with this ‘inspiring’ video, describing how she and her ex husband put their children first.
In it, she says that she and her ex-husband Michael Stone – dad to her two kids aged 7 and 10 - are careful never to bad mouth each other. They spend holidays together, go to synagogue together and even stay in touch with each other’s extended families. After all, she reasons, the kids only get to be kids once.
We all know that amicable divorces are the best thing for kids. It’s not rocket science. But what many divorced or separated parent also know is that it takes two people to participate in a positive post-divorce relationship. Unless both parties are willing to be reasonable, unselfish and compassionate, Mayim’s situation is a fantasy.
And fact is, a hell of a lot of people get divorced because one person simply isn’t reasonable, unselfish or compassionate in the first place.
Helpful or smug?
I understand that Mayim’s shared her post because she wants it to be inspirational – a benchmark for other parents to try to emulate. But it’s pretty clear she’s having a good old self-congratulatory brag too. And for mothers or fathers who aren’t able to have that sort of positive relationship with their ex, that’s pretty deflating.
Single parents are wracked with constant guilt that subjecting their kids to divorce or separation is damaging them. That they’ll grow up displaced or unhappy or unable to form happy relationships. That they’ll fall behind in school and suffer poor mental health outcomes. They overcompensate for their over-busy-ness while they try to be mum and dad and support a household then flagellate themselves that they’re sacrificing time with their little ones and making things even worse.
One remedy to these terrible outcomes for children, the Family Court reminds the defeated, crushed adults who come through its doors, is to maintain a strong, supportive relationship with the children’s other parent. But this is the one area that a single parent usually can’t control. They themselves may have the best intentions – to be cooperative and caring, to share special days like birthdays and even welcome new partners into the jumbled-up but full of love extended family.
A futile and miserable hope if the other won’t play ball. It takes two people to put the ‘co’ in ‘co-parenting’.
So Mayim, it’s great that you’re one of the few lucky ones who is able to maintain a strong relationship with their ex. I have no doubt that your children will benefit immensely. But other single parents know all of what you’re telling them already. So they’ll just add your story to the guilt heap.
