Russell Westbrook

Russell Westbrook could be the hardest-trying player in the league. When he dunks, he doesn't just plop the ball through the hoop like a wimp. He rockets the ball with enough force that if somebody was standing underneath it and got hit in the head, they would probably die. His whamjams regularly appear in my monthly dunkilations. Even his uncontested fast break slams are awesome. The only knock on his dunking resume is, like fellow high-flier Zach LaVine, he rarely posterizes people. That's a problem with most guard-sized dunkers though. They're just not tall enough to reliably poke it on bigger dudes. That's fine. The rarity of posters from Westbrook just makes it more rad when he does actually jump over a guy and rub his scrote on the guy's nips while jamming. But Westbrook is not simply a forceful dunker; he is a forceful rebounder, a forceful steal-attempter, a forceful shot-taker, and a forceful passer. This results in him getting a lot of forceful triple-doubles. Forcefully. In what ways does this relentless forcefulness effect Westbrook's daily life? Eating cereal: Westbrook will usually pour himself a bowl of cereal and then funnel it into his mouth beer-bong style. Note: does not work with Cookie Crisp. Dressing himself: Westbrook will run into his closet without turning on the lights, grab a shirt from the shirt section, a pants from the pants section, and a cardigan/sweater from the cardigan/sweater section, then run back into his bedroom and put on whatever combination he managed to choose. This is called "fashion". His hats are chosen from the closet with the lights on because the hat is the most important part. Driving: Westbrook routinely exceeds the speed limit, sometimes by as much as ten miles per hour. He also only slows down a little bit in school zones. Sexual intercourse: This is a family-friendly channel. Jeez. Watching TV: If something happens in one of his favorite shows that Westbrook doesn't like, he'll wait until the episode ends to see if the damage ever gets undone, and if it doesn't, he puts his TV in the bathtub and drowns it. Then he goes on fanfiction.net and posts a revised script of the episode where things happen like he imagined they would. Practice: Westbrook plays as hard in practice as he does in games because how else are you going to develop good habits? In case you missed it, we talking 'bout practice. Not a game. Not a game. Murdering Patrick Beverley: Westbrook has the plans all made. I can't post them here but you know it will be forceful. Physics equations: I would make a joke about "force" here but I don't remember anything from my Physics class in high school. Sorry Mr. Wagner. You were cool. Westbrook probably can't even read anyway so the chances of him solving a physics equation are minimal. It was a bad idea for a joke anyway. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. All clips property of the NBA. No copyright infringement is intended.

• published: 15 May 2016
• views: 64359