I apologise in advance if your name is Steve. Sorry Steve, you didn’t make the cut. Not even close.
Jack, you’re out too mate, it just wouldn’t work between us.
And Tanya? You’ve got to be kidding!
I’m not sure how you plan(ned) to decide on the names of your kids, but, if you have any tips for new players to the game, then feel free to share because it is a far more complex process than one may think.
Of greatest hindrance, I am finding, is the increasing multitude of names that are landing themselves on the ‘do not resuscitate’ list, not through any fault of themselves, but largely at the hands of the people wearing them.
(Please don’t take offence if your name is Steve, Jack or Tanya, it’s not personal. I’m sure you do your name proud and are a credit to all Jacks, Steves and Tanyas worldwide, however I have my reasons as to why I don’t want my newly pregnant friend naming their forthcoming child after you).
Allow me to explain.
There are certain names that you should not name a child under any circumstance. These names must be completely severed from your potential list as quickly as they are identified, and preferably in the following order:
1. Names of exes
Firstly, the obvious names to be eliminated from making their way onto the hallowed certificate of birth, are those owned by any ex.
I shouldn’t need to go into the details of why these are necessary exclusions, but what I will say, is that in today’s culture, where courting is out and dating is done en mass, this already culls the list severely.
Unless your partner previously had a bizarre habit of only dating guys called Darren, the combined total of already uninhabitable names that you both bring to the table could number well into the thirties.
Furthermore, most of these names are probably very sensible ones such as Ben, Claire, Scott or Rudiger, meaning that your options are already wearing thin.
2. Celebrity names
Next to go is, of course, names belonging to any outlandish celebrity. It reflects badly on both you and your kid, so cross Justin, Lindsay, Harry, Miley and Kanye off your list.
3. Names of dictators
Notorious villains and dictators surely don’t get a mention either, so remove Adolf, Joseph, Genghis and Donald.
4. Names of your friends’ children
Now that you’ve made it this far, it stands as common decency to not give your offspring the same name as your friends named theirs.
Believe me when I say, you will soon hate your mates for having their kids first and for claiming Charlotte, Toby and Emily before you had the chance, but decency overrules here.
5. Names of your mates
While we’re on the subject of your mates, unless you want your child to spend the rest of its life hearing about how they were named after ‘Good ol’ Johnno’, do not give any of your friends’ names to your baby.
6. Your own name
Right, so now that you’ve put a line through Nicole, Liam, Shelley and Tim, it’s time to do the smart thing and take your own name off the list.
Yes, calling your son ‘Junior’ may seem like a clever idea to you at the time, but to everyone else you just look like a couple of prats.
By now we’re really scraping the barrel, but for me it gets worse still.
7. Names of your students (if you’re a teacher)
In a previous job, I was a school teacher, meaning I still have another 20 or so names that immediately bring back memories of disruptions, disturbances and detentions – not things I want to associate with my friend’s new child.
In the end, you find yourself choosing between Habakkuk and Pedro for boys, and Agatha or Rosemary for a girl, which is not a situation you had ever imagined back when you were naming your first dog ‘Peanut’.
PS. Do NOT call your kid ‘Peanut’!
- Damien Johnson is a writer, urban sketch artist, and musician based in Toowoomba. Find him on Facebook or Instagram: @damienjohnsonart @damienjohnsonmusic
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