How can the nation make Peter Dutton feel happy again?
He seems so sad - how can we improve things? Aside from finding him a job at which he's competent, obviously.
It's easy to accuse politicians of being out of touch, but if there's one thing that the current government ministry is magnificently sympathetic towards, it's the pain and suffering endured by people (in the current government ministry).
Attorney-General George Brandis reminded us of the poor bigots being cruelly made to feel bad for expressing their assumed bigot-rights. Treasurer Scott Morrison gave a stirring speech in support of those facing "persecution" – or, more accurately, "criticism" – for courageously insisting their own beliefs outweigh other people's civil right to wed.
He also got very sad about this photo, so definitely don't circulate it around.Credit:Alex Ellinghausen
And now brave, steadfast Peter Dutton, Minister for Immigration and Border Control, has valiantly stood up for the people most wrongly mistreated by Australia's shameful offshore detention. And they are him.
"I'm not going to be defamed by The Guardian and by the ABC because we are doing everything within our power to provide support to people," he said on Thursday, when a journalist impertinently asked whether the reports in those – and other – media outlets were correct. "There are many cheap seats in this debate but for those of us who have to make tough decisions about saving lives at sea ... these are the tough decisions we make each day." You tell us, Pete!
And it's fair enough that Pete's feeling put upon, because he's literally done nothing wrong ever.
Why, his tenure has been a litany of triumphs ever since he stepped down from the health portfolio, where he won the honour of being voted Worst Health Minister in 35 Years by Australian Doctor Magazine, during which time he presided over the completely bungled plan to introduce a $7 co-pay for seeing GPs.
That's where he truly shone, launching the bungled Operation Fortitude in Melbourne last August, in which officials were going to demand to see people's visas until a snap demonstration against this Stasi-style plan sent Border Force scuttling away with hurt feelings.
He also oversaw the $55 million project to resettle six refugees in Cambodia, four of whom have left and at least one of which is sick and homeless in Phnom Penh since a) the Cambodian government provided nothing they promised and b) they then reneged on the deal but kept the money. Nice work, Duttles!
And then there's been offshore detention, where Pete's tenure has coincided with self-immolations on Nauru, a $10 million riot on Christmas Island, and the closure of Manus Island which completely took the government by surprise despite it having been acknowledged as a legal inevitability since 2013.
And then there's his many avoidable missteps, such as not realising that his incredibly insensitive joke about rising sea levels might be picked up by the mics and cameras being very obviously set up around him at the time, accidentally sending a text about journalist Sam Maiden to journalist Sam Maiden in which he described her as a "mad f---ing witch" and, perhaps most charming of all, claiming that refugees will simultaneously take Australian jobs and also loaf about on welfare in May.
After that elegant success, the Coalition appear to have decided that maybe he should go sit in the quiet corner for the rest of the election campaign. So absent was he from view even within his own electorate that Vice sent reporter Lee Zachariah to the seat of Dickson just to make sure he was OK.
And Pete showed the same quick-thinking, silver-tongued mastery of the media yesterday, when ABC radio's Michael Brissenden asked Dutton some fairly straightforward questions about the fate of refugees currently on Manus Island and the veracity of leaked reports about (even more) horrendous sexual abuse, self harm and physical violence inflicted on refugees on Nauru.
Now, Dutton could have explained that the reports were nothing new and were being investigated, and answered the still-opaque question of what's happening to the 800-plus men held on Manus Island since many can neither be returned to their home country nor forcibly resettled in Papua New Guinea.
Instead he went for "The ABC reporting on The Guardian's reports who report on the ABC's reports do not help people in these centres." Zing!
Brissenden attempted to get things back on track several times, gently explaining that "I'm just asking you if the reports are true or not," which Dutton was in no mood to discuss. To be fair, though, how could he possibly have anticipated being asked questions about his responsibilities as an elected public official? Damn this gotcha journalism!
And this is why this column is calling for a public awareness campaign to expose the suffering of Peter Dutton.
Show your solidarity with our offshore detention schemes by putting your unwanted human beings out the front of your house, and get some hashtags trending to raise awareness of how hard Peter Dutton has it. #pray4duffer and #putoutyourhumans are a good start, but surely you can do better.
After all, the question of what Australia does regarding people seeking asylum from war and persecution is a difficult and complicated one that requires great diplomacy, skill, wisdom and compassion. In the meantime, though, it's Pete's gig.