The NERVE! Or as Anna would say, the VERVE!

I'm posting this chat between me and my friend Moana. Parts of it may be a bit controversial what with talk about body issues, Michael "the molester" Jackson, and Tongan Trannys. But it all gave me a humongous laugh when I read it again. I swear Oprah and Gayle could only dream of having chats like this.

This post also runs the risk of not being funny to you, the reader, because:

a. You may believe Michael Jackson is innocent of all 65,378,923 million allegations of child molestation brought against him.
b. Small town life and humor simply bores you.
c. Questioning the sexual orientation of former head coaches of high school football state champions is just NOT FUNNY. NOT ONE BIT!
d. It's only funny to me. because I'm sitting here at my computer with an ear infection looking out my window at the blue sky over a colonial institute or as I call it, "soon to be Liberty University" wishing I were at the beach. Albeit, the beach that has questionable sewage issues and yeah, the same beach that probably produced the bacteria that caused my said ear infection, but hey, if I do anything well right now, its living in denial.
or
e. none of the above. It's just not funny. I might add that if your instinct leads you to guess this one, then no need to read on. I'm a firm believer in following your gut. This belief was then solidified yesterday when I decided to actually ignore my gut right to the refrigerator where I consumed massive amounts of coconut chicken curry. Believe me, I paid dearly for it last night. Hell knows no fury but that of a stomach scorned. Amen.

P.S. Moana, if you want me to take this post down, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK TO LAIE AND MAKE ME!!
P.P.S. If you're keeping track, there are significant time lapses between some phrases. Those are where I edited the content. Yeah, it's my censor and I'll blog if I want to! Errr . . . wait, I meant the other way around. Nonetheless, name that tune.

UPDATE: Since the comment by Moana, all sizes and weights have been changed to protect the innocent.me: um . . . time for another post, girlfriend.

how are you?

i'm sweaty from exercising and about to jump in the shower

1:29 PM MOANA: I'm missing Laie very much!

How are you??

1:30 PM me: good. laie is perrrrrfect beach weather these days. can't wait till the ear infection gets better

MOANA: You know what I think I have an ear infection right now!

me: ewwww! hate that!

MOANA: Weather is horrid...HOT HOT HOT!!

me: girl, get to the doc soon

oh yeah, we

1:31 PM MOANA: I am

me: we'll be there end of july

1:32 PM me: and then go to utah and come back to vegas for a couple of days

let me know if there's anything yo u want from here

MOANA: the only thing I want is the beach!

and you of course

me: i know. it's really beautiful right now, mo

yeah right me!

whatevers

MOANA: i hate you

1:33 PM me: hahaha!! you know you LOVE me

don't be a hater

be a lover not a fighter

MOANA: I do! you're my bff...and I am a hater

a big hater!! a big FAT hater!! haha

me: omg, i don't know why but i've downloaded old michael jackson tunes and love walking to them!!

he's such a molester

1:34 PM but i'm trying not to think about that while i listen to PYT

and you're not fat

MOANA: a molester with great music, i listened to him a little on my walk this morning

me: you got skinny when you were here

MOANA: far from SKINNY girlfriend I went from massive to just plain huge

me: wait, HOW CAN YOU WALK IN VEGAS?

1:35 PM MOANA: at 7am before it gets too hot

me: hahaha! be quiet about massive and huge

i swear you're like a size 0 right now, yes?

that's so awesome

MOANA: no honey, the super tight skinny jeans were a 2!!

me: before 7 am is still like 90 degrees, right?

1:36 PM but you fit size 0 right?

1 size smaller than me

MOANA: luckily it was overcast this am so it was tolerable

me: lovely

MOANA: barely fit a 0, i fit a 0 for like 10 seconds.

1:37 PM me: YOU are two sizes smaller then ME! i'm size 2

but my XXS was a tiny bit loose on me yesterday

so that'

MOANA: I currently own many things that are a size 2 ...to quote Michael the molester....YOU ARE NOT ALONE....

me: that's something, right?

HAHAHAHA!!

1:38 PM MOANA: xxs is loose....awesome!!

me: tiny bit loose

tiny tiny bit

MOANA: every little bit helps

1:39 PM me: ok, i'm still laughing out loud at what you just said

quoting mj

1:40 PM MOANA: I know he's gross and a freak but I still love him...what can I say I'm a 80's lovin girl! I

me: me too

MOANA: I'm even 80 oz. overweight haha

me: he's so gross and yet, i just downloaded like 10 of his old songs

MOANA: hahaha ..... what a groupie

me: hahahhaha!!

stop making me laugh! i'm spitting out my water!

1:41 PM MOANA: I can just see you all sweaty and crying at one of his concerts like those crazy european fans!!

Don't stop til you get enuf girl!!

me: totally. wanna make something of it???? wanna be startin' somethin'????

hahahhahahaha!

1:42 PM hey, you're the one retrieving mj hits like they're your second language!

MOANA: tru dat

1:43 PM me: girl, but i do love me some old mj. i was lip syncing for ti and he turned away from his history channel show to give me a "thumbs up" and then turned back around to his show!!

MOANA: Ti's a good man

me: hahahhahahaha

i was like, HELLOOOOOO, i'm performing for you!!

MOANA: thumbs up was more than sufficient

me: hahahahaha!

1:44 PM so true and so funny.

1:45 PM ok, so are you just chilling lately?

MOANA: totally! to be honest I feel a bit lost, like a man without a country haha

thrilled to be with the family but don't feel totally at home yet...does that make sense??

1:46 PM me: laie does that to you though! makes you feel like you're home and then lost when you first leave

MOANA: again tru dat!

me: laie is like its own country

MOANA: yep!

me: it has its brand of humor, its schedules, its dramas

1:47 PM its nail place where it all comes busting out!

kind of like "barber shop"

MOANA: where else can you get your eyebrows waxed and have witty conversation with a big ole Tongan tranny

me: OKAAAY

1:48 PM MOANA: good times...good times

me: hahahaha!

MOANA: and no liz, siuaki is not gay

me: shut up!

you're so mean

MOANA: hahahaha

me: i totally thought they knew something i didn't

but wouldn't it be the bomb if he was???

MOANA: totally

1:49 PM me: i would have to stay in laie forever if that were the case.

MOANA: you probably will be in Laie forever

me: i know right?

i probably will

1:50 PM i'm trying to be ok with that

MOANA: it's ok

me: b/c i know if we ever do leave we'll be missin' it and feel lost

MOANA: its a great place

1:51 PM I'm trying to get used to using so much lotion again...really sucks

desert living....gotta love it

me: use yummy lotion. i love lotion, girlfriend

1:52 PM pear, apple, daisies. all be making me smell nice and sweet. giving the illusion that i really am nice and sweet

MOANA: i should i'm using franks boring cocoa butter crap...guys don't know nuttin about lotion!

1:53 PM I need as much of an illusion of sweetness as i can get

me: um, no they don't. but actually in vegas, vaseline is the best thing for my feet.

yeah, me too about the illusion.

1:54 PM was totally on track with eating and then fell off when the lanes asked us over for ice cream.

i have no idea how to say no in times like that

but today's a new day

wait, sorry for shifting gears so fast!hahahaha!

MOANA: ice cream yummmmmmmm

1:55 PM me: it's like my brain kept running even after i got off the treadmill!

ok, so i've got go take a shower now. what are you up to these days anyway?

are you going to school this summer?

MOANA: Nothing, just applying for school and trying to clean my room and unpack

me: or waiting for fall?

1:56 PM oh yeah, HATE unpacking

MOANA: not doing summer, even if I stayed at byuh i wouldve taken summer off

me: totally. rejuvination.

1:57 PM hey, how did you do in the poly sci class. good right?

MOANA: dude totally pulled off a A-!!

B+ in stats!! I almost feel outta my chair

me: I KNEW IT!!

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

2:04 PM ok, i totally have to shower now! i'm sitting here in my sweat!

nice visual yes?

don't you just LOVE my honesty?

2:05 PM MOANA: ok ok you can go shower you big baby...holla atch laterz

2:06 PM me: hahaha! big being the operative word here. ok, i'll talk to you soon.

NekMinit

What cracks me up the most about having not written on my blog in so very long is that the name doesn't even come up on my computer as I tried to type it in. Not so funny? It is when you're sitting in New Zealand still psyched about the awesome time you had with your family that you can't sleep nor can you remember the blog site address. Yes, the blog that you loved and then hated and then denied it ever existed.

Why? Because the writing got so embarrassing!

How many grammatical mistakes can I make in one post?

And seriously, how appetizing is my vomit on a plate?

Oooh, but what about this one! I actually referred to that photo of Penelope Cruz as Selma Hayek! And then I corrected it. After a month. I'M THE WINNER.

Anyway, it's been a fun adventure, this blogging thing, and I think I'm up for it again. Too much has happened since I've been gone. And just a couple of things stand out in my mind:

1. I finally found my favorite job. Seriously, for me, it's the best job in the world. The population I work with keeps me young even as they remind me that my brain is old and soggy. I come home smiling almost everyday.

2. We've had 4 failed inseminations. If I receive any pity comments about that, I'm so blocking you! The heinous tacky questions and unasked for advice have simmered down a bit so I thought I'd share this little part of our world. It was hard, but it's over and no, I'm not open to any suggestions from anyone. I believe the Lord is with us and that's all the matters. :)

3. Tevita has been around the world. Seriously, he has. I admire him. He's smart, funny, kind, and my best friend. I'm in love and our marriage feels tighter than it ever. For that, I'm grateful.

4. I rescued kittens. Two. Totally different breeds and personalities but so so hilarious. Tevita loves them too. These little animals have been a huge stress reliever for me. Furry bundles of terror can do that to a person.

5. I'm in Aotearoa right now. It's been so excellent to be home and to be reminded of how amazing my cousins are. Tevita and I are loving every minute with them and with each other.

And speaking of all things excellent in Aotearoa, I think I'll go have me an ice cream bar. So incredibly delicious.

Happy New Year!

S**t Kickers

Yeah, I want a pair. In their own way, I think they're fabulous.






Who can resist these? Seriously, It's a wonder every teen in America isn't running around in cowboy boots! Or maybe they are and I've just never seen them. I do live in flip to da flop land.

At any rate, I went online to see if I could wrangle myself up a pair.

And I found THE CUTEST boots ever.

Robert Cavalli. I'm in love. Will you look, just look at that stitching? And what's that design? Are they Autumn looking vines? I don't know but I love 'em. You can do practically anything in 'em! Shoot, if I had that pair, I could've nailed the junk audition I did for the George Clooney movie. With these boots, I know I would've had the courage to actually talk to George Clooney when he sat one table from me on set. I would've walked up to his picnic table and said, "Hey . . . can I take that dirty plate for you?" (if only I had these boots).

Instead what did I do? I stared, ogled, drooled while he was telling a funny story to the producers. And I knew it was a funny story because he was so demonstrative while telling it and the producers laughed. Like really laughed! And oh, how I wished I was a producer! And with these boots, I bet I could've been.

Yeah, I told Tevita about George Clooney and seeing him UP CLOSE. I told him how embarrassed I was when he caught me staring at him. So embarrassed that I looked down immediately and never looked up again until the shoot was over. 7 HOURS LATER. Tevita listened with interest and the next day, he was all, "Mornin', sweetie, you over George yet?" ha!


Needless to say, I was so excited to get me a pair and guess what?

THEY COST $1200.00!!

Dude, George, you're gonna have to wait a little longer for me to clean off a table you eat at because these bad mamma jammas are close to the bottom of the list of things I could do with that money. Right below laser hair removal and just above implants. . . . and yes, this is a family type blog and that word right there just bumped this post up to PG-13. But talk of cowboy boots and George Clooney could've easily gone a different direction so be grateful I kept it clean and didn't also add in the sub-plot of the pot selling former pro wrestler on that set who looked for any reason to talk to me. . . . Oh, how I wish I had those boots!