BACK Page live funnyman Julian Schiller gives his unique take on the week in sports.
BATHURST 1000
Well this is the most controversial Bathurst since they tried to serve mid-strength Jack Daniels in the late eighties. It’s been provisionally won by Will Davidson and Jonathon Webb from Tekno Autosport.
It was close and on the last lap they were under more pressure than Donald Trump on an episode of The View. However there’s been a protest by Jamie Whincup. Whincup copped a 15 second penalty after taking a corner with all the grace of Clive Palmer in an Oz Aerobics class. His driving put Scott McLaughlin and Garth Tander out of the race almost as quickly as Holden and Ford are putting factory workers out of a job.
Race control also penalised Scott McLaughlin for a “dangerous re-entry”— something I think we should do to every Kiwi who attempts to settle in this country. The decision might take up to nine days, especially as the witness list includes drivers, mechanics and at least five or six promo chicks from Jim Beam.
JAPAN OPEN
Nick Kyrgios has had his best win of the year at the Japan Open. That’s right: Japan. A country known for it’s politeness, and almost obsessive respect for authority. Oh, the irony.
If Kyrgios can get a few more big scalps this year, he could move into the Top 10. At which point we’ll all completely re-evaluate our opinion of him. “Obnoxious”, “rude” and “aggressive” will become “cheeky”, “mischievous” and “lay off Nick — that ball boy was begging for it”. He’ll also become “Our Nick” and “Aussie Nick”, and we’ll do our best not to mention he’s actually from Canberra.
SOCCEROOS
We’re getting to the business end of World Cup Qualifying. In Bachelorette terms there are six contestants, two roses and a date beckoning with a bare-chested Vladimir Putin. We drew 2-2 in Saudi Arabia on Friday morning, in a stadium with absolutely no women. The whole thing brought back eerie memories of my 21st. But tonight we go up against the traditional enemies, the Japanese. I always feel slightly conflicted sledging the Japanese players while at the same time marvelling at the crisp HD picture on my Sony TV. The Japanese have already dropped one game so they’ll be going in as hard as one of their “scientific” vessels on a whale they’re trying to “research”. But they’ll also have to deal with Tim Cahill, who like a rogue North Korean ballistic missile, terrorises the Japanese people once every couple of years. And with that haircut, Kim Jong Un’s head is almost as frightening as Timmy’s.
A-LEAGUE
SYDNEY FC vs WESTERN SYDNEY WANDERERS
There was a great atmosphere at ANZ stadium on Saturday night both because 61,000 people turned up and Richie Sambora didn’t play. Unfortunately for the Wanderers there were almost as many balls streaming over their goal line as people through the turnstiles. After a goalless first half, Western Sydney conceded four goals in the second.
For the Wanderers, it must have felt like throwing an amazing party only to serve some dodgy prawns and watch everyone leave early with gastro. But the derby concept is alive and well and you could feel the genuine hatred from the fans. But mostly that was on their way out as they were hit with the cost of parking.
PERTH GLORY vs CENTRAL COAST MARINERS
This game finished at midnight in Gosford, which is often called “The city that never sleeps” — (mainly because it hasn’t woken up). After the first half the Mariners were down 3-nil and the sauce bottles at Blue Tongue Stadium probably started deflating themselves. But in the second half, Perth fell into a bigger hole than their mining industry, and the Mariners got within one goal with only a few minutes remaining. And when Roy O’Donovan scored from a penalty just before time to level the game, those sauce bottles would have been standing proudly erect spraying BBQ sauce, and mustard into the Central Coast sky. (I’m going to avoid mentioning mayonnaise here for obvious reasons). It’s a great result for the Mariners and their new coach Paul Okon as last year they were toppled more easily than Meatloaf on a pair of stilts.
CRICKET
I think it’s about time we subbed out the Australian cricket team for the Budgie 9. At least the Budgie 9 have energy, initiative and the ability to get under their host’s skin when playing away. At the moment our bowing attack has all the venom on a toothless python on heart meds and our top order are about as stable as Donald Trump.
After getting flogged by almost 15 overs in the last ODI this Aussie team is in danger of becoming the first to experience a 5-0 whitewash, (which probably isn’t the best term to use in South Africa considering their recent past). Whatever the case our cricketers look about as comfortable in South Africa as Mike Baird on a greyhound track.
