‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire

This year, as in every election cycle, the citizens of the United States have been waiting with great anticipation for the presidential endorsement of our editorial board. This is an awesome and sober responsibility, and rest assured, it is one whose far-reaching impact we understand full well.

Ex-Boyfriend Just Thought He’d Check In And Throw Entire Day Off

EUGENE, OR—Sending a text totally out of the blue after months without any communication whatsoever, your ex-boyfriend reportedly just thought he’d check in and throw your whole day off Wednesday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

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Woman Who Started Sentence With ‘Oh My God’ Really Needs To Stick Landing

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Explaining that the pressure was on to drive this thing home after setting the bar so high right off the bat, sources reported Tuesday that local office worker Jackie Sosa really needs to stick the landing to the sentence she just began with “Oh my God.”

MLB Mascots Union Demands More Bald Fans To Playfully Tease Between Innings

NEW YORK—Threatening to strike next season unless their conditions were immediately met, the MLB mascots union issued a statement Monday demanding more bald fans to playfully tease between innings.

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David Ortiz: Looking Back At The Career Of Boston’s Favorite Non-White Son

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Condoleezza Rice Holds Bathtime Talks With Undersea Representatives

WASHINGTON, DC—Delegates worked out a new cease-splash agreement and broke an impasse on temperature reform.
‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire

This year, as in every election cycle, the citizens of the United States have been waiting with great anticipation for the presidential endorsement of our editorial board. This is an awesome and sober responsibility, and rest assured, it is one whose far-reaching impact we understand full well.
Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating
Michelle Obama Throws Out A Bunch Of Barack’s Old Number 44 Jerseys

WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys.
Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

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Michelle Obama Throws Out A Bunch Of Barack’s Old Number 44 Jerseys

WASHINGTON—Using a large plastic trash bag to collect the uniforms scattered around their bedroom closet, Michelle Obama reportedly spent Wednesday afternoon throwing out many of her husband’s old number 44 jerseys.
‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire

This year, as in every election cycle, the citizens of the United States have been waiting with great anticipation for the presidential endorsement of our editorial board. This is an awesome and sober responsibility, and rest assured, it is one whose far-reaching impact we understand full well.
First Ever Male CoverGirl Model Announced
Ex-Boyfriend Just Thought He’d Check In And Throw Entire Day Off

EUGENE, OR—Sending a text totally out of the blue after months without any communication whatsoever, your ex-boyfriend reportedly just thought he’d check in and throw your whole day off Wednesday.
Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating