Grace with her son. Picture: supplied.
Before I begin, I should make a disclaimer. When expressing this personal sentiment about parenting, I mean no disrespect to single parents, who I have a huge amount of admiration for. You guys do an amazing job every day!
The thing no one warns you about…
There’s this thing about parenting that somehow manages to escape a mention in the thousands of parenting books that have been written to date. There’s lots of information on birth, the early weeks of sleeping and settling routines, discipline with a toddler and child development.
But I’m yet to find a book that calls bulls**t on the whole parenting set up. A book that speaks honestly about the trap we find ourselves in as a society, the one where we’re locked into paying mortgages we can’t afford, and choosing between sending our children to a daycare so we can make ends meet, or staying at home with them and living on a shoestring budget.
The normality where one parent works full time and usually long hours of overtime to support the family, and gets home so late they often miss tucking their kids into bed. The one where rising house prices force many parents to buy hundreds of kilometres from their work, and commute long hours to keep the job and decent wage they need to survive.
I’m sure this is not news to you. I know the lifestyle I’ve just described is very normal. But I want to voice this ‘intermittent single parent’ feeling, because chances are, someone, somewhere is feeling it too. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid.
If this is sounding specific, that’s because it is
My husband works in Sydney and commutes four to five hours a day. He leaves the house before the sun comes up and gets home after it sets. He isn’t around to help with breakfast, bath, dinner or bed routines. And it kills him. I know our situation isn’t exceptional - in fact I’m sure it’s the norm.
My husband is a wonderful, engaged and enthusiastic dad. He wants to be home, but like most families, we need his job to live. I’m grateful he can work to support our family. But…
I also have days where I feel like a single mother. And that sucks.
The parenting project
My husband and I are best mates. We’d been married for four years before we had our son, and we travelled, worked and started businesses together. We both worked full time, and hung out after work. We explored together on the weekends, cycling, hiking and taking spontaneous road trips. Having our son was our next big adventure, and I love that we’re now parenting together too.
Right now, I’m the stay-at-home-mum, so I’m the primary carer. I acknowledge that I put up my hand for this and I love being a mum, but human emotions are complex. We can feel joy and pain about something simultaneously. There is so much joy in being home full time with my son, but the reality is that sometimes between the hours of 6am and 7pm, I feel like a team of one.
Whether you’re single or not, being a mum is hard work. Picture: istock
The first Monday he went back, I cried
In Australia we’re lucky that most fathers get two weeks paid paternity leave (albeit minimum wage) from Centrelink. Having my husband home during those first intense, chaotic, uncharted weeks with a newborn was so necessary.
I was recovering from a traumatic birth, and felt like my body was broken and fragile. We were averaging two hours sleep a night in the first month, and then he went back to work, and yes, I cried that first Monday.
At first I put it down to hormones, but then speaking to other mothers helped clarify it for me. There will be days where I feel like I’m raising our son on my own. There will be some weeks where my husband arrives home just after I put our son to bed, and misses his bedtime cuddle… again.
There will be (many) days where I want to swap roles with my husband: dress in my corporate outfit, jump in the car, and go back to the office.
But there are also lots of days I’m happy to curl up on the couch with my son, make coffee and watch the rain drizzle down the windowpanes and not have to leave the house at all.
I am so grateful that my husband for gets out of bed at 5am all week to catch the train to work. Because of that we can own our home, go on holidays and order pizza on the weekend.
No quick fixes
I think the reason why no one is calling bulls**t on the whole parenting set up, is there are no easy answers.
Perhaps the first step is speaking openly about this silent, but pervasive ‘single parenting’ phenomena.
Our work-life situation may not change (those mortgages aren’t going to pay themselves!) but having our perspectives heard and feelings acknowledged is huge for stay-at-home parents.
If we admit how we’re feeling to friends in similar situations, then chances are we’ll find we’re not alone. Whether a single parent or stay-at-home ‘single parent’, there will be times where we all need to lean on others for support.
Can you relate to feeling alone as a married parent? Or maybe you’d like to respond with your own thoughts. Get in touch!
kidspot.editor@news.com.au
