Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber have a great relationship because they know how to communicate and have fun with each other.
Dear Dr. Melissa,
Ever since the kids came along I feel like we don’t really talk to each other beyond the usual, “How was your day?” and, “What do you want for dinner?” Can you recommend some simple ways to rebuild our intimacy?
Melissa responds:
I think many other couples would also like to know the answer to this!
In order to have a strong, loving and healthy relationship it’s important to communicate and connect with one another deeply and intimately on a regular basis.
Whilst the demands of family life can certainly make this type of communication difficult one great way to maintain a bond with your loved one is to ask good quality questions of one another.
The kind of questions you ask will vary depending on the time of day or night and whether you are alone or involved with children.
After work / Home time questions
When you and your partner first re-unite for the day after work you can start by asking each other questions along the lines of:
- Tell me about your day.
- What interesting experiences did you have at work/home today?
- What was the best part of your day? When did you feel happiest?
- What was the most challenging part of your day?
- What were you looking forward to most about coming home today?
- Anything else?
- What do you need from me right now?
Pink and partner of ten years Carey Hart say they ‘constantly have to work on their relationship’ but it’s worth it because of their gorgeous daughter Willow.
Couple time questions
In their book And Baby Makes Three (2007), world renowned relationship psychologists Drs John and Julie Gottman describe an open-ended questions exercise for couples that you might like to try. Open ended questions are great for connection because they allow for a story to be told.
It goes like this. From a list of 31 open-ended questions each person is instructed to pick one to ask their significant other (that they genuinely want to hear the response to), and then listen to the answer.
Couples are then instructed to keep going down the list, asking each other as many questions as they have time for and taking turns in doing so.
Some questions taken directly from this list include:
- How can I be a better friend to you?
- What are you missing most in your life since we’ve become parents?
- What are some unfulfilled dreams in your life?
- Has your family changed toward you since baby has arrived?
- How can I be a better partner to you?
- What kind of person would you like our baby to become?
- Do you long for anything these days?
- What would you like to change about your work?
- What do you enjoy most about being a dad or mum?
- What could we do to have more fun in our lives?
You could select one question each per night until you complete the list.
The Gottmans also have an app titled Open-Ended Questions that you could choose questions from on a daily basis.
Matthew McConaughey says of his wife and baby mamma Camila, “I’ve been wanting to go on a date with her for the last 9 years, and never wanting to go on a date with anyone else.”
Barrie Davenport’s book 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple’s Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy is another good resource.
Some questions taken directly from this book include:
- What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
- What should I never say to you, even in anger?
- How can I make you feel more desirable and sexy?
A sample of 40 questions to get you started from the book can be found here and as the author outlines, sitting together closely for this exercise is helpful, as is avoiding alcohol in order to stay in control verbally.
NOTE: Some of these open ended questions are quite confronting and it’s important to be loving and tactful with one another when delivering responses.
If feelings of vulnerability arise, support each other by clarifying the meaning of responses, talking about each other’s feelings and seeking out professional help if required.
TIP: If sitting down to ask each other these kinds of questions is too formal for you, instead use your present experience to lighten the mood and find out more about your other half at the same time.
For example, after you have put your child to sleep, you could ask your partner: ‘What was your bedtime routine like as a youngster?’
Bedtime questions
It’s always nice to nice end the day together on a positive note and practicing gratefulness is a good way to do this. Some questions to ask each other as you retire include:
- What were you most grateful for today (in general)?
- What were you most grateful for today regarding our relationship?
- What were you most grateful for today regarding our family?
- In what way/s do you feel blessed right now?
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Dr Melissa
