Invisible Sights

Indeed I start this text with my answer to Sarah’a comment on self-centered society of mine:

sarah, you get much more then my point, now as ever!
the combination is tragic, sure, in full and real, not figurative sense, for so many lives have been brutally taken away in wars, violently, by force, against natural flow… this story about arrogant attitude as a conventional style of acting of Serbs, particularly Belgradians, brings unpleasant feelings in me on daily bases, and I live with those unwillingly…
Arrogant attitudes provoked by nothing I met before, or saw in other places, like Paris, for example. And just as you said, there is an essential difference: one arrogance is just stupid/the Parisian one, and the Belgradian one is both stupid and tragic.
Believing that Belgrade/Serbia is the point of release of all the important worlds’ news, Belgradians support the common local denial we discuss so often, the denial of genocide, ethnic cleansing and war crimes, denial of civic responsibility for States’ politics. It fascinates me how easily the image of arrogance is seen as a turn on, for example, inside the same isolated society that sees itself as main and central instead isolated and unimportant! Like: the more arrogant you are, the more they respect you! Tragic and stupid mixed together, that is a genuine attitude of a randomly picked person from Belgrade…
Further more, there is another thing that bugs me: Belgrade is particularly arrogant to the rest of Serbia. Often you hear over here: Belgrade is not Serbia, not like the rest of Serbia.
Such statement means: Belgrade is better, more advanced, more open, more cosmopolitan, more Europe, then the rest of the country. What a denial! In fact, Belgrade is the centre of all evil that commanded wars and crimes, that ordered massive executions as well as political assassinations… The only difference is that Belgrade is bigger and more expensive then the rest of the country. Oh yeah, and more money circulates in Belgrade then in the rest of Serbia, so there are more possibilities to make a living, to grab a piece of cake! And it gets on my nerve! Sarah, I will copy this into a new short post and maybe go on, it is getting long, and you got me started:)

Here we are, and there, no doubt, depends on whom. I am in this place above other places, or ironically so. It seams, from my lines, that I hate the place and being here. But neither of those are true. I love my city and I had occasions to leave it. I lived in another country for only 2 years of my life. I did travel often all my life and I want to do it in future too. But I am here by my own will, interest and curiosity. It happened so that I haven’t traveled abroad lasr year, but the world kept coming to my place, and I thank my friends for that, I thank you Saeah, above all. Right now I have 2 foreign guests staying with me. I love keeping my place open for visits. And I do so to such an extent that I have been accused by one friend of mine from over here as guilty for having my own small apartment: why do I have it and not him? what on earth gives me that privilege? How dare I present myself as an equal to him? He lives with his parents and is of my age. His position is one of the victim, while I am fraud, the rich bitch who is given more and pretends we are all equal… Hey, many times before that, I had offered him to live with me, as an equal flat mate, I didn’t ask for money. Hey, as students, I rarely could have afforded a cup of coffee during the break, and never any snack. He used to always have chocolate on him – his mama used to put one in his pocket every morning. I never thought we were not equal because I couldn’t afford food and he had even chocolate – money for chocolate in the 90ies in Serbia meant you could provide for decent food too. Then, for some time, we were both renting apartments. We both worked for the national TV as associates, I had excellent reviews on several of my shows, each piece I made was worshiped, my work had brilliant reputation, yet he as a person, a mail, had a better reputation then me as a female. I had experience in working for ARTE, I held an award for feature documentary, yet I was getting less jobs on the national TV then him. He even had to be my supervisor on my first piece for redaction of culture! All that while my CV and professional experience were much stronger then his, while my shows were a dream come true to all editors I worked with… all those editors still preferred working with a male. They called him a genius. There was no name for me. Just my brilliant work. I still thought we were equal. Then I got my small attic to live in, and he went back to his parents. And we became unequal, with him being victimized by my kind that pretends so well… Today he has a feature fiction behind him, which I still don’t. I believe his film is average, he can do much better, and I wouldn’t allow myself to waist the opportunity while making a feature fiction by making it average. Also, that same person became recently a LDP member, the small emancipatory political party (that I vote for), claiming that he is politically more left then me. That his short membership comes at the moment when my 10 years of activism means nothing when compared to his political engagement. He is one of most intelligent persons I know here. The arrogance he allows himself is outrageous, considering the fact that for many years after genocide in Srebrenica, he was denying it.

You see, I use personal stories and experiences to make certain points: arrogance that I started this text on, is actually a deeply patriarchal issue. Even intellectuals are arrogant in a stupid, opportunist ways, in chauvinistic spirit, but in the name of justice. Because some of those intellectuals of some recognized authority are victimized by me. Because my parents sold away the big apartment and got a smaller one, until we renovated together a piece of some roof we also bought and made it my place. His family is much richer then mine, mine had many hungry times, still does. Like I still do. But I do not give a shit. I want to tell all my readers that this arrogant place is manipulated by patriarchal minds, even among the democrats. Men here will never learn that they have victimized women, but the second they see a woman standing on more concrete grounds, in any field of life, they will scream out: where is equality?

women working, image stays invisible...

Where was equality when my talent was proved and judged higher and i was valued less? That is still the case: how did one less talented person get to make a feature fiction film, and I did not? I work and work and get rejected. But what I manage to self produce is uncompromising. And is not arrogant. The only not arrogant art here can become in such way, in my opinion. Films even weaker, incomparable with the one I mentioned as average by my friend, are even more arrogant for being called art! And as that very same friend said in one of his articles, the problem of Serbian film production is that there is no market, no commercial films that will make money, or at least pay themselves back, there are only films produced with state or city budget. (He intelligently explained how the same people from film business keep that business only their own privilege, since open market would make more opportunities for more people! this way, same people switch from juries to applicants and keep awarding each others! the rest of us stand no chance, unless some obscure ties and bounds mingle in, all on political bases…) Is that not an arrogant way to produce the important part of one country’s culture? I judge that as a patriarchal model as well!

I say: patriarchal way of thinking produced wars! That way of thinking was preserved in all generations of this country, in all its societies, in all its circles! I exposed my personal example in some details, because I find it is a clear, plastic example of patriarchal thinking which is running many strams here, main and alternative/if we consider my friend alternative. and he is alternative. but patriarchal, yet intelligent to fight those better, stronger, more talented, fight them with self victimization! (over one small attic that was offered to him to share…) Arrogant alternative stream that is run by patriarchal minds, friends or not, are a sly, sneaky, thus dangerous phenomenon, very seductive in offering that alternative side opposed to the ugly mainstream, is in fact more my cultural enemy then alliance. I dare say it!

Arrogance. The more arrogant you are here, the more they respect you. I will never be arrogant. I chose to be a bitch who speaks her mind. And I need not to get paid and motivate myself in that way to write an article for an online magazine. I write here what I have to say. I do not sell out. Ha! Yet, I am alive and I hunt many minds, by barely being. I make no other efforts, I just go straight the way I chose. And I do not bitch arround, using my blog. My blog is read by less people then the article by my friend, in which he proclaims all people of his generation his fake friends, in case they have a place to live alone. He uses that one aspect to divide people and to challenge everybody to apologize for living alone, forgetting all other aspects which offer him safety that some of us have never been given or provided. Yes, I fight back the sly tricky article in which I am judged as a suspicious parasite member of society, while I was working 24/7 for crunches of bread, not allowing any humiliation, not standing a chance as a talented female to be called genius even in a joke, not standing a chance to gain a minimum of means to make a film, because it would kick ass! everybody’s in this country! it will, actually. Because yes, one culture, may it even be Serbian, cannot artificially keep a mass media like film only in frames of state budget production, and yes, I will make a film for the market that will pay itself back and make more money! That is the logic of film making, art or not! In that name, I will reveal one more of my poems that I will post separately in “my poems” category. It is a poem, hopefully lyrics for some bands’ song…

two women: my grand mother and me, both have done a lot for others, that has never been seen. I love her, I respect her!

Free thinker, quite modern

Self-proclaimed, recognized

Or

A very manly song

I tell you

He told me

She knows, she told me

He told me, she told me

He thinks, she knows

It’s something to talk about

Why am I the last to know

Fuck you all

I will rock

On top

In power

Limited but I, I, I, I, I

You’ll never get as far as I got

I’ll make sure

I have to rock and I learned how

There are things you cannot learn

There are things you cannot learn

There are things you cannot learn

Cannot learn, cannot

I have learned

I’ll be the first to know all

I judge

I rock or will rock, I studied how

You give me all my credits now

And always

I saw, it works that way

Get on your knees

I have to rock, I, I, I, I, I

I have to rock and be above

On your knees now

There are things you cannot learn

There are things you cannot learn

There are things you cannot learn

Cannot learn, cannot

But congrats for all the efforts

And open evil deeds and words

Go ahead rocking, you even grew a beard

He knows she told me

He thinks he confirmed

I know I heard she told me

I rock, I wanna rock

They tell me things when you wouldn’t

I wanna rock I, I, I, I, I

There are things you cannot learn

There are things you cannot learn

Cannot learn, cannot

Yet congratulations

Some guts you got

There are things you cannot learn

Cannot learn, cannot

I, I, I, I, I

Dignity, victimized

Victory, modesty

Freedom, all against me one

Beard

Glasses

Authority

It’s all about the looks, the pose

Spirituality is on my side

I rock, I, I, I, I, I

Photos: 1) an old family photo of my grand mother and her friends working taken by unidentified person

2) taken by a guest of the house

I will fill this post with more photos, when I get into a situation where I have conditions to do it!

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