Q: Maria and I have been married nearly 20 years. I love her and the kids, but I'm a hard-working man, not the romantic type. I work long and hard to give my family the best life I can. To me, that's how you prove you love someone – words are cheap. Last weekend, that song You Don't Bring Me Flowers Any More was on the radio and Maria burst into tears and said she doesn't feel like I love her because I don't buy her presents. Meanwhile, she isn't interested in "making love" with me. I'm not sure what to do to fix this.
A: The miscommunication you describe lies at the heart of a lot of relationship difficulties. We think that it should be obvious to our partner that we love them, only to discover that they are not picking up that message.
Twenty years ago, Gary Chapman examined this situation in his seminal work, The 5 Love Languages: the Secret to Love That Lasts. He has gone on to publish books on the subject that are specifically targeted at men, children, and so on, because what he uncovered is so fundamental to all human relationships.
Chapman believes that everyone has a "love tank", a reservoir of love that sustains him or her through the challenging times. That tank is replenished when we feel that we have received love, but love is communicated in five different "love languages" – gifts, words of affirmation, sharing quality time, acts of service and physical touch.
Every individual gives, and receives, love in one or more of these languages, but the love is not received effectively if it is in the wrong language.
In your case, you express your love through acts of service – working hard for your family. Unfortunately, Maria cannot hear you because, for her, love is communicated by the giving of gifts.
How we receive, and give, love can be different. Personally, I love to find the perfect gift for someone, but I respond best to words of affirmation. The challenge is to identify what each of you responds to, and learn to use those languages.
If you find it hard to wrap your head around these concepts, try taking the online quiz, "What is Your Love Language?" (proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=whats-your-love-language). There are only 30 questions, and, if you and Maria both take the quiz, and compare notes, it could be a fun way to get to understand each other better.
Maria might be interested to learn how to express her love for you more effectively. She might also be able to hear the love you express through your actions that will enhance your connection. Similarly, you might make a conscious effort to speak her language, from time to time.
Giving gifts is not about the cost of the gift, and you do not need to take out a second mortgage so you can shower her with gold and diamonds. A gift makes you feel loved because someone thought about you. It can be a small gesture, like bringing home her favourite chocolate bar, or magazine, or picking a flower for her.
Where this kind of miscommunication often causes tension is in the bedroom. It is said, in a gross generalisation, that men need sex to feel love, whilst women need to feel loved to want sex. If your main love language is physical touch, but your partner's is words of affirmation, or quality time, your loving touch can feel like hassling for sex. In that case, it is important to effectively communicate your love before touching your partner.
You and Maria share a loving family life and the foundations it is built on are strong. The only thing both of you need to do is to learn how best to say "I love you"', so that you are constantly topping up each other's love tank.
Your willingness to go through this process is, in itself, a message of love. When you understand each other better, and make the effort to express your love, all areas of your relationship will be enhanced, including your sexual intimacy.
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